


Damaged (And I will try to fix you)

by MarmOTeen



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Violence, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Miscarriage, abuse recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:47:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 79,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarmOTeen/pseuds/MarmOTeen
Summary: When ex-soldier John Bates takes the nurse job offered by his old army commander Dr Robert Crawley, he intends to build a fresh start for himself. In time, he will end up helping a young blond-haired and blue-eyed woman get one for herself too.A story of love and rebuilding oneself after domestic abuse.Alternate-Universe, modern era. A fanfic with a soundtrack!This work is dedicated to my dear friend C., who is still struggling with her own Alex.
Relationships: Anna Smith-Bates/John Bates
Kudos: 1





	1. A new start

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for scenes of domestic violence, spousal rape, and verbal abuse.

On a light but chilly morning, John Bates was seated on a bus, on his way to Downton’s Recovery and Rehabilitation Center, in York’s far suburbs. Looking out the bus window, earphones plugged in his ears, he was thinking over this new nurse job that his old Army commander and friend Robert Crawley had offered him.  
John Bates had had several bad years after coming back wounded from Irak, where he had served as an army Nurse. A bullet had left his left knee in a mess that resulted in him keeping a permanent limp, and PTSD had caused him great difficulties to adjust back to civilian life. It had brought his marriage to a breaking point. Not that his union to Vera had ever been a very happy one, but his mental troubles had lead him into alcohol and drug use, in which she had followed him. Two years in prison had helped him, the hard way, to quit and become abstinent, but she had kept on their habits during his time away. So when he had been released, after an almighty row between the two of them, he had decided to leave their home and restart a life alone, in order not to fall back into his old ways. Lonely in his small flat, and unemployed, he had called out to his ex-army superior Dr Robert Crawley, who had quit the Army Medical Service and now run Dowton’s Recovery and Rehabilitation Center, a special facility that offered post-hospital care for people who had been severely wounded or impaired, mainly from car crashes or other various accidents. Dr Crawley had been delighted to hear from him, and offered him a nurse position.  
This job was his chance for a fresh start. A new, clean life. From now on, John Bates was determined to help alleviate other people’s misery, rather than dwell on his own. His days of self-pity were over. So this job had to work out. 

Seeing that the bus was hitting the last stop before Downton, he put his earphones away in his bag, collected his crutch, and started making his way to the door, carefully holding himself to the seats.  
When he was safely off the bus, he looked around, and set his eyes on the large ex-Edwardian manor-turned modern health facility. The place was certainly imposing, almost intimidating. He took a deep breath, and started limping his way towards the entrance. He was supposed to be meeting a Mrs Hughes, Head Nurse, then a M. Carson, the human resources manager.  
When he entered the hallway, he found himself face to face with two women, who seemed to be finishing their morning round. The oldest one, with dark hair and a harsh looking face, was watching him with an inquisitive look. Answering her untold question, he introduced himself:  
\- Hello, I’m John Bates, the new nurse.  
\- The new nurse, she answered with a sneer, looking at him from the top down, her eyes lingering on the crutch.  
\- Yes. I am scheduled to meet the Head Nurse here, I’m starting tomorrow.  
The second woman held out her hand and said in a welcoming tone:  
\- I’m Anna Smith, nursing assistant.  
He took her hand and shook it.  
\- How do you do.  
This girl was younger than the other, in her mid-twenties, and seemed much more friendly. She was petite, had bright blond hair, tied back into a pony tail, and light blue eyes whose look warmed his heart for an unknown reason. He couldn’t help but notice that the skin of her hand was very soft. But before he could dwell on that, the first woman spoke again:  
\- And I’m Nurse O’Brien. You’d better come along with us, Mrs Hughes’s office is over there.  
Nurse O’Brien turned away and started to walk towards the nurse’s office. As she moved to follow her, Anna, biting her upper lip, shot him a quick glance and a bittersweet smile. John Bates returned her smile and made his way after her. 

Following Nurse O’Brien’s directions, he introduced himself into Mrs Hughes’s office. She was a middle-aged woman, with a somewhat stern face, but warm eyes, and a strong Scottish accent. She eyed him from head to toes, as had O’Brien, except without the sneer, but with a genuinely concerned look instead.  
\- But how can you manage? she asked.  
\- I can manage, he answered in what he hoped to be a confident tone.  
\- Really? A nurse with a crutch?  
\- Well, Kerry Weaver and Dr House managed, didn’t they? he replied with a gleam in his eye. So I don’t see why I shouldn’t.  
-If you say so. Anyway, we’ll find out soon enough, she concluded flatly. Alright, I’m going to show you around the place, brief you on how it runs, and then you’ll go and meet M. Carson to complete the paperwork. 

After giving him an extended tour of the facility, Mrs Hughes lead John Bates back to the nurse’s office, where the staff were holding their weekly meeting to discuss the status and progress of every patient.  
\- Hello everyone, I’m so sorry to interrupt your meeting, she said to the assembly. I just wanted to introduce our new nurse: this is John Bates. He will be doubling with Nurses O’Brien and Jenkins for the end of the week, and starting on his own as of next week.  
She then started introducing each member of the staff to John.  
\- I think you already met Nurse O’Brien and Anna Smith.  
O’Brien looked at him like he was some kind of snail, while Anna flashed him a discreet smile.  
\- Here is our unit doctor, Dr Mary Crawley, this is Nurse Jenkins, this is Sybil Crawley, our occupational therapist, Gwen Dawson here is another nursing assistant, and Thomas Barrow is our physiotherapist.  
Each one nodded to him when his or her name was called, and he politely nodded back.  
\- I hope everyone will be kind and welcoming to Nurse Bates, added Mrs Hughes with a pointed look to O’Brien, and help him settle rapidly on his first days. You’ll get to know the rest of the staff as you get on.  
\- Thank you Mrs Hughes. I’m sure everything will be alright.  
\- Well, we’ll leave you to your meeting now. Nurse Bates, I will show you to M. Carson’s office.  
\- Very well, Mrs Hughes. Thank you. Good day to you all, he said to the working team.

Before he got out of the room, he turned back to cast a quick glance and noticed that Anna Smith’s eyes were still fixed on him. When his look crossed hers, she quickly averted her gaze. He thought her cheeks were slightly flushed, though he couldn’t think why. He turned to follow Mrs Hughes who was waiting for him in the hallway. 

* * *

The following days proved to be quite trying for John Bates. He was having a hard time memorizing all the new information he had to take in in order to manage on his own the following week. Besides, each day meant a few kilometers up and down the hallways, which earned him a burning ache in his wounded knee every night. But he was set on not letting it spoil his chance. Nurse Jenkins and the nursing assistants were quite helpful, but Nurse O’Brien obviously disliked him from the start and didn’t bother to hide it. So the rounds he had to take in her company were quite unpleasant. But then she didn’t seem to be much friendly to anyone else either… 

On his third day, he was about to take his lunch break. The weather being fine, he decided to take his sandwich outside in the park. As he looked around for a place to sit, he noticed the small blond woman seated on a bench, eating alone from her lunch box. He recognized Anna, the nursing assistant who had smiled to him on his first day. He hadn’t seen her since, as she had been off the two previous days. He came near her bench, and asked politely:  
\- Hello, do you mind if I sit with you?  
Anna startled a bit, as if she had not heard him coming. For a split second she looked frightened, then collected herself and managed to smile to him.  
\- Yes, please do, if you wish.  
They ate in silence for a few minutes, then Anna started the conversation.  
\- So, how are you settling in?  
\- Hmm, not so bad I think. I’m starting to get what I’m supposed to do when I’m supposed to do it, so I guess it’s a good start. Although I think I’m not doing a good job of convincing Nurse O'Brien of my abilities.  
\- Oh her… Don’t mind her. She’s sour as a bitter lemon. She doesn’t like anyone.  
\- It’s nice to know that it isn’t just me then. What about you? How long have you been working here?  
\- Me? Four years.  
\- Do you like it here, as a nursing assistant?  
\- Yes, quite. But at the moment, I am taking distance courses to qualify as a nurse.  
\- Oh, that’s great! It must be hard to manage the job and the courses on top of it.  
\- It is, quite.. Working on my own is difficult. It’s quite trying.  
\- Well, if you ever need a hand with some course, or someone to test you, just ask. I’d be happy to help.  
\- That’s nice of you, but I won’t bother you with it. You must have so much better to do.  
\- I really have not.  
\- No wife or family to go back to? she boldly asked.  
\- I do have a wife, but hopefully she’ll soon be my ex-wife.  
\- Oh, I’m sorry, said Anna.  
\- No, don’t worry. Vera and I have been off for a very long time. So I live alone in a small one-bedroom flat and I have nothing to do of my evenings.  
\- So, said Anna, changing the subject, I heard it was Dr Crawley father who gave you this job? How did you know him?  
\- We served together in Irak.  
\- Oh… you’re an army veteran?  
\- I am.  
\- This is how you got your knee injury?  
\- Yes it is.  
He didn’t want to dwell on his past with this young woman, so he changed the subject again.  
\- So this place is quite a family business isn’t it? Run by the father, one daughter working as a doctor, another as an occupational therapist. Are there any other family members involved?  
\- Apart from Mary and Sybil? Well Dr Crawley’s wife, Cora, she’s in charge of fundraising. But I think that’s it.  
\- What about his third daughter? I do think I remember him telling me about three girls…  
\- Oh yes, that would be Edith. She’s the second actually, Sybil is the youngest. Edith doesn’t work here, she’s a journalist.  
\- Oh right.  
Anna checked her watch and exclaimed:  
\- Oh my, we’d better be getting back, otherwise we won’t hear the end of it by Nurse O’Brien.  
\- You’re right, said John getting up. I’m sorry to have kept you so long with my curiosity.  
\- Oh don’t apologize. It was nice chatting.  
\- But I’m serious with my offer to help with the nursing courses.  
\- Thank you. I’ll keep it in mind.

She left with a warm smile. He might have issues with Nurse O’Brien, but this young woman was charming and kind. He wondered if she herself was married. He had noticed that she was wearing no ring, but he couldn’t jump to any conclusion from that, since people in healthcare weren’t supposed to wear jewels on their shifts. What he had also noticed though, was a red bruise just above her left wrist. He wondered how she could have got it. Anyway, married or not, she was definitely too young and too good for him, he thought.

* * *

Later that evening, Anna Smith, having finished her shift and collected her groceries on the way home, was walking up the stairs of her apartment building. She stopped for a few minutes on the floor landing, putting her heavy load on the floor to catch her breath.  
She put her key in the lock and entered her apartment. The sound of the television informed her that her boyfriend, Alex Green, was already home. She headed straight to the kitchen and started putting the groceries away.  
Hearing her ramble in the kitchen, Alex shouted from the living-room:  
\- Hey Anna, hon’, would you bring me a beer?  
She suddenly froze, as if she had received a bucket of cold water down her back. They were out of beer, and she had forgotten to buy some. As she didn’t answer to his request right away, Alex soon appeared in the kitchen door frame.  
\- Didn’t you hear me Anna?  
Still bent upon the fridge, putting stuff in it, she answered in a fearful tone:  
\- I’m sorry Alex, I forgot to get some. There’s no more left.  
\- Oh crap.  
He came to her, seized her ponytail in his fist and pulled hard on it so that she was forced to look up to him. He shouted a few inches from her face:  
\- Are you really so stupid that you can’t even get a grocery list right?  
\- I said I’m sorry Alex, she pleaded. I’ll get some tomorrow.  
\- Yeah right, you’re sorry. You’re always sorry but you can’t do anything right. You dumb chick.  
And he let go of her hair, pushing her head forward so that she went to hit the fridge’s door with her cheek. He then left the kitchen grumbling and returned to sit on the couch.  
She rubbed her hand on her cheek, and quickly wiped the tears off her eyes. She hoped the bruise wouldn’t show too much on her face. Until now she had managed to hide any suspicious marks from everyone at work, but if he started to hit her on the face, it would be harder.  
She finished putting the groceries away, and set to cook dinner. Reminiscences of her talk with John during lunch break came to her mind while she was busy. The man seemed gentle and kind. She thought about his offer to help her with her nursing courses. She could really use the help and support, because her exams were coming near and she felt overwhelmed by the amount of work she still had to go through. She wanted to accept his offer, but if ever Alex found out that she was spending time alone with a man, God she would never hear the end of it… Yet something deep inside her was drawn to John, wanted to get to know him better, yearned to spend time alone with him. She found that very odd, since she barely knew the man. She had just chatted with him for ten minutes at lunch break. What was that about? 

* * *

About ten days later, Anna was leaving Downton at the end of her shift. As she came near the bus stop, she saw that John Bates was already sitting there, waiting for his own bus, earphones plugged in his ears. She came to sit near him on the bench, with a friendly smile. He acknowledged her presence with a nod and a tiny smile.  
\- You had a good day? he asked.  
\- Yeah, pretty good. I went in physiotherapy with young David, and he managed to stand and walk four steps! He was so excited, it was really cute. Thomas is really good with the young people. He always knows how to cheer them up, enhance their motivation.  
She turned to him, picked up the earphone he had just pulled out of his ear to talk to her, and put it to her own ear:  
\- What are you listening to?  
After listening for a few seconds, she looked at him, bemused:  
\- Adele? Really? I wouldn’t have thought this was your kind of thing…  
John’s cheeks flushed a little, and he shot her an apologetic smile:  
\- Well then, you’ll learn that one of my weirdnesses is that I've got a strange fancy for cheesy love songs.  
And he showed her on his phone the Spotify playlist he was currently listening to, titled “A hundred Love Songs”. She chuckled at the idea of this tall broad rough man listening to love songs.  
\- I guess you’ll find me ridiculous, he said flatly.  
\- Oh no, no, she answered quickly. I find it makes you look like a big fluffy Teddy Bear. And who doesn’t like a big fluffy Teddy Bear? They’re so comfy… she grinned with a side look to him.  
He laughed at that, but his cheeks seemed a little bit more flushed still. She took a deep breath and asked bluntly:  
\- So, is your offer still on to help me with my nursing courses? Cause I seem to be getting nowhere lately. I could really use a hand.  
He straightened his face right away and answered in a concerned tone:  
\- Well, we can’t have that. Of course I’ll help. When and where do you want to meet?  
Anna’s heart started beating faster, as she felt she was getting into some dangerous territory, but something in her felt that she had to, that the risk was worth taking.  
\- Would you give me your phone number? I’ll text you.  
\- Alright.  
He scribbled his number on a piece of paper and gave it to her.  
\- Do you use Whatsapp? He asked.  
\- Yes I do.  
\- Ok, then send me a message on Whatsapp whenever you’re decided. I’ll be there.  
\- Thank you, that’s so kind of you.  
\- Nonsense! he said dismissively. Oh, there’s my bus. Goodnight Anna.

As she watched his bus take him away, she realized that he had given her his number, but hadn’t asked for hers in return, thus leaving her totally in charge of deciding what to do next. It made her feel very safe. She went home that night to her bleak prospects, with a secret little glow deep in her heart. She had met a giant fluffy Teddy Bear who likes cheesy love songs. She was smiling to herself on the bus, humming Adele’s song.


	2. Thursday meetings

On a rainy Thursday night, Anna and John sat at a table in the university library, going through Anna’s physiology course, during their fourth “mentorship” meeting. Anna had chosen the place, three bus stops away from Downton, and the day, because Alex always worked later on Thursdays, so she had time to get home before him. John’s number in her smartphone had been labeled “JB”, so that if Alex ever came across the discussion, he wouldn’t know right away that he was a man.

In only three previous meetings, John’s tutorship had done wonder on Anna. She felt much more confident about her chances. It was hard to tell if this was due to the quality of his technical explanations, or simply to the fact that he was being supportive, and respectful, and helped her rebuild her shattered self-esteem.

They were halfway through going over the cardiovascular physiology course, when Anna’s phone started buzzing, once, twice, then three times. She looked at the texts and suddenly tensed.

\- Are you alright? asked John. Is something wrong?

\- No, no, it’s fine. But I’ll have to leave sooner than we planned. Let’s try and finish this chapter anyway.

She started to focus on the book again. They had discussed it for about three minutes, when the phone started buzzing again, for a call this time. She sighed and picked up the phone.

\- Sorry, I have to get this…

And she made her way out of the library to answer the call. They had settled at a table near the all-windowed walls of the library, so John could see her outside as she was speaking. She was clearly nervous, and soon he could tell that an argument was raging between her and whoever she was talking to. The call was over in a few minutes. She stood still on the pavement, breathing hard and rubbing her eyes with her fingertips. She then abruptly turned around and came back to their table, where she started quickly collecting her things.

\- I’m sorry, I have to go.

\- What’s wrong? We were not finished… asked John.

\- It’s Alex… my boyfriend, she added seeing John’s interrogative look. He’s rather jealous, and he’s mad because he came home early and I wasn’t there. So now he’s fussing.

\- Oh dear, said John, concerned. I hope I’m not making trouble for you… That’s the last thing I want.

\- No, no, it’s okay. Thank you for your help. Goodnight. I’ll see you tomorrow at Downton.

\- Goodnight Anna.

She started turning away, but he caught her hand just before she got out of reach. He cast her a genuinely worried look:

\- Will you be alright?

\- Yes, sure, she answered with her best fake-confident voice.

And she half-smiled and left, leaving him rather stunned.

In the bus taking her home, half of her was relishing the warmth she still felt where John had gently squeezed her hand while the other half was bracing for the row she was bound to face when she got home. She arrived at her flat soaking wet after walking from the bus stop in the pouring rain. She reluctantly pushed the door open, and let her bag fall down in the hallway. She could hear in the living-room that Alex was playing a video game. Hearing her footsteps in the hall, he came to her and stood in the door frame. The look on his face made her shiver. In a false sweet tone, he started:

\- So, where’s my girl when I need her? I come home, looking for her, and the flat’s empty…

\- Come on Alex, I was working at the library, as I told you ten times on the phone.

\- Yeah, yeah, I heard it. So I come home, the fridge’s empty, the dishes are dirty in the sink, because Lady Anna has “work” to do. You think you’re so smart do you? You think you’re so special… You think you’ll make it as a nurse, when you can’t even take care of your home and your man.

While talking he had slowly approached her and was now standing with his face a few inches from hers. She could feel his breath on her cheek. He picked up a loose strand of blond hair and put it back behind her ear. He then suddenly pinned her against the wall with his hand around her throat. He whispered in a dangerous voice:

\- I don’t like that Anna. I’m disappointed. You know how I am when you disappoint me.

\- Alex, leave me alone. You’re hurting me, she pleaded in a strangled voice.

He suddenly let go of her, and started putting on his jacket.

\- You’re right. I’m leaving you alone. You’re not worth spoiling my evening. I’m off to the pub.

She took a deep breath, and while the door slammed, she slowly slid down against the wall until she was sitting on the floor weeping.

Alex had always thought her idea to qualify as a nurse was stupid. He had tried to persuade her to quit working completely, arguing that he made enough money for the two of them. When she wouldn’t let it go, he had set on making it as difficult as possible for her. But she still held on to her goal, because it was really important to her, to show herself that she was worth something.

Later in the evening, as she was alone in the couch, nursing a cup of tea, the image of a giant fluffy Teddy Bear slowly crept into her mind. The sweet tingles that had run through her body when he had held her hand earlier were coming back to her memory. He had seem genuinely worried about her. He seemed like such a gentleman. She absentmindedly smiled to herself, and picked up her phone. She connected to the “JB” Whatsapp conversation and typed:

***Sorry for earlier. Alex is a jerk sometimes.***

She didn’t have to wait long for an answer.

***It’s quite alright. No harm done.***

A few seconds later:

***On my account anyway. I hope none on your side either?***

***I’m okay***

she lied.

***Do you want to meet again next Thursday?***

She thought it over for a few minutes. She had to, in her opinion, if she wanted to stand a chance to pass her exams in six months time. She’ll have to find a way to make Alex accept it.

***Yes, I’d like to. I won’t stand a chance**

**if I go back to working on my own.***

***I’m sure that’s not true, but I’m happy to help.**

**Will it be alright with the BF?***

***He’ll have to come to terms.***

***OK then. See U tomorrow. Goodnight.***

***Gnight. You’re a good friend U know.***

***Bruno Mars – Count on me**

**[https://youtu.be/ZMsvwwp6S7Q*](https://youtu.be/ZMsvwwp6S7Q) ** ****

“ _If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea_

_I’ll sail the world, to find you_

_If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can’t see_

_I’ll be the light, to guide you_

_We find out what we’re made of,_

_When we are called to help our friends in need._

_You can count on me like 1, 2, 3_

_I’ll be there_

_And I know when I need it I can count on you like 4, 3, 2_

_You’ll be there_

_Cause that’s what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah._

*** ;) ***

*** :) ***

She chuckled to herself.

She went to bed, wondering why John was going out of his way like that in order to help her, when they had known each other for a mere few weeks, and he definitely owed nothing to her. Did he expect something in return? She shivered at the thought that maybe he _did_ expect something in return… No… he was not that kind of man. Or didn’t seem to be at least. She hoped not, because she wasn’t going to give him anything like that. She was with Alex. Nothing like that could happen between them. Although some disturbing images started forming in her mind’s eye, and they felt rather sweet… She shook them off with a shrug, and went to bed, where she fell exhausted.

At the other end of the phone, John sat in front of his computer, going through his emails while he was answering to Anna on the Whatsapp thread. He had several unanswered mails from his divorce solicitor and from Vera, his hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-wife. Vera didn’t want the divorce to go through, and she intended to make the process as long and painful as possible. She had completely unreasonable demands, that aimed at leaving him totally broke. It was infuriating, but he felt that he would have no choice but to leave her all his earthly possessions, if he ever wanted to be rid of her. He found that he was ready to pay that price, because he really really wanted to be rid of her. As he started to type an answer to his solicitor, he was interrupted by Anna’s Whatsapp message. He felt quite sorry for this sweet and courageous young woman, who appeared to be stuck in a complicated relationship. As he pressed send on the YouTube “Bruno Mars” link, he recalled the new and sweet energy that had run throughout his body when he had reached for her hand earlier. He was fooling himself, he thought. He had no right to have views on such a girl. She was way out of his reach. Far too young for one. He would have to settle for being his friend, and be happy with it. But he couldn’t help wondering if this particular friendship was not bound to slide out of hand, sooner or later…

Alex had come home very late and definitely drunk. At that time Anna had been asleep for several hours. When her alarm went off the next morning at 6:30, she slammed it off in hope that it wouldn’t wake him up. She silently crept out of bed and headed for the bathroom. She was in the midst of taking her shower when she heard the bathroom door open. Shit, he had woken up. Alex came in, naked but for his boxer, and started brushing his teeth. When he was finished, he pulled the shower curtain open and started observing Anna.

\- Alex! What the hell are you doing?!

\- Oh you know… Just enjoying the sight, he said with a predator grin. In fact, you’re making me kind of horny, I think I’ll join you.

And he stripped off his boxer, and entered the shower, starting to grope her.

\- Alex, she pleaded, I haven’t got time for that! I’m supposed to catch my bus in twenty minutes!

\- So? Twenty minutes is plenty of time… Come on Anna, you know you want it… he continued, rubbing himself on her.

\- No! I really don’t! I’m going to be late for work!

\- Oh stop it with your bloody work! I don’t care about work when I want you! You owe me after last night…

She tried to push him away again, but he wouldn’t let go of her. She wearily realized that it would cost her less time to let him go through with it, so she conceded defeat.

Later, as she was sitting in the bus she had only caught by a few seconds at the expense of eating her breakfast, she kept going over the scene over and over again, feeling slightly nauseous. One day she would have to find a way to escape him. This was no proper life.

She furtively brushed a tear away from her cheek, and automatically opened the “JB” conversation on her Whatsapp. She felt somehow that John would never behave like that with a woman. She wore a scarf around her neck all day at work, justifying herself that she had a sore neck. She earned a few suspicious looks, notable from Gwen and Mary, but also from John.

After this last brawl, Alex had calmed down, and had even accepted that Anna continued her Thursday meetings at the library. She was officially working with “a nurse friend from Downton”. Alex had not technically asked if said friend was a man or a woman, he seemed to have taken for granted that a nurse was supposed to be a woman. Anna had not had the guts to tell him otherwise. In the following weeks, Alex had been civil. He had even apologized for his violent outburst, arguing that his feelings for Anna were responsible for his loosing his nerves. Anna had forgiven this time, as she had so many times already.


	3. The past uncovered

At the end of the morning in Downton, the staff was gathering in the nurse’s room. Everyone was arriving one by one as they had finished their morning tasks. John, Gwen, Mary and Mrs Hughes were already there, discussing the afternoon’s planned work, when O’Brien entered, followed by Anna. They had conducted their morning round together, much to Anna’s dislike, who would have obviously preferred to be matched with John.

With a smirk on her face, O’Brien called out to John, loud enough so that everyone in the room was witness to the conversation:

\- So, Nurse Bates, we have a new patient, who claims to know you!

John looked up, intrigued and vaguely nervous. Knowing O’Brien, the evil grin she had plastered on her face was clearly an indication that she was up to no good. He looked at Anna, and her embarrassed look only confirmed his fears.

\- So? Don’t you want to know his name? asked O’Brien, clearly enjoying herself.

\- Well, as you seem to be dying to tell it, just spit it out, he shrugged.

\- It’s Craig Jones, she answered triumphantly.

John felt all blood suddenly leaving his head. Had the man told her where he knew him from? Of course he had, or she would not look so happy, and Anna so awkward… He felt cold sweat running down his spine, while his face started burning bright red. Oh, the old bat would enjoy so much his public humiliation…

\- Will you tell everyone where you came to know him? asked O’Brien savoring her moment.

\- I’ve know him in a period of my life that I dearly regret, and am not willing to dwell on in public, thank you Nurse O’Brien.

\- Oh, I can imagine that you regret having served time in prison, Nurse Bates…

At these words, all the others present gasped. She had dared, that malevolent harpy.

\- Will you leave him alone! shouted Anna angrily.

She could not bear to see her friend being humiliated this way in front of all their colleagues.

\- It’s his private life, and none of your business, you wicked creature!

Mrs Hughes stepped in sternly.

\- Anna is right. This is none of anyone’s business here. Will you please all get on with your work. Now.

Everyone looked away from John at her command, but the harm was done. This would be the only topic of gossip among all Downton staff for days, John thought bitterly. Mrs Hughes’s voice broke into his thoughts:

\- Nurse Bates, would you follow me in my office please?

\- Yes, sure Mrs Hughes.

Would this be the end of his short carrier at Downton?

Once Mrs Hughes had close her office door on the two of them, she looked him straight in the eyes:

\- Nurse Bates, I will ask only two questions, and I want you to answer honestly.

\- Of course Mrs Hughes.

\- Is it true that you went to prison?

\- Yes, I am ashamed to admit that I did.

\- Alright. My second question is the following: does M. Carson know about that?

\- He does Mrs Hughes. Dr Crawley, I mean Dr Robert Crawley knows, and it was clear from the beginning when he asked M. Carson to hire me. They generously chose to keep the information private, so that I wouldn’t face a bias against me from the beginning. This was tremendously kind of both of them.

\- Alright, continued Mrs Hughes. Then the rest is none of our business. If Dr Crawley and M. Carson have granted you their trust, it is enough for me. I am not asking for anything more.

\- Thank you Mrs Hughes. You are very kind too.

\- But I’m sorry to say that you are bound to be the topic of gossip for some time to come. You know how these places work. This kind of information spreads like fire…

\- I am very aware of that I’m afraid. I guess I’ll just have to brace myself and keep my head down until something more interesting comes along.

\- That seems like a wise attitude to me. Now, I’ll let you get on with your work.

\- Thank you Mrs Hughes.

* * *

The end of the day was most unpleasant for John Bates. Wherever he went, heads turned and whispers were heard. At last he found himself at the bus stop, with his earphones plugged in his ears, well decided not to talk to anyone anymore. Until Anna herself arrived to wait for her own bus.

When she saw him, she immediately sat herself next to him, and put a sympathetic hand on his arm.

\- I’m so sorry John, you must have had the most awful day…

\- I can say it wasn’t the best indeed, he answered ruefully.

\- That old bitch… I tried you know, to cut their conversation short, but they wouldn’t listen. She was so gleeful to hear from this wretched Craig. And he seemed very glad to spill the beans on you. I guess you didn’t get on so well the two of you, from what he had to say…

\- It’s a long story. I feel like I owe you an explanation. Would you like to walk with me instead of taking the bus? We can walk to the library and from there I can take another bus home.

\- I don’t think you owe me anything, but I’d be pleased to walk with you anyway, she answered with a warm smile.

So they set walking at a leisurely pace, following the edge of Downton’s large park. After a few moments of silence, Anna spoke again:

\- You know, I maintain that you don’t need to tell me anything more. You are my friend, I trust the man you are today. What you did in the past is none of my concern. We’ve all made mistakes.

\- Oh I have made mistakes. Many of them. I thank you so much for your trust and your friendship Anna. It means the world to me. And that’s precisely why I want to tell you what happened. I’d feel like I were lying to you otherwise.

\- Alright, then, tell me.

\- I served two years in prison. For drug concealing.

\- Oh. Drugs…

\- Yes. At that time in my life, I had been back from Irak for a few months. I was struggling with my injured knee, and with PTSD, and my relationship to Vera was a total mess. We were already drinking way too much, and we started using drugs. One day, the police knocked on our door at 6:00 in the morning, searched the flat, and found a fair amount of drugs, waiting to be collected and sold by the dealer. I confessed to having made the deal with him to be his hiding place. That’s how I got the two years sentence. It was an awful time, but it did me good in the end, since I came out clean of both alcohol and drugs.

\- And you’ve kept clean since?

\- I have been clean for four years now. Almost five.

\- Well that’s an achievement. Good for you.

She seemed thoughtful for a moment, then continued:

\- I’m sorry, but I don’t see you harboring drugs in your flat. You seem much cleverer to me than doing something so dumb…

\- What can I say… I confessed.

\- Well I’m not buying it. I’m sure there is more to it than you’re willing to tell. What about Vera?

\- She was taken into custody, interrogated, then released. She stayed in our flat while I was in prison. She didn’t quit alcohol, nor the drugs. When I came home, seeing that I had moved on and she had not, and was not willing to, I decided to leave the flat, and start a divorce procedure. I didn’t want to risk her dragging me back into my old habits. She’s still living there, and doing her utmost possible to delay the divorce. Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever be free of her. This marriage is the last thing that ties me to that time of my life that I want to forget.

Anna had listened intently, frowning a little as he poured out his past woes in front of her. At last, she stopped walking, facing him. She gently squeezed his arm and declared:

\- Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’ve been very courageous. I still don’t buy your plain guilt in the business, I’m sure there was some kind of context that tricked you into doing it. Anyway, you’ve done your time, you’ve cleaned, you’ve worked hard to build yourself a fresh start. All this makes you even more valuable a friend to me. And I’m still so mad at O’Brien for spilling the beans to the whole staff. I would gladly poke her eyes out, she said fiercely.

John chuckled. As they started walking again, he said thoughtfully:

\- You are a very kind person, you know that Anna? There aren’t many people who would listen to that story and still point out to the good in it. You are precious. I’m not sure I deserve your friendship.

\- Nonsense, snapped Anna. I decide who is worth my friendship. And you definitely are.

Their walk had led them to the library. Now was the time for them to go and catch their separate buses home.

\- So, there we are, stated Anna. I’m glad you told me all that. I hope it made you feel better.

\- It did. Thank you so much. Goodbye Anna.

\- Goodbye John.

She smiled brightly and deposited a feather-light kiss on his cheek. In a second she was gone on her bus. John, on the contrary, stood so dumbfounded by her last move, that he let his own bus pass in front of him without reaction.

Later that night, he sat on his couch, wondering how on earth he had got so lucky as to meet such a wonderful friend, when he felt his phone buzz with a Whatsapp notification. He smiled as he read it:

***I think it was very brave to tell me all**

**that today. They say honesty is the best**

**policy, but it’s not that easy.**

**You’re a good man John.**

**I hope you can see that.***

***I’m not sure that I am, but thank you.***

***You know you can count on me**

**Like 1, 2, 3…**

**;)***

***:)**

**Goodnight Anna***

***Goodnight. See you.***

He shut down his phone. Thinking over his day, he found out that O’Brien’s villainy and the ensuing public humiliation weighed not so much compared to the light shed by Anna’s open-hearted support. He wondered with a hint of fear if the tingling and warm sensation in his chest could still qualify as “friendship”. Oh Lord, he could really not afford to fall for her. This was bound to be way too complicated…

* * *

Anna was alone in her flat, as Alex was out somewhere with some friends of his. He hadn’t cared to inform her where and who he was with, let alone to invite her to join him, but that didn’t bother her at all. Her loneliness suited her very well at that moment. She needed to think over her day and the conversation she just had with John. She was still convinced that he hadn’t told her the whole story. Such a petty crime didn’t suit his character in her eyes. There was surely something more behind it. This wife of his surely seemed like a nasty piece of work anyway. Feeling in an investigative state of mind, she decided to try and learn more about this Vera Bates. What better place to start than social media? She was soon rewarded for her curiosity. Vera had a Facebook and an Instagram account, under her real name, where she didn’t seem to refrain on exposing her privacy. A short look into them was enough to conclude that she was a very self-centered and self-satisfied person. Anna decided to quietly follow her publications in the following weeks and maybe to befriend her. There might be some information to gather if one proceeded cautiously.

* * *

A few days later, Anna, Gwen ant Mary were chatting over a cup of tea in Mary’s office, as they often did when the unit workload permitted them to take a little break. The three of them had been good friends for several years now, and sometimes saw each other outside of work. That day, Gwen and Mary seemed very eager to discuss the latest gossip about John Bates's time in prison, which annoyed Anna. She sat silently drinking her tea while the two other girls wondered what he could have been sentenced for. Until she suddenly snapped:

\- Will you leave him be?! This is none of our business! You’re as bad as O’Brien the two of you!

The two women stopped dead, a little shocked at being compared to the nurse whom they all hated.

\- Wow, you’re hitting hard Anna, replied Gwen. We’re just chatting, we mean no harm.

\- Then stop it. It’s making me uncomfortable. John has been helping me once a week with my nursing classes for six months now, he’s a very kind man, he doesn’t deserve all that rubbish spoken behind his back!

She sure wasn’t going to tell them what he had confessed to her in private. She knew they were incapable of keeping such a secret.

\- Hey, do you fancy him? asked Mary with a curious smirk.

\- What? Shut up Mary, he’s just a friend! she replied, but couldn’t help blushing up to the roots of her blond hair.

\- Well, he’s a bit old, and what with the crutch, said Gwen, business-like, but you couldn’t do worse than this jerk Alex of yours anyway.

\- Don’t talk like that!

\- She’s right, continued Mary, Alex is a total jerk. The guy’s treating you like a free house-maid.

(If only he did just that, thought Anna. They didn’t know what really went on in the privacy of their flat.)

\- Anyway, added Gwen, I don’t know what tales you’ve been telling yourself about “just being friends” (Gwen quotemarked with her fingers in the air), but it’s clear as day that he fancies you…

\- Stop it, that’s bullshit, protested Anna, blushing harder than ever.

\- Yeah, right, concluded Mary. Fool yourself, but you’re not fooling us! So, ladies, we should go back to work now, or Mrs Hughes is going to scold us…

\- Oh God you’re right, it’s late.

The three of them quickly washed their mugs and put them away, and hurried back to their various duties.


	4. A tale of tainted love

That night, Anna came home to find that Alex was already there, watching TV in the living-room as usual. As she went into the kitchen to look out for dinner, her heart skipped a beat, when she saw her phone, lying in evidence on the kitchen table. She had cursed herself that very morning for forgetting it when she had switched handbags. It should have been left inside said purse, and not there on the table. This could only mean one thing: Alex had been through it. She had never given him her PIN, but she guessed he must have spied on her. Oh Lord, if he had read her Whatsapp conversation, she was in for a rough time.

As she started gathering things for dinner, she decided to try and soften the blow. She put the phone in her back pocket, picked a beer and went to the living-room. Handing him the bottle, she started sweetly:

\- Hey honey. Thanks for retrieving my phone, I couldn’t find it this morning.

He took the beer silently and took a long sip. He stood up and shot her a cold and piercing look.

\- Yeah. It was interesting actually.

So he had gone through it.

\- What? she asked in a falsely casual tone.

\- Were you planning on telling me that this “nurse friend” you’re “working” with is a man? Do you think I’m stupid Anna?

\- Have you been going through my private conversations?

She tried to sound offended, but it came out mostly fearful. He walked on her and grabbed the front of her shirt. Inches from her face, he whispered in a low and dangerous voice:

\- Are you cheating on me Anna?

\- What? No, Alex, come on! she answered in a small trembling voice.

\- And he’s married on top of it! You’re cheating on me with a married bloke!

He suddenly threw her down on the floor so hard that her forehead hurt the tiles. Pain shot right through her head. Tears streaming down her cheeks, she stood up and shouted:

\- We’re only working Alex! He’s been helping me with my nursing courses! You can go ask the librarian at the university library, she sees us every week! We did nothing wrong!

\- Yeah right. You’re not hiding anything from me Anna! You’re a slut!

He punctuated the insult with a slap in her face that cut her breath short.

\- You’re not seeing him again! he bellowed after her as she fled and locked herself in the spare bedroom.

In the relative safety of the locked bedroom, she cried her eyes out for several minutes. When she managed to calm down a bit, her first move was to change the PIN on her phone. That done, she connected to her Whatsapp account and texted John:

***Hey sorry I won’t be able**

**to make it tomorrow night***

The next day was supposed to be their last meeting before her exams, which were taking place the following week. It would have been very welcome, because even before that night, she was starting to lose her nerves, panicking at the approach of the days when she was putting her future at stakes. Now she didn't dare go against Alex’s order.

***Alright, your call.**

**Is anything wrong?***

***No, no, it’s OK***

She didn’t want to tell him the extent of her misery, but at the same time, she felt bad for lying to him, since he had been so very honest with her.

***Well, no, not really OK. Alex has found**

**out that I was working with a man,**

**and he’s gone mad. He’s so jealous**

**it’s silly really…***

***Oh Jesus, Are U alright?***

***I’m fine. He just needs some time to calm down.**

**But sometimes he’s so difficult, I don’t really**

**know why I’m staying with him.***

***Well, that’s really not for me to say. ^^***

She could really not tell him what had just happened. She felt he would want to act on it, and she just couldn’t handle that right now. She decided to switch topics.

***But right now I’m freakin out about the exams…**

**I feel I’ve forgotten everything. -_-***

***Come on, I know you’ll do well.**

**U’re ready. It’s stage fright.***

***I wish it was.**

**I feel I’m just gonna crash down in flames.***

***You are so not going to do that.**

**You can do it. Trust me.**

**Trust yourself!***

She smiled sadly at his words. How come he always found the right words to cheer her up, when Alex only put her further down?

***Mariah Carey – Hero**

[ **https://youtu.be/P3iGU3sFM5k*** ](https://youtu.be/P3iGU3sFM5k)

“ _There’s a hero, if you look inside your heart_

_You don’t have to be afraid of what you are_

_There’s an answer, if you reach into your soul_

_And the sorrow that you know will melt away_

_And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on_

_And you cast your fears aside, and you know you can survive_

_So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong_

_And you’ll finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you._

_Lord knows, dreams are hard to follow_

_But don’t let anyone tear them away_

_Hold on, there will be tomorrow_

_In time, you’ll find a way”_

She chuckled softly. She passed a hand on the bump that was forming on her head where she had hit the floor. That was bound to show the next day. She would have to find a suitable excuse for people at work. What kind of hero had to hide bruises from her friends? She was lost in her thoughts when Alex’s voice behind the door startled her:

\- Anna?

\- Leave me alone Alex! she answered firmly.

\- Anna, open up!

\- No!

\- Anna, come on. I’m sorry Babe.

\- Oh you’re sorry? For what exactly? For throwing me down, for slapping me in the face, or for insulting me?

\- I know, I know, I’m sorry for all that! I shouldn’t let my temper get the best of me. But you know how I am… I get mad when you’re keeping things from me. That’s because I love you!

She sighed at these words she had heard so many times before. He started to cry on the other side of the door.

\- Come on Anna, darling, I love you! I cannot live without you! If you ever leave me, I don’t know what I’d be capable of…

Her good heart started aching for him. As used as she was to his tale of tainted love, it seemed she was about to fall for it once more… She finally unlocked the door. He entered and right away pushed her against the wall and kissed her fiercely. Surprised, she allowed him. He cupped her cheek, and started kissing her neck and shoulder, whispering to her ear many “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. She let herself be convinced once more. This was why she was still with him: he apologized, and she forgave. Again and again.

* * *

\- What’s happened to you?! asked John first thing when he came across her the next day.

She had done her best to conceal the traces of Alex’s work with make up, but obviously it wasn’t enough to fool John’s attentive eyes.

\- Nothing. I slipped in the shower, and I hit the edge of the sink as I went down. Stupid really…

\- You’re sure you’re OK?

John didn’t seem really satisfied with her explanation.

\- Of course! It was a stupid accident that’s all, she argued with her best fake smile. Sorry, I have to go, Nurse Jenkins is waiting for me.

\- Sure.

But as Anna was turning away, he caught her arm and whispered to her ear.

\- Anna, if you need help, you can talk to me. I am here. And I don’t mean only for the nursing courses.

She hesitated for a split second, then answered.

\- Thank you John, but I’m fine. Really. Now I must go.

And she went away. John couldn’t help but worry for her. First the phone call at the library and her hasty departure, then her messages from the previous night, and now this dodgy story about falling in the shower… He wasn’t so stupid as not to add two and two together. Feeling at a loss as to what to do, he decided to go and talk to Mrs Hughes about his suspicions.

The answer came swiftly when he knocked on her office’s door.

\- Yes, come in! Oh, hello Nurse Bates. What can I do for you?

\- Hello Mrs Hughes. Do you have a minute? There’s something on my mind that I’d like to share with you.

\- Yes, of course, take a seat, she said, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk.

He sat down, and hesitated for a few moments, not really knowing how to phrase what he had to say.

\- So? What was it you needed to discuss?

\- Well, I… I’ve been worrying lately. About Anna…

\- Anna? Why would you worry?

\- I have the feeling that she’s being… mistreated, if I may put it this way. By her partner.

\- Oh. That’s a serious issue indeed. What makes you think that?

\- I have no certainty, but several little things that I have witnessed or that she has told me. And you’ll notice when you see her today that she has a bruise in her forehead, for which she gave me a rather odd explanation. And it’s not the first time I notice bruises on her.

\- I see. Thank you Nurse Bates for coming to me. I will investigate the matter.

\- Thank you Mrs Hughes. I would hate to think of her getting hurt.

When John had left her office, Mrs Hughes frowned and thought over what he had just confided. John Bates surely was sharp-eyed, but then anyone who looked a bit close at those two could easily tell that he cared about Anna very much. She herself had already had her doubts about Anna. The cheerful and bright young woman she had hired nearly five years ago had gradually become much more silent, subdued, as if the lively flame in her was slowly evolving towards extinction. She decided to talk to Gwen and Mary about her. They were good friends, she hoped they could coax her into confiding in them. If they managed to have her accept some help, maybe they could get her out of this man’s grip.

* * *

As usual after each violent outburst, Alex set to smooth things over in the following weeks. He offered to drive Anna to her exams and pick her up afterwards. He made it look like a goodwill offer, but it also permitted him to keep control over her, making sure she didn’t stray with anyone out of his knowledge. In the end Anna thought she performed quite well. She had to wait several weeks for the results to come out. In the meantime she resumed her work at Downton.

Mary and Gwen had been unsuccessful in trying to wriggle confidences out of her. She kept telling them off whenever they tried to persuade her that Alex was not the right man for her. She had put some distance between John and her, staying in a cautious friendly-but-no-more relationship. Meanwhile, on her spare time, she had kept interacting with Vera on Facebook, and as she got to know her better, she was discovering what kind of malevolent person she was. Anna was convinced that Vera wasn’t a stranger to John’s conviction, but she had not yet managed to make her say it. Yet she had good hopes that she would spit it out in the end, so proud as she was to brag about her nasty deeds.

John was feeling frustrated at the way Anna had stopped confiding in him, and missed their weekly meetings. But he felt he had no right to ask for more than the polite conversations they exchanged during their shared shifts at Downton. He hadn’t quite yet admitted to himself that he was head over heels in love with her, although he could not think about anything or anyone else when he was spending his lonely evenings at home.


	5. The missing pills

It was just before lunch break when Mrs Hughes and M. Carson, looking stern, gathered all the staff in the nurse’s room. M. Carson spoke first:

\- Hello everyone. I’m sorry to disturb your day’s work, but we have an inconvenient matter at hands. It appears that a fair amount of morphine tablets have been signaled as missing from the pharmacy’s drawer. This is most unfortunate. If anyone of you has any information about this, I plead that he or she comes to me or Mrs Hughes at once. Privacy will be ensured. I’m afraid that if these pills are not found very soon, I’ll have to report the incident to the police.

Everyone in the room seemed worried and surprised, except for O’Brien who shot a nasty look at John:

\- Well, Nurse bates, I wouldn’t like to be in your shoes!

Anna at once came to his defense:

\- And why is that please?

\- Well, I mean, a police investigation in a matter of drugs when you’ve got a record of a conviction on drug charges… I guess that must be most uncomfortable, she sneered.

\- You’re such a… started Anna with anger burning in her eyes.

\- Thank you Anna! cut Mrs Hughes. And Nurse O’Brien, we don’t need any more comments. I do hope this matter will be promptly resolved and we won’t have to come to such lengths as calling the police. Now will you please all proceed.

Half an hour later, John was brooding over his sandwich alone in the park, on the very same bench where he had spoken to Anna for the first time. Of course he had nothing to do with the morphine theft, but he knew indeed, as O’Brien had kindly made public, that his past record was making him the prime suspect in the matter. He was wondering if his past would ever leave him in peace, when Anna came about and sat next to him:

\- There you are. I looked for you everywhere.

\- You did? Why is that?

\- I wanted to tell you that O'Brien is a bitch and that I don’t think you have any responsibility in this. I know you’ve done no wrong, and before it’s over I’ll tell the world! she said heatedly.

\- That’s very kind of you. But I’m not quite sure the world is listening, he said with a bittersweet smile.

\- Aren’t you going to fight for yourself?!

\- Well I really have nothing to say. If they question me, I’ll tell the truth, which is that I don’t know anything about those missing pills…

\- I wouldn't be the least surprised if that old bat was behind all this…

\- But what can I do… I have no proof of anything…

\- Then we’ll have to find some, she said, determined to fight for justice.

\- You’re very kind Anna. But you don’t have to do that for me.

\- So you’re going to take it lying down? Just like you did with Vera?

He looked up at her, surprised:

\- What? What do you mean?

\- I’ve been following Vera on Facebook for several weeks. I’ve gotten to know her and pretended to get friendly with her. She as good as confided that she was the reason you were convicted in the first place. She was the one who concealed the drugs, wasn’t she? You took the blame to protect her, didn’t you? Why did you do that?!

John looked at her with his mouth opened, looking completely at a loss for words. She went on:

\- I am right, am I not?

He finally sighed, and answered slowly:

\- Yes, you’re right. I’m impressed at your investigative skills…

\- So? Why?

\- I guess I felt guilty, for ruining her life. It was my fault she fell into drugs in the first place.

\- Well you didn’t force her I guess?

\- No, of course not… but I showed her the way.

\- So you thought going to prison in her place would make up for that?

\- Something like that yes.

\- Well it didn’t make things any better between you… I can tell you from what she tells people on Facebook, she’s not grateful at all. She thinks you’re a naive fool…

\- And she’s right. I was a naive fool to think that there was still some good in her. Now I know better.

\- And do you think you’ll be rid of her soon?

\- I hope I will, in a few months. The divorce is going ahead, even if she’s making every possible move to delay. I’ll probably lose everything in the process, but I don’t care. I just want to be free.

\- I’ll be glad for you when you are, she said, squeezing his hand.

\- So will I… he sighed.

As they returned to work, John marveled at Anna’s righteousness and cleverness. She obviously couldn’t accept injustice, and she had gone to some lengths to find out the information needed to understand what he hadn’t told her. She seemed about to spend the same energy to undo whatever O’Brien had been scheming against him. Would she do that for someone who was just a co-worker? Had she noticed the feelings he had to admit having for her? Was she returning them? In spite of all the mess she had discovered in his past? He felt rather overwhelmed by all this thoughts and had a hard time focusing on his work for the rest of the day.

* * *

The next morning, as soon as they had arrived, before taking their shift, Anna called after John:

\- Hey John!

\- Yes?

\- I’ve been thinking about it all night. I think I know where the missing pills are.

\- You do?

\- Yes. In your locker.

\- What?! he replied, shocked that she would believe he would have done such a thing. You don’t think that I…

\- Of course I don’t, you silly beggar! I just think O’Brien would like that very much if they were found in there.

\- But how could she have planted them? In the men’s locker room?

\- That’s what I don’t know yet. But will you check please?

\- Yes, I will, as soon as I get the time. Let’s meet at lunch break. I’ll tell you if I’ve found anything.

At noon, they met on their usual bench.

\- So? asked Anna eagerly.

\- You were right! I found them in a small box concealed at the rear of my locker! I hadn’t even noticed it before.

\- Urgh, I knew it!

\- What can I do now? If I go to M. Carson saying I “found” them in my locker, it’ll just look as if I did steal them and then chickened out…

\- Or, you can give them to me, and I’ll plant them into O’Brien’s locker! I know her code, she grinned.

\- No. I don’t want anyone to lose their job because of me.

\- Even O’Brien?

\- Even O’Brien, he said stubbornly. But, maybe we can scare her a bit, he added with a mischievous smile.

\- How?

\- When we’re all in the nurse’s room, I’ll ask publicly Mrs Hughes if she has news about the investigation. When she says no, you can suggest that they search the staff lockers. We will just put the pills back in their place. She’ll know that I know, and it will be enough for me.

\- I rather like that, grinned Anna. I can’t wait to see the look on her face! But that still doesn’t explain how she managed… She or someone she bribed or convinced would have had to get into the men’s locker room, and they needed to know your locker’s code… Do you see someone who knows it?

\- I don’t think so, but then, even someone who didn’t know it could have found it easily, since it is 1234…

She looked at him in plain disbelief.

\- Seriously?!

\- Well I’m sorry but I never figured that someone would want to break into my locker…

\- Then, either she has broken into the men’s locker room when no one was looking, or she has bribed a man to do it. Who could she have used? I say bribed, but maybe she just scared someone into doing it… I wouldn’t put it past her.

\- William?

She shook her head.

\- No, it’s not like him to do such a thing. Maybe Daisy, the cleaning girl? She sure is scared of O’Brien. And, she has an excuse for entering the men’s locker room everyday since she cleans it! I’ll go and interrogate her.

She fell silent, having followed her path of thinking until the end. It was only then that she noticed that John was looking intently at her, a bemused smile on his face.

\- What? she asked gingerly.

\- I am really amazed at the energy you are willing to put into solving this mystery. I really don’t know why you would do all that for me.

\- Well, because I care of course, she answered bluntly. After everything you’ve done for me, I could not watch you being falsely accused and not do anything!

\- I am very glad that you care about me. I’m not sure I deserve it.

She blushed slightly, wondering if he meant more than it sounded.

\- But of course you deserve it! If I ever get to be a nurse someday, I will owe it to you.

\- I know you would have made it without me…

\- You gave me faith in myself when I had none. That’s a precious gift John.

\- I am happy to have been of use. Speaking of which, when are you getting your results?

\- Next week… Oh my God I’m so nervous about it, she said, biting her lips. But right now I have some investigating to do! Let’s get back or we’ll be late.

\- You’re right. Let’s go.

As she hurried back towards Downton, he followed her at a small distance. She really was extraordinary woman. If only she was not stuck with that ghastly man… Maybe he would gather the courage to ask her out.

* * *

It turned out that O’Brien had indeed scared Daisy into planting the pills into John’s locker. The poor girl dissolved into tears when Anna interrogated her. She was obviously overwhelmed by remorse. Anna had a hard time managing to calm her down and convince her that they weren’t going to sell her to M. Carson and Mrs Hughes.

Anna and John carried on as they had planned together, rejoicing in the panicked look that crept on O’Brien’s face when Anna casually suggested the locker search while John fixed O'Brien's face purposefully. Just before Mrs Hughes and M. Carson set to start said search, Anna conveniently opened the drawer just underneath the one where the morphine was usually kept, and “found” the missing pills with her best astonished look. After counting the tablets, Mrs Hughes concluded that none were missing and that they had only been misplaced. She scolded the staff for being so careless, and the case of the missing morphine was settled. O’Brien’s dislike for John became even more blatant, if it were ever possible. Yet she had to silently concede defeat.

John and Anna came out of this episode closest friends as ever, even if they didn’t see each other outside of work anymore. John didn’t dare ask Anna out, for fear of making trouble for her, and Anna didn’t dare challenge Alex’s order not to see John again. However, it didn’t prevent then from enjoying a solid friendship. They both marveled at the level of understanding they had between them. They were often able to communicate without speaking, or one finished the sentence the other had started, which caused them to laugh every time.

Anna sometimes found herself awake in the night, thinking how different she felt in John’s company. She felt so much freer, so much more respected, and relaxed, than she ever felt in Alex’s company. There was a new sense of purpose, of entitlement that she had never felt before. More than once did thoughts creep into her mind of how it would feel to fall asleep and wake up next to John instead of Alex. He was older, lame, in the midst of a messy divorce and much less wealthy than Alex, yet he was taking his place in her dreams more and more often. Unfortunately, Alex’s hold on her was still too strong, and she still could not shake off the mental chains he had put on her for several years. She feared what he could do to her, or to John, or even to himself if she ever tried to leave him.


	6. Double or quits

On a crisp Friday morning the following week, as John was crossing Downton’s green park towards the entrance, he heard Anna’s unmistakable voice calling from behind him:

\- John! John!

He turned around only to see her running to him, beaming with pride, a piece of paper in her hand. When she was near, she shouted:

\- I did it! I did it! I passed!

The widest grin appeared on his face, soon replaced by a tinge of panic when he saw that although she was getting closer to him she gave no sign of slowing her approach. She threw herself towards him, and it seemed for a split second that she was about to kiss him. She stopped in her tracks at the very last moment, and after the briefest moment of awkward hesitation, settled for hugging him. When she released him from her embrace, he felt quite dizzy, and needed a few seconds to come back to his senses. His heart raced as if he had run a sprint, and he had to concentrate very hard to listen to what she was saying:

\- I passed with high marks, look! she beamed, showing him the paper she was holding.

He studied the document long enough to regain his composure.

\- Wow, well done! I knew you’d make it, I’m so proud of you Anna!

\- I’m so happy, I almost didn’t sleep last night… she laughed.

\- You’ll make a terrific nurse, that’s for sure.

\- Well, there’s still a long way to go. I have to take the practical training first.

John suddenly realized that he had never inquired past the exams. He had never thought of what came afterwards. Of course there was to be a training. And that could only mean one thing:

\- When will you start?

\- In a month.

\- And where will you train?

\- In York’s Royal University Hospital.

\- For how long?

\- Eighteen months.

His mood suddenly fell. He had just given her the tools to go away from him. In a month he would not see her everyday anymore.

\- So your days at Downton are counted? he said in what he hoped to be a casual voice.

\- Who knows? I might come back afterwards. As a nurse.

\- That’d be great, he smiled.

For her sake, he was determined not to let his sadness show. He couldn’t let his unauthorized feelings ruin her happiness and accomplishment.

At midday, since the weather had turned bad and rain was pouring outside, Anna brought her lunch box to the cafeteria to eat with Gwen and Mary. She had shared her news, and the mood was light. Mary started teasing Anna:

\- So, no secret talks on the bench with John today? You only remembered about your girl pals and you felt bad for abandoning them?

\- Oh please Mary, stop the bullshit, she snapped, not without blushing, like every time the girls mentioned John.

Gwen lifted her glass and said:

\- Anyway, congrats to the future nurse! I can’t believe you’ll be leaving us though. I’m so sad. And who will they find to replace you? God I hope not another O’Brien type…

\- Please Gwen, lamented Mary, I could not bear another one like her… Anyway, she smirked, turning back to Anna, I bet Nurse Bates will be devastated that you’re leaving…

\- Come on, he helped me prepare, he knew very well that I would be leaving for training, that would be no news to him…

\- Yeah, maybe, we’ll see. I bet he’ll get less cheerful when you’re gone…

\- Oooh, I know, cut Gwen, we have to throw you a farewell party!

\- Good idea, beamed Mary. I can’t believe I didn’t have it myself!

The two girls were always eager to find a good excuse for a night out. Anna herself was not so thrilled. At once she thought of how she was going to explain this to Alex, and how he would react, if he was going to let her go.

\- Hmmm, I don’t know…

\- Come on Anna! We’ve worked together for five years, you cannot think of leaving without a proper goodbye! protested Mary.

She then remembered that Alex had planned a business trip of three days in two weeks’ time. If they could plan it then, she wouldn’t have to talk to him about it.

\- Alright, what about Friday evening in two weeks?

\- Great! I’ll book a restaurant and invite everyone, concluded Gwen.

* * *

That evening, alone at home, John could not stop thinking about their morning encounter. She had almost kissed him. He felt so excited that she had almost, and so frustrated that she had not. But that could only mean that she had some feelings for him too. Or did she just get carried away from excitement over her good results? He wondered if he should speak up, tell her everything he would like her to know…

He couldn’t help but think that their couple seemed improbable at best. A middle-aged, lame, slightly overweight, recovering addict and alcoholic had no prospect to look for with a bright and so beautiful young woman… And that was without even starting to worry about her current boyfriend. But he couldn’t help what he was feeling, and he had more than doubts that she was feeling something too. So he felt it would be a waste to let her go without speaking up. Anyway, she was going away, so what did he have to lose? If he made a fool of himself, at least they wouldn’t see each other again. He promised himself to say something at the farewell party, since Gwen had invited him earlier that day.

He wasn’t usually a very social person. Had the party been planned for anyone else, he would probably not have gone. But he couldn’t waste an occasion to spend a little more time with her, and maybe open his heart to her.

* * *

The following two weeks passed in a strained casual mood for John Bates. Anna never mentioned the “almost-kiss”, and he didn’t dare bring the topic on. They kept on their usual close-friends relationship, although John found it very hard to refrain himself from looking her in the eyes or touching her too long or in too meaningful a way. He felt like he was playing a role that was not true to his actual feelings and felt very uneasy about it. This only strengthened his resolution to play double or quits the following Friday. All the while Anna didn’t seem to notice his uneasiness, or chose not to.

When the day of the party finally came, as they were as usual on their way to the bus stop to go back home after their shift, she flashed him a bright smile that made his insides burn:

\- I’m so very glad you’re coming tonight!

\- I’m glad too, he smiled back. Although I’m not so glad you’re leaving…

\- But I’m not leaving the country! Not even the city…

\- I know, but we won’t see each other everyday at work anymore. Will you miss me? he asked hopefully.

A shadow passed on her face. He regretted at once asking the question.

\- Try not to miss me, she answered. It’ll be good practice.

Without another word, she boarded her bus, looking back to him over her shoulder with a somewhat sad smile.

Well, he thought to himself. That was not the best of starts for what he had in mind for later.

* * *

Gwen had booked a private lounge in a cozy restaurant in downtown York. When John got there, all the guests were already there: Gwen, Mary and Anna of course, Thomas Barrow the physiotherapist, with his boyfriend Richard Ellis, Sybil Crawley with her boyfriend Tom Branson, Daisy, William, Mrs Hughes and a few more members of the staff whom John was less acquainted with. Cocktails helping, the mood was light and cheerful. Of course O’Brien had not been invited. When John was settled in one of the remaining chairs (unfortunately not near Anna), and he had ordered a virgin mojito, Mrs Hughes clinked her knife on her glass, asking for silence.

\- Hi everyone, please, I’d like to say a few words.

When everyone had quieted down, she went on:

\- So, Anna, for the last five years, I have watched you evolve and mature as a nursing assistant in Downton. I think I’m not lying when I say that you are highly valued by all the staff and by our patients. You are kind, considerate, and devoted to your work. I am more than convinced that you will become a wonderful nurse. When you’re done, we will be very glad to welcome you back at Downton if you would so wish, as soon as an opening comes by. In the meantime, we all wish you the best of luck. Everyone, I give you, Anna!

\- To Anna, everyone bellowed back, raising their glasses.

\- I think Gwen and Mary have prepared a few presents fro you.

Anna was smiling, rosy-cheeked, confused from all the praise. She gladly accepted the box Gwen put into her hands.

\- Yes, we tried to craft you kind of “survival kit” for the nursing student.

\- Oh God, thank you girls, that’s awesome! marveled Anna as she was going through the content of the box: there was a note pad, several four-colors pens, scissors, a nurse watch, some pliers, a new lunch box, a thermos, all labeled to her name.

She engaged in a lively conversation about nursing training with her two friends and Mrs Hughes, who shared memories from her own time in nursing school, many years ago.

John was observing from a distance, trying to follow on the conversation going on his side of the table between Thomas and William. He had also brought a present for Anna, but didn’t feel like giving it to her in public. As hard as he tried to focus on his co-worker’s chatter, he couldn’t help but lose track when his gaze was helplessly drawn to the radiant blond girl at the other end of the table. Oh Lord how could one be so beautiful… Her smile made him want to climb mountains, and her bright blue eyes made him want to dive in them. His heart pounded when he thought that he had to find a way to talk to her before the end of the evening. How would he ever get a private talk with her. He was starting to think it was a stupid idea after all. And he couldn’t even warm himself up with alcohol…

At some point during the meal, several of the guests had gone outside for a cigarette break. Anna, being a non-smoker, was coming back from the restrooms, and came to sit next to John, in the chair vacated by Thomas. She smiled to him:

\- So, are you enjoying yourself?

\- Quite, he answered. Although I would rather have been seated closer to you…

\- That’s the bargain for arriving last… You don’t get to choose your seat! she teased.

\- That was quite a speech that Mrs Hughes made.

She blushed:

\- Yeah, I’m not sure I deserve such appraisal, but it’s nice to know one is appreciated…

\- I am sure you deserve every bit of it.

His hand brushed past hers as he reached down for the bag in which he had been keeping his present.

\- There you are. I have a present for you too.

\- Oh John, you needn’t have… she said, blushing harder than ever.

Tearing the paper, she uncovered a book, titled “The nurse’s guide to emergencies”.

\- My mother offered me this book when I started my own training, and I found it very useful. This one is an updated edition of course, mine would be useless these days, he chuckled.

She put her hand on his, looking at him with eyes shining a little too bright:

\- Thank you so much John.

He moved his hand to encircle her fingers in his, gently rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. A meaningful silence lingered for a few seconds between them, only to be interrupted by a chorus of loud voices announcing the return of the smoking gang. She smiled and whispered:

\- I have to go back to my place. See you later?

He nodded silently, tearing himself from the sacred moment, regretting the loss of her sweet touch on his hand.

The rest of the evening passed in the same high spirits. As midnight came close, the mood started to fall back a bit, tiredness taking its toll on everyone who had had a long day’s work. Thomas and Richard had once again gone out to smoke a cigarette. As the rest of the gang was quietly chatting inside, screams and the noise of a brawl came to them from the street outside. Looking through the windows, they saw Richard and Thomas fighting with two black-clad tall men.

At once Anna was on her feet and running outside, bellowing:

\- Shit, they’re being assaulted!

John jumped to follow her, trying to stop her.

\- Anna, don’t! You’ll get yourself hurt!

As she didn’t listen to him, he started making his way outside as fast as his crutch would permit him, hoping that she wouldn’t do anything foolish. Outside, the four men were exchanging fist bumps and insults. One of the black-clothed thugs yelled “you dirty faggots!” as he punched Richard on this nose.

\- Hey, stop it, yelled Anna, jumping at the tall man’s throat, who had to be double her weight. John came right behind her and watched her in panic as he saw her throwing herself into the battle. But her unexpected intervention unsettled the man, and John just had time to put down his crutch behind his feet, which caused him to crumble flat on his back on the pavement. He then lifted the crutch in the air as if threatening to hit the man with it, while Anna shouted at the top of her voice:

\- Now leave them alone!

Surprised at the fierceness of the attack, the two assailants stumbled to their feet and swiftly ran away.

\- Man I can’t stand those stupid bigots! she said heatedly as she turned back to Thomas and Richard. Are you alright guys?

Richard had a bloody nose and Thomas’s left eye was swelling.

\- Yeah, thank you, nothing too serious I think. We’ll head home and put some ice on those, said Thomas.

\- God what jerks, sighed Richard. Falling on us from nowhere just because we were holding hands. Thank you guys for your help, he said as they both shook John’s hand and gave Anna a quick peck on the cheek.

\- Wow, Anna, you’re such a lioness when you’re mad! chuckled Thomas. You’re daft, they were twice your size, they could have hurt you seriously…

\- Well I’m sorry but I just couldn’t watch and do nothing, she said boldly. Besides, look how they ran. Only muscles and no face, she shrugged.

The rest of the gang had come outside and witnessed the end of the scene. They all inquired about the two men’s safety and congratulated Anna and John on their efficient intervention.

\- So, this crutch sometimes comes in handy, commented William.

\- Yeah, it can prove useful, chuckled John.

As the party decided to call it a night and head home, John caught Anna apart and asked her:

\- May I offer to drive you back home? There’ll be no buses at this hour. And you can be sure I’ve had no drink.

Anna hesitated for a second. Mary was supposed to drive her home.

\- Hmm, I was supposed to… Yes, sure, that’d be nice, thank you. Let’s go inside and collect our stuff.

A few minutes later, as they had bid farewell to all their friends, Anna and John headed for John’s car, not without a knowing smirk from Gwen and Mary.

After a moment’s silent driving, John started the conversation:

\- That was very brave what you did earlier. I’m impressed at how you stand up and fight for what you believe in.

\- Yeah. Brave or foolhardy…

He chuckled:

\- Yes maybe a tad reckless. But I still admire you for it. And I might be a little concerned that you care more about your friends’ safety than your own…

She had nothing to answer to that. She looked outside the car’s window for a while, then to the book she was holding.

\- Thank you so much for the book. I bet it’ll save my ass a few times.

John smiled.

\- You’re welcome. You’ll tell me.

About ten minutes later, John was parking a short distance away from Anna’s apartment building.

\- There we are. I’ll walk you to your door. I don’t like to know you alone in a dark street.

She didn’t protest. After walking a few yards, he sucked in a deep breath, took her hand and came to face her:

\- Look Anna, before we part, and you go away, I need to talk to you.

Anna tensed and suddenly looked nervous.

\- Please, John, don’t…

\- Yes, I have to. Because… I love you, Anna Smith. I know it’s not gentleman-like to say it, not when you’re with someone else, but I’m not a gentleman and I don’t pretend to be.

Anna stared at him, shaken, temporarily at a loss for words. When she found her voice back, she whispered:

\- You are a gentleman to me. And I never knew a finer one.

She had not taken her hand back from his hold. She came a bit closer to him, looking in his eyes with a desperate look:

\- But I’m not free…

The words seemed to be hurting her as she uttered them, and they sure hit John as cold blades into his heart.

\- Maybe… you could break free? he tried hopefully.

Standing almost against his chest, she turned her face upwards to him, closed her eyes as tears rolled down her pale cheeks, silently offering her lips to him. He bent his own face to meet her, and for the briefest and purest of moments their lips gently touched. The kiss was soon over, but they stayed for a moment, eyes closes, forehead against forehead. The world around them had come to a standstill.

It was Anna who first broke the spell, her voice only a murmur:

\- I’m so sorry John…

She took a step back. His eyes were wet too. He cupped her cheek in his big hand and said:

\- If you ever change your mind, I’ll be waiting. Just call me.

She silently put her own hand on the back of his, then gently removed it from her cheek. She half-smiled, and fled in the direction of her building. A few seconds later she had disappeared in the building’s hallway.

Well, that had gone well, John thought bitterly to himself, as he slowly walked back to his car. He might not have made a fool of himself, but the result was no better…

Sitting on the edge of her bed, in her room dimly lit by her bedside lamp, Anna fought to bring her breath back under control. So he had said it. She had known for a while of course, she was not blind, and she would be lying to herself if she said that the feeling was not reciprocated. But how could she “break free” from Alex, as he had suggested? Now of all times, when she would have no wages for the next eighteen months… Yet that brief kiss had felt so heavenly. Why was life always so complicated, she lamented to herself. She looked at the book she still held in her lap, and opened the cover. She noticed that John had written a few words inside:

“I will never forget you,

Yours always,

xxx JB”

She broke into tears as she read it, feeling more trapped and lonely than ever. She stored the book away for safe-keeping. It would not do to have Alex find it and read it. She then went to the bathroom to undress and clear the makeup from her face. When she was about to go to bed, she heard the sound of a Whatsapp notification on her phone.

***Bill Withers – Ain’t no sunshine**

[ **https://youtu.be/YuKfiH0Scao*** ](https://youtu.be/YuKfiH0Scao)

“ _Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone_

_It’s not warm when she’s away_

_Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone_

_And she’s always gone too long_

_Anytime she goes away”_

***I’m sorry for tonight**

**I hope I have not offended or hurt you**

**I felt I had to say something before you left***

She smiled sadly.

***You did nothing wrong**

**Thank you for speaking up**

**I wish things were different, but it’s**

**very complicated for me**

**I’m sorry.***

***I understand**

**You know where to find me**

**if you ever need me.**

**Goodnight Anna, and good luck***

***Thank you for everything you did.**

**Goodnight, and good luck to you too.***

That was wishful thinking, John thought bitterly on his end of the phone, because good luck did not seem to be in store for them right now.


	7. No Happy Ending

Anna woke up the next morning after a restless night, feeling badly hung over, although she had not drunk that much the previous night. She couldn’t help but go over and over John’s words in her head. She could still feel the warmth of his lips against hers, the gentle squeeze of his hand on hers, the pain in his eyes at being rejected. She went to the bathroom and passed cold water on her face, hoping it would wash the memories away, and set to boil some water for tea. She intended to keep herself busy in order to soothe her distressed mind. First she had to go to the hospital to collect her new trainee outfits. It would take her a good part of the morning, the hospital being at the other end of York’s city. Then she would set to cleaning the whole flat, so that it’s be neat for Alex’s return, which was planned for the end of the afternoon.

She came back just before lunch hour, as she had expected. She stored her working clothes, put away the groceries she had picked up on her way home, and quickly arranged a small lunch tray, that she ate without appetite while watching some meaningless show on TV. She then turned the radio on, and tried to lose herself in scrubbing the place from floor to ceiling. She found the cleaning process had quite a soothing and hypnotizing effect on her, that is until the radio played “Hero” from Mariah Carey, and she found herself weeping over the sink. She furiously brushed the tears away and started scrubbing harder than ever. Yes, indeed, dreams were hard to follow.

The flat was spotless when she heard the door open and close on Alex’s return. He left his suitcase in the hall, kicked off his shoes, and headed to sit on the couch, where he put his feet up on the low table. He sighed deeply:

\- Good to be home at last, and enjoy my little madam.

Anna came to him and asked:

\- You alright hon’? Fancy a drink? Beer?

Alex looked up at her, frowning.

\- I’d rather have a Coke, please babe.

\- Alright. So how was the trip?

\- OK… We had a bit of fun in London, but then it was still work…

She handed him the soda he had asked for. He went to his suitcase a retrieved a small box, that he handed to her.

\- There you go. I brought you a little present. There. Open it, he said, putting the box in her hands.

She obliged, and discovered a golden chain holding a heart-shaped pendant. She looked very embarrassed, as this made her feel so very guilty about the night before.

\- Don’t you like it? asked Alex.

\- Yes… Yes I do, she stuttered. But you needn’t have…

\- What? Can’t a man spoil his chick a little, he said, embracing her, kissing her in the neck and passing his hand on her bottom.

She awkwardly disengaged from his hold, and muttered:

\- Thank you Alex, that’s very nice. I have to go sort out the laundry, she said as she turned away to the bathroom.

While she was collecting his suitcase and taking the dirty clothes out to fill the washing machine, she inwardly scolded herself for being so ungrateful to Alex, and for what she felt was her unfaithfulness to him. Yet she didn’t feel like wearing the necklace, nor let him touch her in the way he had just done.

Alex had turned the TV on, and scrolled on his phone at the same time. After sorting out the clothes, Anna headed to the kitchen to start on dinner. As she went back to the living room to set the plates on the dining table, Alex stood up and walked to her. The look he shot her foretold nothing good. His jaw was clenched and his eyes piercing her.

\- So, how was your dinner last night?

She froze, taken by surprise as a rabbit caught in a car’s flashlights.

\- It was… nice, she answered, trying to sound casual.

\- You’re wondering how I know maybe? he sneered. I just checked Gwen’s Facebook page. Nice pictures. You look like you were enjoying yourself.

\- I did yes.

\- Why didn’t you tell me you were going to this party?

She hadn’t, precisely to avoid that kind of scene. She cursed herself for being so careless about the pictures.

\- I don’t know… I didn’t think of it.

\- Oh really? So you thought, OK, Alex is away so I can go out and flirt with anyone, and behave like a slut!

\- What?! No, Alex, it was nothing like that! It was a work party, nothing more!

He was getting threateningly close to her.

\- Oh yeah, nothing more? Like this John bloke wasn’t there?

\- He was, but…

\- So there we are!

\- But the whole staff was there!

He seized her arm with an iron grip, holding so tight she knew she would have bruises later.

\- Why are you doing this to me Anna? Why are you making me crazy?! You know I hate it when I don’t know where you are! Because I love you! And I bought you a present!

\- I’m sorry Alex…

\- Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have, seeing how you behave when I’m away! And what with that dress you were wearing?! Do you want everyone to think my girlfriend is a whore?!

\- Alex! she shouted, shocked by the insult. She tried to free herself from his hold, but he wouldn’t let go.

\- Is that what you are Anna? Frolicking with any man you see when I’m working my ass away?

\- But I didn’t… she pleaded.

He suddenly pulled on her arm, and forced her on the couch. She closed her eyes as she felt his weight pushing her down to a lying position. Nausea rose into her as his breath blew on her neck and he started slowly undoing the buttons on her blouse. Tears came to her eyes when he whispered in her ear:

\- What? You feel alright showing them to everyone at a party, but not to me, when I’m your boyfriend? I should be able to look at them whenever I want.

\- Please Alex, not now, she tried in a small voice.

\- And why not now? I want you now, you have to make it up to me, he said, his hand going up her thigh underneath her skirt.

She knew there was no escaping it, lest to unleash some more violence. Her insides tightened, and she felt like she was leaving her body, forcing herself away from her physical sensations, just waiting for it to be over.

When he was done, she heard his dangerous voice, as if from far away, although he talked just in her ear:

\- You’re mine Anna. I’m not letting you go. Don’t ever dream of it, or you’ll regret it.

A minute later, the door had slammed on him. She curled up on the couch to a fetal position, and cried herself to sleep, while the dinner she had cooked was getting cold in the kitchen. She spent the whole night on the couch. When Alex came back from the pub, he went straight to bed in their bedroom, not bothering to check on her.

* * *

Her last two weeks working at Downton felt like hell. John kept shooting her worried looks that she pointedly averted. Every time he would try to talk to her, she would answer in monosyllables and dash away as soon as possible pretending to have some urgent task on hand. She couldn’t wait to depart to nursing school, only to get away from the heavy silence growing between them, and to finally be able to try and forget him.

Her last day finally came and went. She bid goodbye to Gwen, Mary, Mrs Hughes, and managed to sneak out while John was busy elsewhere. She was waiting at the bus stop, relieved for it to be finally over, when she heard his characteristic step coming behind her. She sighed.

\- Anna?

\- Yes John? she answered wearily.

\- Look, I totally understand what you said the other day, and I respect it. But I hoped we could at least stay friends? Instead you’ve been avoiding me for the last two weeks… and you left without even saying goodbye?

The hurt on his face broke her heart. She felt ashamed for treating him this way, but she could see no other.

\- I’m sorry John… Do you want to go and have coffee? she suggested, gesturing to the coffee place opposite the bus stop.

Astonished that she would want to have coffee with him when she had barely spoken three words to him in two weeks, he accepted gladly.

When they were both sitting at a small table in the farthest corner of the shop, she sighed, keeping her eyes on her coffee mug. How could she explain things to him, without revealing the extent of her situation? She didn’t want him to worry about her, which he was bound to do if she told him how Alex was treating her. Yet keeping in contact with him was putting her at risk. She had to cut herself from him.

\- Look John, I’m sorry, but we have to stop seeing each other.

\- But why?

\- Alex is very jealous. Now that I’m leaving to nursing school, I have no reason to keep seeing you.

\- Aren’t you allowed to have some friends?

\- Not male ones…

John decided to try a last desperate attempt to retain her. He took her hand in both of his, and looked into her eyes, trying to convey his most sincere feelings to her.

\- Anna… Don’t you think we could do well together?

She didn’t answer for a few seconds, looking down. When she lifted her gaze to him again, her eyes were full of tears.

\- It’s too complicated.

\- But why? Break up with Alex! He’s obviously not treating you well! You deserve better Anna!

\- You don’t understand John. He’s dangerous. He would hurt me. Or you.

\- Why don’t you go to the police?

She couldn’t help a bitter laugh.

\- Yeah, because they’re known for handling that so well… No, that’d be pointless.

He was at a loss for further arguments. On the coffee shop sound system, Mika’s “Happy Ending” started playing.

“ _This is the way you left me, I’m not pretending_

_No hope no love no glory, no happy ending”_

It was his turn to laugh bitterly.

\- Well this is appropriate.

After a silence that seemed endless to him, Anna took her hand back from his hold, and said in a quivering voice:

\- Please, forget me, and be happy.

John’s voice was trembling too as he answered:

\- I couldn’t. Not ever.

\- You should. And you must. I am nothing…

Her plea was the most desperate thing he had ever heard. Tears rolling down her cheeks, she grabbed her purse, and left without looking back.

“ _No hope no love no glory, no happy ending_

_This is the way that we love, like it’s forever_

_Then live the rest of our lives, but not together”_

* * *

John spent several days brooding over this last encounter. He felt he had failed her, and wondered how he could have brought her to realize that she did not deserve staying with that evil man, that she should leave him. If not to be with him, at least for her own sake. She was obviously wasting herself away in this relationship.

On the other hand, Anna kept convincing herself that she had done the right thing, even though every night in her dreams she kept reliving the blissful moment when her lips had met John’s. The following months saw her drowning herself in her training, working herself into exhaustion in order to keep herself from thinking too much. As tiring as her training shifts were, she enjoyed them, and she did well, earning well-deserved praise from her teachers. The nights and the days off were the worst, when she had to put up with Alex, who was as controlling as ever.

She managed not to lose touch with Gwen and Mary. Those were the only two friends that Alex tolerated, and she kept seeing them from time to time. They always tried to innocently place in the discussion how down in the mouth John Bates looked since she had cut him off.

Indeed John Bates was feeling very low. His days felt very lonely and monotonous without his only true friend. Even if he got along quite well with the rest of the staff, save Nurse O'Brien of course, Anna had been the only one he had really opened to. Not one day passed when he did not think of her. He tried to wriggle out some news from Gwen and Mary, but he couldn’t afford to ask too often, so as not to be too obvious. The only thing he could cling to, was the hope that Anna would one day open her eyes and break free from her invisible prison. He would be hoping and waiting for that, because it was the only thought that made her absence bearable. Even if Anna had said no such thing, he longed very dearly for the hypothetical day when she would come back to Downton as a nurse, as Mrs Hughes had so kindly offered on the night of her leaving party. Even if she still didn’t want him, it would be so much easier to be around her, than not to be. Meanwhile, his waking thoughts as well as his dreams were filled with her blue eyes, her golden hair, her bright smile, her oh-so-sweet laugh, her tears…


	8. The Promise

As months passed, the day finally came when John had an appointment with Vera and both their solicitors to settle the divorce in front of the judge. After a grueling battle, they had finally reached an agreement. He had decided to leave her their flat with no compensation, in order to obtain her signature on the agreement.

The audience was painful and quite humiliating, as Vera did her best in front of the judge to make him look like the evil one who had abandoned her. She had even laid her hands on the pictures of Anna’s party on Gwen’s Facebook wall and made them look like he was cheating on her. That was all the more ironic to him, because he knew very well that she was doing much worse on her side, but he had never bothered to collect proofs of her infidelities to wave them under the judge’s nose. Anyway, they eventually got to sign the agreement, and he found himself in the courthouse’s hallway, finally divorced. But Vera didn’t intend to let him go quietly. Making the most shameful scene, she shoved past him, screaming, and slapped him in the face, her ring leaving an angry cut on his left cheekbone.

When he finally found himself alone in the street, he stopped at a nearby bar to have a coffee and take time to collect his thoughts. He felt relieved, and glad that all this was finally over, that this chapter of his life was behind him for good this time. Yet he didn’t feel as joyous as he thought he would be. Indeed, for the last two years almost, he had hoped that when he could at last turn this page, he would be able to start a new one with Anna. But this dream was in a dead end. He suddenly felt an urge to see her, to talk to her, to tell her that the divorce was finally over. He realized that the courthouse was just near York’s Royal University Hospital. It was about 5.45 pm, so Anna would soon be leaving her shift. The foolish idea shot through him to go and try to catch her as she left the hospital. He quickly paid for his coffee and set to walk to the hospital entrance. He took a position between the entrance and the bus stop, and started to scan the comings and goings.

At 6.25, he was starting to lose hope when he suddenly caught sight of her frail figure and her blond hair. His heart started thumping through his chest as though it would burst. She was as beautiful as ever, event though overwork had made her slightly paler and thinner. He limped towards her as she was quickly making her way down the street. When he was a few feet from her, he quietly called out to her:

\- Anna?

She turned round swiftly with a look of utter shock on her face, startled by his unexpected voice. She couldn’t suppress a spontaneous smile, that was soon replaced by an anxious stare, as she started shooting glances around them.

\- John! What the hell are you doing here?!

\- I was just out of the courthouse… for my divorce you know, and I thought that you were working just nearby and I felt like saying hello. I so longed for a glimpse of you…

She looked torn between joy and fear.

\- But Alex is supposed to pick me up! He’ll be here any time!

She scanned the street quickly, and pulled him into the nearby square, where they were hidden by bushes. She looked at him eagerly, as if she was rediscovering his features after so many months.

\- So… that’s it, you are divorced?

\- I am, he answered with a smile.

Noticing the scratch on his cheek, she touched it gently.

\- How did it go? she asked in a concerned tone.

He put his hand on her wrist next to his face before answering wearily:

\- It was worse than you can possibly imagine…

\- Well, at least, you are free now.

\- Yes, I suppose I am. And very glad to be. What about you, he asked, still holding her hand. How have you been lately?

\- Oh, well, you know… Training.

\- Is it going well? Do you like it?

\- Yes, I do, even if it’s challenging.

\- How long is it until you graduate?

\- Four months still.

\- Alright. I’ll be glad if you let me know. You look well, if a bit overworked, he added, looking at her at arm’s length.

He fought the urge to hold her tight against his chest and kiss her fiercely with all his heart.

\- Thank you, she answered with a shy smile.

\- I’ve been missing you, you know. Awfully. I’ve lived in such a fog of misery since you left.

She looked down, her cheeks flushing red.

\- Me too, she whispered without looking at him.

\- You know that I’m still holding to what I told you before you left.

There was a few second’s silence before she answered, still looking down.

\- I know. And I’m glad that you do.

She came close to him, to leave a light kiss on his cheek, just below Vera’s cut, and murmured in his ear:

\- I’m sorry, I have to go. Goodbye John. Thank you for being so patient.

And she turned around and left.

He stood there for a while, trying to get his head wrapped around what she had just said. Her words where no promises, but still… “I’m glad that you do”, “Thank you for being so patient”… One couldn’t deny that those were meaningful words… Was there some hope still? Of course he wanted to believe so, but was he not making too much out of those two sentences? He took a deep breath, as if emerging from underwater, and tried to collect himself as he started to make his way home.

Later that evening, as Alex had once again dashed out to the pub, Anna found herself alone on the couch, watching some TV but taking none of it in. This unplanned meeting with John had unsettled her. The more she thought of it, the more it looked like a sign to her. During the last months, the idea of leaving Alex had slowly but steadily build its way into her mind. She had come to realize that there was nothing good for her in this relationship, past the declarations of love that were never put into acts, and the apologies that followed every violent outburst. The only things that made her stay were fear, an ill-place sense of owing something to Alex, and her lack of personal income. Until she graduated and found a job, she found herself financially tied to Alex. Leaving now would mean having to ask for charity from her friends, and she could not ask for that for several months in a row. So she had come to decide that she would really consider leaving as soon as she could provide for herself. She would accept any job when she qualified, so that she could save, and go.

The joy that had flooded her a few hours earlier when she had so unexpectedly turned around to John’s soft voice, had made her acknowledge that however hard she had tried to forget him in the past months, she had totally failed. Those few stolen minutes, the words he’d spoken to her had made her feel better than she had in over a year. Finding out that he had not forgotten her either, that he was, of his own admission, still in love with her, strengthened her resolution to finally break free. As she was thinking over all this, she heard the familiar tone of a Whatsapp conversation that had not been used for the last fourteen months. She smiled when she grabbed her phone and reopened the “JB” thread:

***Bruno Mars – Talking to the moon**

[ **https://youtu.be/s3XGBjclCSQ*** ](https://youtu.be/s3XGBjclCSQ)

“ _I know you’re somewhere out there, somewhere far away_

_I want you back_

_My neighbors think I’m crazy, they don’t understand_

_You’re all I have_

_At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself_

_Talking to the moon, tryin’ to get to you_

_In hopes you’re on the other side talking to me too_

_Or am I a fool, who sits alone, talking to the moon_

_Do you ever hear me calling”_

***Am I a fool?***

She clicked on the link, and listened to the song, while pondering what she would answer. The sadness of the lyrics brought some tears to her eyes, but a smile crept on her lips knowing that John felt that way about her. “You’re all I have”… She wanted him to know that she felt that too, but without getting his hopes too high. She started typing an answer:

***You’re not…***

***I’m on the other side, talking to you too.***

On his own couch, miles away, John felt a lump form in his throat as he read her answer. Oh Lord, could this really be happening?

***It’s been so good seeing you today***

***For me too.***

***But right now, things are no different**

**than they were a year ago.**

**Nothing has changed.***

His hopes were quite dashed by this last message. He sighed.

***Yet***

His smile came back as fast as it had disappeared. He had never felt happier for a simple three-letters word.

***I understand. As I told you before,**

**I’ll be waiting.**

**Call me when you need me.***

The last thing he wanted was to put pressure on her. God knew she had to put up with enough of that already.

***I will. Thank you John.**

**Goodnight. Xxx***

***Tracy Chapman – The Promise**

[ **https://youtu.be/NEUl6t8oZXg*** ](https://youtu.be/NEUl6t8oZXg)

John had never hear that song, so he clicked and listened intently to it. Tears came to his eyes at the quiet beauty of the words and the melody.

“ _If you wait for me, then I’ll come for you_

_Although I’ve traveled far_

_I always hold a place for you in my heart_

_If you think of me, if you miss me once in a while_

_Then I’ll return to you_

_I’ll return and fill that space in your heart_

_Remembering your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace_

_I’ll find my way back to you,_

_If you’ll be waiting_

_If you dream of me, like I dream of you_

_In a place that’s warm and dark_

_In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart_

_Remembering your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace_

_I’ll find my way back to you,_

_If you’ll be waiting_

_Together again, it would feel so good to be in your arms_

_Where all my journeys end_

_If you can make a promise, if it’s one that you can keep_

_I vow to come for you, if you wait for me_

_And say you’ll hold a place for me in your heart”_

***I didn’t know this song, it is so beautiful**

**And it makes me so happy**

**Goodnight Anna**

**I will sleep better tonight than I have for months***

They both went to sleep that night with a warm glow in their chest, and a light smile on their lips.

* * *

Four months later, Anna graduated as a nurse with high marks and praise from all of her teachers. As soon as she knew, Mary invited her over at her place to celebrate with Gwen. Before going, Anna called Alex who wasn’t home yet from work, in order to avoid a jealousy scene later.

\- Hey Alex? Yes it’s me. I’m going to Mary’s tonight, to celebrate my graduation, are you okay with it? … Yes, it’s just me, Mary and Gwen, and we’re staying at Mary's place, no worry. … Ok, fine. See you later.

She hung up and went to the bathroom to get ready. While doing her hair, she remembered that John had asked her to let him know when she completed her training. She picked up her phone again, and opened the Whatsapp conversation:

***Hey there, Nurse Smith speaking!***

She had time to finish her hair and make-up before hearing the notification.

***That’s it then? You’re done?***

***Yep!***

***Congrats! I’m so proud of you Anna!***

***Thanks! I would’ve never made it without your help!***

***You worked so hard, you deserved it!**

**Well done!***

***Unfortunately, there’s not position available**

**at Downton right now, but Mrs Hughes**

**told me she’ll keep me informed.***

***Fingers crossed then.***

***;)***

***So, I gotta go. See you**

**Good evening John.***

***Good evening Anna.**

**Thank you for letting me know.***

She smiled as she went to her bedroom and started changing. She then took a bus to Mary’s place. Her two friends welcomed her with cheers and hugs. They settled in Mary’s sitting room with wine glasses and snacks. Mary had sent her husband Matthew upstairs to put their young son George to bed.

\- You’ve trained him quite well! commented Anna, laughing.

\- Yes, yes, I’m quite satisfied, smirked Mary.

\- So, girls, said Gwen, raising her glass. To Anna, the new nurse!

They all raised their glass to her toast.

\- How’s Alex reacting? asked Gwen.

\- Well since I told him yesterday evening, he pretty much ignored me.

\- Oh, I see, Sir Alex doesn’t like it when his girlfriend succeeds in something on her own… frowned Mary

\- God what a jerk, added Gwen. Tell me again Anna, why don’t you ditch the guy?

\- Well, actually… she started hesitantly.

\- Yes? asked Mary in a hopeful tone.

Anna sighed and continued:

\- I’m thinking of leaving him.

\- Whoohoo, reacted Gwen, raising her glass again. That’s another thing to celebrate! Are you serious though?

\- Yes. It’s taken me a long time to make the decision, but I’m done. I recognize now that he is sometimes abusive.

\- Sometimes?! cut Mary, almost spitting her mouthful of wine. Are you kidding? He is abusive, period. So when are you leaving? Do you need help from us?

\- I need a little time. I haven’t got one pound in my pocket right now. I found a job, I need to save a little so that I can afford a rent on my own…

\- You can crash at my place if you need, said Gwen.

\- Thanks Gwen, that’s so nice of you, but I don’t want to be a burden. I’ve been with the guy for years, I can hold on a few weeks more.

\- If you say so.

\- I’m thinking of something, said Mary seriously. Do you have your own bank account?

\- No, we have a joint account, why? asked Anna, puzzled.

\- Well, tomorrow you’re going to your bank, and you ask them to open a personal account. Because, mark my words, when he gets that you want to leave, he won’t let you have your own money.

\- You really think he would go that far?

\- I’m sure, he will do anything to prevent you from leaving. Take my advice, go to the bank.

\- Alright, you’re right I will. Thank you because I would never have thought of it.

\- What’s that job you found? asked Gwen.

\- It’s in an old people’s retirement home.

\- Urgh, commented Mary, that’s enticing.

\- Hey, I have to start somewhere. Those places are always short on staff, and they’re paying, so…

\- There was no opening at Downton?

\- No, I phoned Mrs Hughes, she said she’ll call me back as soon as something comes up. Meanwhile, well I’m taking whatever I can find.

\- If only O’Brien could go away, said Gwen dreamily.

\- Oooh, that’d be heaven, added Mary.

\- Hey, you didn’t tell me about the girl who took my place, how is she?

\- Oh, she’s nice, said Gwen. Her name’s Phyllis Baxter.

\- Nice, but not very talkative… Anyway, she’s discreet, and minds her own business which is more than we can say about O’Brien, sneered Mary.

\- I know someone who would be thrilled if you came back… AND, if you left Alex, grinned Gwen.

\- Yeah, don’t tell me, I know who you mean… said Anna.

\- Is this why you decided to leave Alex? asked Mary. Because of Bates?

Anna thought about it for a moment.

\- I don’t know… I think the way he talked to me and behaved with me made me realize that Alex’s behavior was not the norm. He showed me that another kind of relationship was possible, and that I could hope for something better. So that helped me make my decision in a way. But I had to make my own path, and I think I would’ve got there anyway. Maybe later though.

\- Do you love him? asked Gwen eagerly.

\- Gwen! protested Anna blushing. I haven’t even had this conversation with him, so do you mind if I don’t have it with you?!

\- Alright… pouted the red-headed girl, disappointed.

\- Let’s say for now that he’s a very good friend.

\- Yeah right… muttered Mary under her breath, causing her and Gwen to chuckle in understanding.

Later, while she was riding the evening bus home, Anna thought again about Gwen’s question. Did she love John? Smiling to herself, she had to admit it. Oh yes, she loved him. She was totally and desperately in love with him. It had taken her a long time to acknowledge the fact, but now she knew. And while she discovered the depth of her feelings for John, she also realized that she had never loved Alex. She couldn’t wait to gather enough money to take her leave. She could have taken Gwen’s offer and crash on her couch that very night, but she knew that her friend was not so wealthy herself, that her flat was very small. And above all, her own pride demanded that she managed to break free by her own means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you never heard Tracy Chapman's song, go listen to it, it is so very beautiful!


	9. The call

In the following weeks, Anna found her new job to be really excruciating. The retirement home was critically under-staffed, so the amount of work was tremendous. As a beginning nurse with no experience, she often made mistakes and lost time, and the other members of staff had no time to help her. Some days she felt she was barely holding on. When she got home in the evening, it was all she could do to craft dinner before falling asleep on the couch. She felt it was more and more difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. She had never felt that exhausted before. Of course Alex didn’t make it easier as he complained every day that the chores were not done properly, or that she was not available to him whenever he wanted.

She managed to hold on for about three months, at which point she started worrying because not only were things not improving, but she even started feeling nauseous in the mornings. She overlooked it for a few days, putting it on the anxiety she was feeling about the incoming day’s work. But when it did not stop on her days off when she should have felt less anxious, she became really nervous. Her next day off was a Saturday. Alex had run off on a motorbike tour with some friends. She lay curled up on the couch under a blanket, trying to sip in a mug of tea without running to the bathroom to give it back. When she finally managed to get up and get dressed, she went down the street to the nearby pharmacy.

Half an hour later, Anna was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, stunned, staring blankly at the positive pregnancy test she was holding in her hand. It finally fell off her hand, and she put her head on her hands while resting her elbows on her knees. Panic was flooding her and tears started rolling down her cheeks. Why was this happening to her, and now of all times? She hadn’t even missed her last period. She was taking a birth control pill, and she was positive that she hadn’t forgotten any in the last three months. Anger rose through her over the unfairness of the situation, and she suddenly banged her fist on the nearby furniture, out of frustration. Couldn’t bad luck ever leave her alone! How could she deal with a pregnancy now, just when she was preparing to leave Alex… Should she even tell him? And what about John? Oh God she would never be able to look him in the eyes again… She thought the only people in the world she could confide into right now where Gwen and Mary.

She texted them on Whatsapp:

***I need to see you both ASAP.**

**Urgent matter. When can we meet?***

Mary answered a few minutes later:

Mary Crawley

***Sorry I’m at my parents’ all day. Is tomorrow OK,**

**or is it really that urgent?***

***No, tomorrow’s ok***

Gwen Dawson

***Tomorrow at 10**

**Brunch at my place?***

***OK***

Mary Crawley

***OK***

Gwen Dawson

***U alright Anna?***

***Yeah. I’ll tell you tomorrow.***

She spent the day in a sort of daze, unable to focus her thoughts for more that a few seconds straight. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream out loud, to curl into a ball under her blanket, and above all she wanted to run out to John, nestle into his arms and listen to him telling her that everything would be fine. Obviously the last option was out of question. She would never bear the shame of going to the man she loved so deeply, and tell him that she had just got pregnant with the man she was about to leave. She also feared Alex’s reaction if she told him. He had never mentioned anything to her about having kids, and she believed he would not particularly welcome any change that would make her any less available to him and his own needs.

She had cried herself to sleep when Alex came home that night from his day out. She suddenly woke up to the feeling of his hands creeping underneath her clothes and trying to undress her. She jerked awake and ran for the bathroom where she threw up what little food she had managed to eat in the day. Was the sickness due to the pregnancy or to Alex’s behavior she couldn’t tell, but she was grateful that it provided her a very acceptable excuse to put him off for once. She came back to the bed and curled up under the blanket:

\- Sorry Alex, I’ve been ill all day, you should stay clear if you don’t want to catch it…

\- Oh… Alright, yeah, maybe I’ll go sleep in the spare room then.

\- Good idea.

Yes, that sudden sickness really was convenient. She could at least try to sleep in peace.

When she got up next morning, she noticed that Alex had gone out again, without leaving any mention of where he was or when he’d be back. To hell with him, she thought, and started getting ready to join Mary and Gwen.

Gwen had prepared a nice brunch, but the smell of scrambled eggs and sausages just made Anna feel sick again.

\- So, started Mary, in her usual down-to-earth tone, what was that urgent matter you needed us for?

Anna looked down in her mug of tea, as she felt a large lump forming in her throat. Telling it to someone else somehow made the problem very much real… She sighed and started:

\- Girls… I’m in major trouble… And I really don’t know what to do.

After waiting for the rest of the information for a few seconds, Gwen pressed her:

\- So? What is it? Come on, spit it out!

Noticing her friend’s deep embarrassment, Mary hinted:

\- Anna Smith, don’t tell me you’ve gotten yourself pregnant!

Anna nodded and started sobbing, hiding her face in her hands. Gwen choked on her pancake:

\- Nooooo! Anna?! You’re kidding right? Oh Lord you’re serious…

Gwen and Mary exchanged a desperate look. After letting her cry out for a moment, Mary gently put her hand on Anna’s wrist, and asked:

\- But how did this happen? Weren’t you using some kind of birth control?

\- Of course I was! I was on the pill! And no, I didn’t forget any! I’m sure I didn’t! she said forcefully.

Mary sighed:

\- Ah well, you know what they say… None is 100% reliable.

\- Oh crap… added Gwen.

\- Why me? Why now for heaven’s sake! lamented Anna.

\- Yes, tell me about a weird sense of timing…

\- Life’s never simple is it… sighed Anna, wiping her tears.

\- Have you told Alex? asked Gwen.

\- Not yet. I only just found out yesterday.

\- What do you want to do?

\- That’s the thing, I don’t know! I haven’t been able to think straight all of yesterday. I’m out of my mind…

Mary put down her tea mug and delicately dabbed her lips with her towel.

\- Well I’m sorry if I sound heartless or anything, but don’t you think the wisest thing would be not to tell him anything and terminate this pregnancy as soon as possible?

Anna closed her eyes and rubbed her fingertips on her eyelids.

\- Of course that would be. But the wisest thing is not necessarily the easiest thing.

\- I’m not saying that. But what’s the alternative? Telling him you’re carrying his child but you don’t want to keep it? Having his child and stay with him?

\- Lord no, I can’t stay with him, he’ll drive me crazy.

\- Then having his child means that he will have a right to keep in contact with you for the next twenty years…

Anna winced at that thought. Gwen added:

\- And what about John? Do you intend to go and tell him “alright I’m in love with you but I’m having my ex’s kid, hope you’re ok with that”? Do you think he’ll fancy the situation?

Anna blushed:

\- I could never tell him that… I’d be so ashamed…

\- Well that’s it, concluded Mary. What else can you do?

\- I know… Oh God I never thought I’d have to do that…

After a few minutes silence, Gwen looked at her, somewhat puzzled:

\- I’m sorry Anna, but there’s something I don’t get. You are preparing to leave Alex. And whatever you tell us you are obviously in love with John Bates. So… why would you still want to have sex with Alex?!

Anna looked down, quite embarrassed at that question, and answered in a barely audible voice:

\- Do you think I have much choice in the matter…

Gwen startled at her answer and put her hand on Anna’s:

\- Are you telling us that he’s forcing you?

\- He’s still my boyfriend! How can I refuse him day after day?

\- Anna, darling, cut Mary in serious tone, you do know how we call it when one person is coerced into sex and doesn’t have the choice to say no?

Anna looked up to her, shocked by what she was implying:

\- What? No, Mary, come on, it’s not like that…

\- Oh yes? How is it then, tell me? You just said yourself that you didn’t have much choice in the matter! Those are your words, aren’t they?

Anna looked at her blankly for a moment. Realization slowly crept into her, and she suddenly felt sick again.

\- Excuse me, she whispered before fleeing to the bathroom.

Left alone, Gwen and Mary looked at each other, frowning:

\- Shit, what a mess, sighed Gwen.

\- Tell me about it. If she goes for termination, maybe one of us should go with her to the appointments. She’ll need the support.

\- Yeah, you’re right.

As Anna came back from the bathroom, Gwen took her hand and led her towards the couch. She sat down and opened her arms, gesturing for Anna to come close to her.

\- Come on Anna, come cuddle.

Anna sat down next to her friend and rested her head on Gwen’s shoulder. She stayed there for a moment, silently weeping. After a while, she straightened, wiped her face, and sighed:

\- I’m so sorry girls, I’m making quite the show. It’s just… it’s hard on a Sunday morning to realize that your boyfriend’s been raping you all along. God I can’t believe I wasted almost ten years of my life with him…

\- I’m sorry Anna, said Mary, I’m sorry if my words sounded harsh. I didn’t mean to hurt you but I think it was important that you came to terms with what he’s doing to you.

\- No, no, you’re right. Still it’s hard. I thought I loved him. And I thought he loved me. He kept telling me he did, but I just don’t think he knows what it is to love someone. His way of loving is more like “owning”. But I know now that I’m not a thing he can own. Not anymore.

Mary smiled at her and squeezed her hand.

\- So? What about the pregnancy?

\- I guess you’re both right. There’s no way I can manage this situation. I’ll call the clinic tomorrow and make an appointment. I don’t really want to, but I see no other way out of this shit.

\- I’ll come with you, suggested Gwen.

Anna smiled sadly at her.

\- Thanks. You’re the best of friends, you too, you know that? But please, she added, don’t tell a word to John when you see him at Downton. I’ll have to tell him, but later, when it’s over.

\- Alright, sure, no problem, answered the two girls.

* * *

A week later, John was coming back from his lunch break on his usual bench in Downton’s park. He had kept that habit, whenever the weather was good enough, to eat out there, in memory of all the good days when he had shared the bench with Anna. He now ate on his own. He had not heard from Anna since her last messages announcing her graduation. He would have liked to have news, to ask her how she was coping with her new job. But they had agreed that she would be the one to get in touch, so he just waited. He was confident that their time would come. He just wished it came sooner. Walking down the hallway in Downton’s unit, he passed in front of Mary’s office, whose door was ajar. He heard Mary and Gwen chatting inside.

\- Did you hear from Anna? asked Mary

\- Yes, she texted me, she made an appointment next Tuesday.

\- I still can’t believe she got pregnant now. Tell me about bad timing.

John, who was passing by without the intention of eavesdropping, froze in his tracks. All air seemed to have left his lungs. Had he hear right?

\- Yeah, I think she deserves the award for the worst timing of all times, continued Gwen. Anyway, I’m going with her since I’m off on Tuesday.

John quickly went away, not wanting them to discover him listening to their conversation. His heart was racing and he could feel cold sweat on his brow. Could he have been mistaken? Maybe they knew another Anna? Stupid man, he scolded himself, of course they were talking about his Anna. Oh Lord… Had she changed her mind about leaving her boyfriend? He felt like a robot managing his duties until the evening. His co-workers wondered why he was so unusually distracted and silent. When he finally got home that evening, he could not think about anything else. And of course he could discuss the news with no one since he wasn’t even supposed to know about it…

* * *

The next Tuesday, Gwen and Anna met outside the clinic just before the appointment. Anna looked tense and nervous.

\- How are you feeling, asked her friend, putting a sympathetic hand on her arm.

\- Not good. I so don’t want to be there. But I have no choice. I’m sick of having no choice.

\- I know love. I’m really sorry you have to face that. This is so unfair.

Anna sighed.

\- Well, anyway, let’s go. It’s nearly time, she said with a dark look on her face.

Twenty minutes later, Anna and Gwen were sitting in the doctor’s office. When Anna had explained her request, the doctor asked:

\- Do you know how far along you are, approximately?

\- That’s the thing, I don’t! I had my last period about three weeks ago, so that doesn’t make any sense. But I’ve been exhausted for several weeks, and now I have had morning sickness for two weeks.

-Alright, then we’ll have to do a sonogram in order to assess the pregnancy’s age. Would you follow me, Miss Smith.

When Anna was settled for the sonogram, and the doctor had put the device on, she asked:

\- Do you want me to show you the pictures or not?

Anna hesitated a moment, then whispered:

-Please, no.

She felt that if she saw something that looked remotely like a baby she would never be able to carry on. The doctor went on with the exam, took measurements, then concluded:

\- Alright, Miss Smith, you are twelve weeks pregnant. That’s almost three months.

Anna gasped in shock:

\- Three months?! But how is that even possible?! I didn’t miss any period!

\- You told me you were on a birth control pill? Sometimes those pills can provoke something that looks like “fake period” event though a pregnancy is going on.

\- Oh Lord…

They went back to the desk. When Anna was seated, Gwen squeezed her hand in sympathy. The doctor folded her hands on the desk and asked:

\- So, Miss Smith. What do you intend to do with this pregnancy?

Anna closed her eyes, battling the tears that were threatening to spill out.

\- I have to terminate.

\- Have you discussed it with your partner?

\- No. I haven’t. We are in the midst of breaking up.

\- I see. But even though, don’t you think he deserves to know about that? It’s his child too after all?

\- No, believe me he doesn’t deserve, exclaimed Gwen.

\- I’m afraid that’s not for you to say, Miss, frowned the doctor.

\- Her partner is an abusive jerk! Gwen went on heatedly.

\- Gwen, please! hissed Anna, alarmed.

\- Oh, said the doctor, turning back to look at Anna. Is this true Miss Smith? Are you victim of domestic abuse?

Anna looked down and flushed.

\- Yes, I am, she muttered. But I’m in the process of leaving, and that is exactly why I can’t keep this pregnancy!

\- Alright, I understand.

\- Believe me this is not what I want to do. I had no idea the pregnancy was so far along. But I have to.

\- It is your decision to make. I can give you an appointment for termination next week. You’ll have to stay the whole day at the clinic.

\- Alright, sighed Anna.

\- And, if I may suggest, she added handing her a card, this is the card of our social worker. If you want to meet her, she can inform you on what help you can get to get away.

Anna looked blankly at the card. So that was it. She was that woman. That victim, to be pitied, and handed a social worker’s card. She hated herself for becoming that woman. While she kept looking at her knees, Gwen took the card and said:

\- Thank you doctor.

When they had left the doctor’s office, having secured the appointment for the following week, Gwen took Anna to a tea shop to give her time to talk it over. Toying with her tea mug, Anna kept sniffing and wiping her cheeks.

\- You know, when I was young, I always pictured being pregnant as a happy thing. I saw myself in love, hoping, then sharing the news with my husband or partner or whatever, and we would cheer together, and we’d be happy. It was nothing like that! Now I’m being given a social worker’s card for God’s sake!

\- Yeah, life sucks sometimes, nodded Gwen.

\- It really does! exclaimed Anna, furiously wiping her eyes. I’m really sick of all this shit.

\- But hey, maybe that scene you describe is waiting for you down the road. You know, with another man, hinted Gwen with a knowing smile.

Anna couldn’t help but smile too at that thought.

\- Yeah. If he still wants me after all.

\- I’m pretty sure he does.

\- Come on, let’s go home. I’m wasted. I’ve got to get some sleep if I want to face work tomorrow.

* * *

For days, John had been brooding over what he had overheard in Mary’s office. He had trouble getting his head wrapped around the fact. Anna was pregnant. When she had seriously hinted only a few weeks earlier that she was still interested in him. He felt completely lost as to what to believe. From what Mary had said about bad timing, he assumed that the pregnancy had been unplanned. Just that thought made him fell slightly better, because if it had been planned, it would have shattered all his hopes away. But what was she going to do now? Would she stay with her boyfriend and have his child? And what if she left Alex, and came to him instead, asking him to take her and the child? What if Anna, the woman he loved above all, came with family? It was a big thing to take over another man’s child. Especially from that evil man who mistreated her. But then the child was not responsible for its father’s deeds. Raising another man’s child… Was he ready to do that, for Anna’s sake? He couldn’t deny that he would prefer one of his own… Then again, if the alternative was between having Anna and her child, or not having Anna at all… well they would have to make the best of what they had… Maybe she would just go for an abortion. It did seem like the most logical solution. But that was never an easy thing for a woman. Oh God how it hurt to think of her having to go through all this on her own and not being able to do anything to help her. He couldn’t even talk to her, comfort her or support her. He had no say in the matter. He felt so helpless and useless.

* * *

All day after the clinic appointment, the doctor’s words had turned into Anna’s head. “Doesn’t he deserve to know about that? After all, it is his child too.” Did he? Should she tell Alex? It would probably make things even more complicated for her. But she had still in her a bit of ill-placed loyalty to Alex that compelled her to tell him the truth. Gwen and Mary would scold her for doing it, but she felt she had to. That night when Alex came back from work, she took a deep breath and went for it.

\- Alex?

\- Yeah?

\- There’s something I need to tell you.

\- Hmmm? he said distractedly while he was putting the TV on.

\- I’m pregnant.

\- What? But… weren’t you on the pill?

\- Yes I was. Seems it bugged.

\- So… What are you gonna do? Do you want to keep it or what?

\- I don’t know…

\- Well I’m not paying for daycare, that’s for sure.

And with that he went to the kitchen to fetch himself a beer. Anna stood stunned by the lack of support and of any emotional implication on his part. Alright, so it seemed he didn’t care at all if she chose to have his child or not, as long as he didn’t have to pay… That was classy. She served dinner and excused herself to the bedroom, pretending she was not hungry. She needed to get away from him.

In the following days, Alex didn’t mention the topic anymore. It seemed he didn’t feel concerned at all by the matter. If possible his lack of reaction confused her even more. If he really didn’t care at all, maybe she could leave with the baby and he wouldn’t go after her? The more the day of the termination appointment came close, the more she felt terrible about it. A protective instinct had grown inside her that made it awfully difficult to acknowledge that termination was indeed the right thing to do. She felt like running away with the baby to protect it from its abusive father. But when he saw that she was leaving, wouldn’t Alex go out of his way and pretend to care about the child only to make her life more difficult? She wouldn’t put it past him to do that kind of thing. Maybe the best way to protect this child from its father was precisely not to have it. Then she thought again about John. How could she ask him to begin a relationship with another man’s child between them? Oh Lord this was a nightmare… She came to think that things would be easier if she could just miscarry. Then the decision would not be hers to make… Alone in the dark bedroom, she started talking to the unborn child. “I’m so sorry little one. I love you and I would really really like to have you. But things are really too complicated for me right now. I couldn’t give you what you deserve. I hope you can forgive me. And I hope in time I can forgive myself”.

* * *

It was nearly midnight when Anna woke up to a sharp pain in her lower belly. She got up and went to the bathroom to get a painkiller, and filled a hot water bag to lay on her abdomen. She then went back to bed, trying to concentrate on her breathing in order to go back to sleep. But in the next half hour, the pain only got worse, and she suddenly felt that she started bleeding. She reached to Alex and tried to shake him awake.

\- Alex! Alex! she called urgently.

He didn’t move. She shook him harder.

\- What… he moaned, half asleep.

\- Please, could you drive me to the hospital, I’m bleeding, and I’m in pain!

\- Oh crap… come on Anna, can’t you wait till the morning? I’m sleeping, I have to work tomorrow!

\- No I bloody well can’t! she argued before whimpering in pain. And I’m supposed to work tomorrow too you know!

Alex sighed heavily and reluctantly got up and started to look for his clothes.

They took the twenty minutes drive to the hospital in complete silence. Anna was curled up on the passenger’s seat, trying to manage the pain without throwing up. Not once did Alex inquire about her or offer a sympathetic word. When he had stopped in front of the A&E entrance, he said:

\- There you are.

He made no move to get of the car. Anna looked at him, bewildered.

\- That’s it? You’re not coming with me?

\- No. I have to get some sleep. I have an important meeting tomorrow morning.

Anna couldn’t quite believe her ears. She slowly turned away from him, got out of the car, and started walking towards the door, bent over with the pain. Alex drove away without even waiting for her to disappear into the building. He did not see her fainting and collapsing right in front of the door. Fortunately some A&E staff who were taking a cigarette break outside managed to catch her before she crumbled to the floor.

The rest of the night passed in a sort of daze for Anna. She was quickly taken into care. Her clothes were taken off and she was put into a hospital gown. Her vital signs were checked, an IV line put on her, stronger painkillers injected. A doctor came in and performed a sonogram. After studying her belly for a few minutes, he turned to her and announced:

\- I’m sorry Miss Smith, but you are having a miscarriage. The fetus's heart is no longer beating and the expulsion process has started. It will probably last a few hours, so we are going to keep you under observation until it is over. You will soon be taken to the gynecology ward. She started sobbing, and the doctor, embarrassed, awkwardly squeezed her hand.

\- I’m sorry Miss. I guess there is no good way to tell that kind of news, and no easy way to receive it. Are you alone? he asked, scanning the hallway for a potential spouse. Is your partner around?

She shook her head, still sobbing.

\- No, I have no partner.

\- Oh. Sorry. Well, you will be moved to a room soon. The painkillers should start to be effective in about fifteen minutes. Hang on.

\- Thank you.

\- Goodbye Miss Smith.

* * *

At 7.30 am on his day off, John Bates was slowly waking up at home, when his phone started ringing. It seldom did, and he didn’t recognize the incoming number. He picked up, hoping it was not some tiresome salesperson.

\- Hello?

\- Hello sir, are you John Bates?

\- Himself.

\- I am Nurse Wilkins from York’s Royal University Hospital. I am calling to inform you that Miss Anna Smith will be discharged this morning from the gynecology ward, and you can come collect her from about 9 o'clock.

John gaped, at a loss for words.

\- Sir? called the nurse.

\- Er, yes, sorry, I don’t understand.

\- Miss Smith has spent the night in our unit, and she will be discharge this morning. I asked her who I could call to come pick her up, and she gave me your name and number. Is this alright with you?

John’s brain was buzzing with information. He stuttered:

\- Hmm, yes, sure, OK. Gynecology ward you say? Alright, I’m coming.

\- Thank you. Goodbye M. Bates.

And she hung up. John stood motionless on the edge of his bed for several minutes, trying to process what had just happened. Anna had called for him. Then he lingered on the fact that she had spent the night in the hospital, and he worried for her, hoping it was not too serious. Surely it had something to do with her pregnancy… Anyway. She had called for him, so he got up, and started getting dressed.

Little did he know that trip to the hospital would change his life forever.

* * *

At 8.30, John was sitting in the armchair in Anna’s room, watching her sleep. His chest tightened at how exhausted she looked. When he had entered the room, he had fought the urge to go and take her in his arms, because he didn’t want to wake her up. So she he had silently sat in the armchair and started waiting.

She finally started stirring. Her eyes still closed, she moaned and moved her hand to press on her lower belly. Her eyes started flickering open, and she looked at her surroundings, until her gaze came across John’s large figure sitting in the armchair. She startled, and put herself up on her elbow. Looking utterly stunned, she muttered:

\- John? But… what the hell are you doing here?

\- I was rather hoping that you would explain that to me… he answered with a bemused smile.

\- What?

She looked completely lost.

\- A nurse called me this morning, telling me that Miss Smith was being discharged from the hospital, and that she had asked for me to come and collect her.

Anna looked even more confused at his explanation.

\- Really?! Shit, I did that? I must have been high on morphine, because I don’t remember having said that at all!

John frowned, and hesitantly asked:

\- So… are you not glad to see me? Do you want me to leave?

\- No! No! Of course not! she answered heatedly. It was so kind of you so come at such short notice. I can never thank you enough.

\- Well, you know, like I said, “call me when you need me”. You needed me, you called, I came. It’s as simple as that.

\- But still. Thank you so much for coming.

She sat herself on the edge of the bed, wincing as she moved. She held out her hand in his direction. He smiled and took it, then slowly brought it to his mouth, where he softly kissed its back.

\- I am so very glad that you called me.

\- I am so very glad that you came.

She looked down and sighed.

\- I guess I have some explaining to do now.

John put his hand under her chin and gently made her look up until they were eyes to eyes.

\- I know. I know what happened. Well, at least, part of it. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t, but I overheard Mary and Gwen talking about you at Downton.

\- Oh man, those girls! I told them to be discreet!

\- Sorry… Anyway, I heard them saying that you were pregnant.

\- Yeah. I was. Then last night… Well anyway now I’m not.

\- Oh. I’m so sorry Anna.

They sat in silence for a few moments, until she looked up at him again, with a pleading look in her tears-filled eyes.

\- It was an accident you know? I never wanted to get pregnant from Alex! Since I started working I’ve been saving money to leave him. As a matter of fact, I had an appointment tomorrow for an abortion. I knew it was the only way out. You believe me, do you?

\- Of course I do!

\- I actually wished for this to happen, just yesterday… I should feel relieved really. I never wanted this pregnancy in the first place.

Tears started to flow on her cheeks.

\- So I don’t understand why it hurts so much, why I feel so bad, so… empty. Like a hollow shell…

As she sobbed more and more, John got up and came to sit next to her on the bed, and took her in his arms.

\- There, there.

He waited for her to calm down a little bit, then spoke:

\- You know, sometimes heart and reason do not agree. Even if you head understands that it’s better this way, your heart hurts. Maybe some would call that maternal instinct. Anyway, I think you should allow your heart to mourn the loss of this baby, even if you didn’t want it in the first place, and even if you know it is for the best.

\- You’re probably right, she said, sniffing. Thank you for those words. You don’t know how comforting they are.

At this moment, the nurse knocked and came into the room.

\- Hello Miss Smith. I see that you are awake. How are you feeling?

\- Worn out.

\- That doesn’t surprise me.

She then turned to acknowledge John’ presence:

\- You must be Miss Smith’s partner. I am sorry for your loss.

John smiled and answered:

\- No. I am not her partner. And I have not lost anything. On the contrary, I have gained a great deal today.

The nurse looked confused. Anna took John’s hand and looked at him, shyly smiling:

\- Yes, he is my partner now.

The nurse’s confusion kept growing. They both laughed, and John said:

\- Don’t worry. Complicated story. Don’t mind us.

\- Alright, well, anyway, shrugged the nurse. The doctor has given his approval to release you. You can leave. Before you go, please go see our secretary to make a control appointment in about two weeks.

\- Alright, I will, thank you Nurse, answered Anna.

\- Well I’ll leave you to it, said the nurse while leaving the room.

Anna stood up and looked around for her clothes.

\- Well, I think I should get dressed.

A few minutes later, she exited the bathroom, wearing her clothes from the previous night. As she started gathering her belongings, John asked:

\- Anna? Were you serious before? About me being your partner now?

She stopped and came to face him. She smiled as she said confidently:

\- Yes, I am. I am leaving Alex’s flat today. I’m done with him. Do you know that yesterday evening, he dropped me off in front of the A&E and left right away, without even making sure I got inside OK? I fainted outside the door for God’s sake, I would’ve hurt my head badly if it wasn’t for the staff who were smoking outside and caught me. And now, he hasn’t even called nor texted to ask for news! I could be dead for all he knows, and he doesn’t seem to give a damn! Man I should have done that months ago. Years ago!

\- Don’t dwell on that. You’re doing it now, that is what counts. So, where do you want me to drive you? I would happily bring you back to my place, but I’m guessing you are not ready for that.

Anna smiled. How could she be so lucky as to have met such a considerate man. Those were such rarities.

\- No, You’re right, I’m not. I’m afraid we are going to have to take it slowly. I hope you don’t mind.

\- I’ll be patient, and bear anything. Except for you to go away again, he answered, hugging her close.

She responded to his hug, circling his waist with her arms, and resting her head on his chest.

\- No, I’m done with that. You’re stuck with me now, she said.

\- Good. I’ve waited for you for more that two years, so I think it’s safe to say that I’m OK with taking the slow path.

She smiled against his chest.

\- Thank you.

\- So, where are we going?

\- I have to go back to Alex’s first. I need to shower, I need to sleep. Then I need to pack my things and leave. I guess I’ll crash at Gwen’s. Oh God, I’m homeless, she realized.

\- Come on, everything will be alright now. I’m sure Gwen doesn’t mind.

\- I know she doesn’t, she already offered it several weeks ago. But still, I don’t like to be a burden to her.

\- That’s what friends are for Anna. You know, “we find out what we’re made of, when we are called to help our friends in need”. Maybe you’ll return the favor one day.

Anna smiled.

\- I hope I can.

\- So? Let’s go?

\- Alright, but, before we go, there’s one last thing I need to ask you.

\- Yes?

\- Will you kiss me please?

John’s face brightened up in joy, as he cupped her cheek with a trembling hand.

\- I’d be very happy to…

All hurt melted away, and they both felt like a heavy weight lifted off their chests as their mouths found each other in that so-long-awaited-for kiss. They felt light, warmth and joy flooding their veins, as they were at last able to let the flame of their love burn freely. When they finally parted, Anna chuckled and said:

\- I’m sorry, this was not my idea of a perfect first date.

\- No problem, we’ll have time to make up for that. Today is only the beginning.

\- Yes. Yes it is. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Of our lives.

She sighed as if she was finally breathing freely for the first time in years. She smiled, grabbed her purse and held out her hand for him to take.

\- Come on, let’s go.


	10. Downton's Rescue Squad

Back at Alex’s flat, she put down her bag in the hallway and looked around. The place already didn’t feel like home anymore. She knew she had the day ahead of her, before Alex came back from work. She intended to be gone at that moment, but now she badly needed some sleep. Before going to bed though, she called her work to explain her absence and inform them that the hospital had delivered her a three days sick leave. She then called the clinic to cancel the abortion appointment, and texted Gwen to ask her if it was OK if she came to her place that night. Before going in the shower, she opened the “JB” Whatsapp conversation, and wondered for a while how she could phrase her gratitude to John. She thought of their past tradition of sending each other songs, and felt like reviving it. She smiled to herself as she sent a YouTube link:

***Muse – Unintended**

[ **https://youtu.be/i9LOFXwPwC4*** ](https://youtu.be/i9LOFXwPwC4)

“ _You could be my unintended choice to live my life extended_

_You could be the one I’ll always love_

_You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions_

_You could be the one I’ll always love_

_I’ll be there as soon as I can_

_But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

_First there was the one who challenged all my dreams and all my balance_

_He could never be as good as you_

_You could be my unintended choice to live my life extended_

_You should be the one I’ll always love_

_I’ll be there as soon as I can_

_But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

_Before you”_

***Thank you so much for being there today**

**Can’t wait to see you again.***

She refrained from typing “I love you”, because she didn’t want the first time she said it to John to be over Whatsapp. Some things needed to be said face to face. She dropped the phone on the bed and went showering. When she came back from the bathroom, an answer was waiting for her.

***Coldplay – Fix You**

[ **https://youtu.be/k4V3Mo61fJM*** ](https://youtu.be/k4V3Mo61fJM)

***This call was the best thing that happened to me**

**for a very long time.***

She lay in the bed, nestled her head on the pillow, and clicked to listen to the song. As the soft music started, she felt her eyes well up with tears. As John had suggested earlier that morning, she allowed herself to let out all the grief held inside her since the loss of her pregnancy.

“ _When you try your best but you don’t succeed_

_When you get what you want but not what you need_

_When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep_

_Stuck in reverse_

_When the tears come streaming down your face_

_Cause you lose something you can’t replace_

_When you love someone but it goes to waste_

_Could it be worse_

_Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bones_

_And I will try to fix you_

_But high up above or down below_

_When you’re too in love to let it show_

_But if you never try you’ll never know_

_Just what you’re worth_

_Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bones_

_And I will try to fix you_

_Tears streaming down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace_

_Tears streaming down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes_

_Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bones_

_And I will try to fix you”_

When the song was over, she lay the phone on her bedside table, and drifted to sleep.

* * *

She woke up in a startle. It took her a few seconds to remember all the events that had taken place in the last 24 hours. She looked at the time, and adrenaline flooded her when she saw it was already 4 pm. Shit, she had overslept. Alex would be home in less than two hours. She frantically got up, grabbed bags and a suitcase and started to gather all her belongings. Clothes, papers, books, shoes were scattered on the bed. She wondered how she would carry all this stuff all the way to Gwen’s place. She had no car to fill it in. That was when she realized that her escape plan was no so well-prepared. Maybe she would just take the most important part, and come back later to pick up the rest. What wasn’t an option was postponing leaving. Today was the day she would break free, or die trying. She had secured her most precious papers and books in a backpack along with her wallet and phone, and started to fill her suitcase with as much clothes as she could. She froze in her tracks and her heart started pounding hard. She had heard the door’s lock working, and that could mean only one thing: today of all days, Alex had come back early from work. “Shit”, she muttered under her breath. She had planned to go without facing him, because she knew he would obviously not take the news well. She took a deep breath, and found that she was not afraid anymore, but angry at him for the way he had treated her in the last few days, not to mention the last ten years. She decided that the best defense was attack. She met him in the hall and asked him boldly:

\- Hi, Alex. So, did you sleep well last night? Did you have a good day?

\- … I guess, he answered, a bit unsettled.

\- Thank you by the way, for asking news about my well-being after dropping me like a bag in front of the A&E! Thank you for being at my side while I bled and suffered like hell while losing OUR child. Yes, I miscarried, if that’s of any interest to you.

Alex, who had been quite taken by surprise by the fierceness of her attack, soon came back to his senses, and found his fighting spirit back:

\- Hey, don’t shout at me like that! Is it my fault if you can’t even keep a child! You’re really useless!

That was a low shot, and Anna felt her eyes prickle at the insult, but she was determined not to offer him her tears. She was done crying for him.

\- Yeah, talk all you want to. I’m off, I’ve had enough.

She turned back to the bedroom to finish her packing. Alex followed her and noticed all her stuff on the bed and the half-filled luggage.

\- What are you doing?

\- I’m leaving.

\- Where?

\- Like I would tell you.

She continued quickly filling the suitcase. He seized her wrist, and started twisting her arm until it hurt.

\- Alex, get off me! You’re hurting me!

\- You’re not leaving, he said in a calm but frightening voice.

\- Yes, I am.

\- Is this how you thank me for taking you off the street?

She rolled her eyes.

\- Alex, that was ten years ago! I have repaid you a thousand times since then. I have cleaned your flat, washed your clothes, cooked your meals, I have let you bully me, abuse me, hit me, insult me and rape me!

\- What?! That’s bullshit, I never raped you! I’m your boyfriend, that’s only my due!

\- Yes, that’s what I thought too until recently, but no, it doesn’t work that way! I am not your personal belonging!

\- Don’t you dare calling me a rapist, he shouted, anger twisting his face. He grabbed her shoulders and sent her crashing against the wall where she crumbled on the floor. When she stumbled up on her feet, she shouted back:

\- Go on Alex, kill me if you want! But you won’t have me anymore! I’m done with being your slave!

She managed to dodge his next attempt at seizing her hair. She grabbed her backpack and ran out of the room, leaving everything else behind her. She threw herself at the entrance door, and started running down the stairs as fast as she could. She continued running in the street until she was too out of breath to go on. She stopped on the pavement, hands on her knees, panting. She looked pitiful, her hair all over the place, her cheeks bright red from the run and all shining with tears. A few people turned to stare at her while she tried to catch her breath. After a while, she wiped her face on her T shirt, straightened her hair and made her way to the nearest bus stop to go to Gwen’s place, scanning the street all along to make sure that Alex wasn't following her.

* * *

Gwen was not yet back from work when Anna arrived at her flat. Fortunately she had told Anna that her old neighbor had a spare key to her flat. So Anna rang at the old lady’s door, and she lent her Gwen’s key. Anna entered the flat, locked the door behind her, and walked into her friend’s small apartment. Gwen lived in a one-bedroom, so Anna would have to sleep on the couch. She left her backpack near the door, and crumbled on the couch, exhausted from the sleepless night, the row with Alex and the run. Her belly still ached. She rubbed her hands on her face, wondering how and when she would be able to retrieve the rest of her stuff at Alex’s. She hoped he would not destroy them out of anger. She looked at her phone, and saw that he had sent her seventeen texts and had left eight voice messages. She had heard the phone ringing during the bus ride, but she had intentionally not looked at it. Now that she felt safe, she read and listened to the messages. It seemed Alex did not know what tone to use to make her come back, so he varied: some messages were pleading, others angry, some threatening. She shrugged and put the phone down. She went to the kitchen and started searching the fridge and drawers, in order to find stuff to cook dinner for Gwen and herself. As she was busy cooking, she heard her phone beep, not in Alex’s tune. It was John, inquiring about her situation. She put in her earphones and called him while she kept on supervising the cooking. She told him all about her lucky escape, and he fumed once again at the way Alex had treated her. He offered to go with her when she went to get the rest of her belongings. But she declined, because a meeting between John and Alex was the last thing she wanted. She feared Alex would hurt John. While they were still chatting, Gwen came back from work, so Anna put an end to the conversation, promising to be in touch the next day.

Gwen came to Anna and hugged her close:

\- Oh Anna! Girl, I’m so happy to see you! So you’ve FINALLY done it! How do you feel?

\- Tired. Shocked. Relieved. Grateful.

\- Grateful? For what?

\- To you, for having me here. To John, for coming to pick me up this morning.

\- To pick you up? From where? Wait, I sense I’m missing some pieces here. Let me grab a beer, and tell me the whole story.

So while they finished preparing their meal and laying the table, Anna gave Gwen a detailed account of her last twenty-four hours. Gwen sympathized when she learnt about the miscarriage, beamed about John being such a gentleman, and had strong words to qualify Alex’s behavior. While they were eating and talking, Anna’s phone kept buzzing with some more of Alex’s texts and calls. Annoyed, Gwen offered:

\- Do you want me to answer and tell him off?

\- No, answered Anna. If you do, he’ll know I am here with you and he might come harass me here. Not that it will be too hard for him to figure it out, since you’re my only friend beside Mary.

\- Yeah well if he does, I’m calling the cops.

\- I hope we won’t have to come to that.

\- So, continued Gwen, gesturing to Anna’s backpack, that’s all you took with you? Do you even have some clothes?

\- No… I had prepared a suitcase but when I ran out I didn’t have time to take it with me…

\- OK… Well I’ll lend you something for the night and tomorrow. And, I’ve talked to everyone at Downton today. Tomorrow you’re coming there with me, and we’ll meet with Mrs Hughes and Mary and see what we can do for you. How we get to retrieve all your things and what you’ll do next.

\- Oh, alright, thanks. And, by the way, you and Mary are the worst secret keepers ever! John heard you chatting at Downton, and he knew about me being pregnant!

Gwen’s face flushed a little, and she managed to look just shameful enough. When they had finished eating and cleaning the table, Gwen asked:

\- I guess you must be wasted. Where do you want to sleep? There’s the couch, or we can share my bed, it’s large enough, I don’t mind. I think you’ll be more comfortable than on the couch.

\- Oh, alright, that’s nice of you.

Gwen went to her bedroom, gave Anna a T-shirt for the night, and a clean towel for the bathroom.

\- There, make yourself comfortable. I’ll be in the living-room.

\- Thank you.

\- You’re welcome. And Anna?

\- Yes?

\- I’m so HAPPY that you’ve FINALLY DITCHED the guy! she beamed

Anna chuckled.

\- Yeah, I think it was past time.

Gwen nodded knowingly while she turned back to the living-room.

Later, when Anna was comfortably tucked into Gwen's bed, while her friend was still watching TV in the living room, she checked her phone one last time before going to sleep. Besides the dozens texts left by Alex, that she decided not to read, there was a Whatsapp message from John. She opened it:

***Elton John - Your song**

[ **https://youtu.be/GlPlfCy1url*** ](https://youtu.be/GlPlfCy1url)

“ _You can tell everybody this is your song_

_It may be quite simple but now that it’s done_

_I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind_

_That I put down in words_

_How wonderful life is while you’re in the world_

_So excuse forgetting, but these things I do_

_You see I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue_

_Anyway the thing is, what I really mean_

_Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen”_

***I have not at all forgotten**

**how sweetly blue your eyes are**

**And they are surely the most beautiful eyes**

**I’ve ever seen.**

**Goodnight sweetheart***

Anna smiled, realizing that no one had called her sweetheart since her father last had, which was about twenty years ago. It did feel good.

***Goodnight John.**

**See you tomorrow***

She put the phone down and fell asleep faster and deeper than she had done in months.

* * *

When Anna and Gwen arrived at Downton the next morning, Mrs Hughes welcomed Anna with open arms.

\- Anna, my dear girl! You’re a sight for sore eyes! I’m so glad to see you again.

\- Hi Mrs Hughes, answered Anna, I’m glad to see you too.

\- Come to my office. We’ll have tea and you will keep me up to date with your news, while those girls make their morning round, she said gesturing to Gwen who was walking towards the nurse’s room. When they’re done they’ll join us to discuss you situation.

\- Alright… said Anna, a bit embarrassed that her personal situation was about to become public knowledge among the Downton staff.

Anna spent a good part of the morning telling Mrs Hughes all that had happened to her during the last eighteen months. The older woman’s warm presence and guidance helped her feel more steady. In the years Anna had worked at Downton, Mrs Hughes had always felt a bit like a substitute mother, since Anna was no longer in touch with her own. Around the middle of the morning, John arrived and joined them in Mrs Hughes’s office. He wasn’t working that day, but had come when Gwen had informed him of the gathering they were planning. When he had settled with a cup of tea, Mrs Hughes went on with the conversation.

\- So, Anna, I understand that right now you’re out of housing?

\- Well, yes. I’m living with Gwen for the moment, but I’ll have to find myself a flat. And my stuff is still at Alex’s…

\- You know, in the older wings of Downton Abbey, we have a few studios to accommodate the staff. I could check with M. Carson if one would be available?

\- That’s very kind Mrs Hughes. I would say yes if I was working here, but the thing is my current job is quite a long ride from here. It’d be more practical for me to live closer.

\- I understand. I only wish I could offer you a job here… Unfortunately we have no vacant nurse position at the time being… We’ll reconsider the matter as soon as something comes along.

\- Thank you.

One by one, the people Gwen had informed were filling Mrs Hughes’s office. Gwen, William, Thomas were there when Mary entered last. She eyed the assembly and declared:

\- So, Downton Rescue Squad is complete. Let’s start. Hi Anna, she said while giving her a hug. So, everyone, I guess that you all know that Anna has left her partner’s flat in a hurry, leaving all her stuff behind, and that he’s keeping on harassing her. So, first thing, Anna, here’s your new phone, she said, handing her a small package. I filled up all our numbers in it. You can put any more ones you like, except Alex’s. That’s forbidden.

Gwen continued:

\- And I’m keeping your old one, and I’m your secretary. I’m handling Alex.

\- … Alright, said Anna, bemused.

\- Now, continued Mary, we have to organize a raid to your old flat to retrieve your belongings. We’ll have to be a number of people so that we can move all your stuff quickly, and I think it’ll be better if we have at least one man, if Alex is there, to dissuade him from being aggressive.

\- I’ll be there with Richard, said Thomas. We owe you from last time, Anna.

\- Thanks Thomas, said Anna with a little smile.

\- I can come too, Anna, if you wish, added John.

\- Erm, I think it’s best we avoid the two of you meeting if that’s possible… He knows your face, and I really really don’t want to see you both fighting…

\- Alright, I understand.

\- I can come, said William.

\- We’ll try and do everything when he’s not there, continued Gwen, but that’s just for safety in case he comes home early.

\- Yes, he does seem to have a sense for coming home early when he’s not wanted, said Anna.

\- What’s the day he’s working late again? asked Mary.

\- Thursday.

\- OK, is everyone alright if we plan it next Thursday? That’s in two days time.

\- Yeah, OK, fine, answered Gwen, Thomas and William.

\- Alright, I’ll come with my car, said Mary, who owned an SUV. I think we should be able to put all your stuff in it. You’ll take what you need most to Gwen’s and I’ll keep the rest in my garage until you find yourself a flat. Alright, we meet at 6.30pm in the street down Alex’s on Thursday, is that OK for everyone?

All the volunteers nodded.

\- Guys, said Anna in a trembling voice, I can’t tell you how much that means to me. You’re the best, all of you.

\- I agree, said Mrs Hughes. I must say, I am proud of my team. Solidarity is one of the core value of Downton, and I’m very glad to see it put into acts. So, is everything settled for now? Maybe everyone could go back to work then.

All those who were working started to move at once. When they had all filled out of the room, Mrs Hughes turned to Anna:

\- So, my dear. I wish you the best luck in this important new step in your life. I very much hope we’ll be able to have you back here soon.

\- Thank you very much, Mrs Hughes, answered Anna, giving her a hug.

Anna and John were left alone in the hallway, as everyone else had gone back to work. John gingerly took Anna’s hand, and asked:

\- So, Anna, would you like it if we spent the day together? As it is, my next day off is not until next week, so we won’t be able to see much of each other for the rest of this week.

\- Oh, yes, I’d love it, she answered with a bright smile.

\- Maybe we could go eat somewhere first, it’s nearly lunch time.

\- Alright, yes, let’s go.

While they were quietly strolling across Downton’s park, John asked:

\- So, where would you like to go?

\- How about that Italian restaurant down the street? You know, where we did some staff dinners sometimes? I like it.

\- Alright, Italian restaurant it is then.

Anna looked at him coyly.

\- So, is this our real first date?

John shook his head.

\- No, no, this is not a proper date. For our first date, I will come to pick you up at home, You’ll have time to prepare, and I’ll take you somewhere fancier. You won’t be wearing your friend’s borrowed clothes. It’ll be you in a nice dress, me looking like a fool…

Anna chuckled.

\- You don’t look like a fool. But alright, I’m looking forward to it.

When they were settled at a table in the Italian restaurant, Anna became quite fidgety, toying with her napkin and sighing. John noticed and worried about her sudden change of mood.

\- Anna, darling, what is it? You seem… preoccupied?

Anna blinked a little too hard, and said:

\- It’s just… you know… for all this talk of solidarity back in Mrs Hughes’s office… It’s quite embarrassing to be the center of such attentions. I feel quite… unworthy.

\- Oh, Anna, what would make you think that?

\- I don’t know, I feel angry at myself for letting my situation stray to the point where I need a bloody “rescue squad” to get my stuff back… I should have known better, I should have understood a long time ago what Alex really was! Now I do feel like a total fool!

\- You’re not a fool! Everyone says how difficult it is to get out of an abusive relationship! He had a mental hold on you! It takes time to break away from those chains…

\- But I’m not a victim! That’s not who I am. The worst part is that you see me as a victim…

\- No, darling, I don’t see you as a victim. You have been victim of certain deeds. That does not make you “a victim”. That doesn’t define your whole being. I see you as a bright, beautiful young woman, and I’m so totally in love with you.

Anna couldn’t help but smile at this vibrant declaration. John went on:

\- If anyone here is unworthy, it’s me, of you.

\- How do you make that out? How could you be unworthy of me? she exclaimed.

\- You’re young, I’m old. You’re so beautiful, and I’m so… not beautiful. I am an ex-con, ex-addict, ex-alcoholic and permanently impaired. I don’t think that is the best match you could have hoped for.

Anna shook her head vigorously.:

\- Now stop with the nonsense. You’re not so old. I think you are very handsome. You have the most beautiful warm eyes I have ever seen. I don’t care about all the “ex” things you are, since they are in the past. As for the impairment, so what? We won’t be able to go hiking together, and that’s for the best because I hate hiking. You are the very best thing that has ever happened to me John Bates! Without you I would still be a nursing assistant, and probably still with Alex.

She squeezed his hand and they exchanged meaningful looks, as the waiter was bringing them their plates.

They ate in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s company. Then John looked at Anna and asked softly:

\- So, how do you feel about… you know, what happened the night before last?

\- Slightly better I think. It still hurts but… You gave me a good advice. I have allowed myself to feel sad about it, and it helped. I think I will be alright, with a little time. But… I need to be honest with you. If it hadn’t happened, I don’t know if I would have had the strength to show up at the abortion clinic the next day. It felt so hard…

\- I guess so…

John put his hand on Anna’s and gently squeezed it.

\- You know, when I heard Mary talking about you at Downton, obviously I was quite shocked at first. But then, I thought over it a lot. I didn’t know what you intended to do of course, so I kept asking myself what I would do if you decided to carry on with it.

\- Yes?

\- It caused me an almost sleepless night you know. But then I only got down to one point: if my choice was to be between having you with that child, or not having you at all, well…

\- Well? You would have been willing to take on Alex’s child? Anna said with wide eyes.

John looked down and answered in a small voice, almost a whisper.

\- The idea of not having you because of that child was unbearable. So yes, I would have. Because I would love you whatever, whenever, wherever.

Anna’s eyes were now filled with tears. She took John’s hand and nestled her cheek in it, kissing its palm.

\- Oh John, you don’t know how much that means to me… I kept telling myself that I was doing the right thing for our future. I love you too. So much.

She shot him a watery smile as he gently stroked her cheek.

After lunch, they decided to take a stroll in the nearby park. Quietly walking hand in hand had a soothing effect on both of them. After a while, Anna noticed that John kept grinning somewhat awkwardly.

\- What is it? Why are you grinning like that?

\- I just can’t believe I am walking like this with you beside me, holding your hand… I feel like pinching myself!

\- Well believe, she answered, stroking his arm.

She stopped walking, turned to face him, put her hand at the back of his neck and pulled him close to deposit a light kiss on his lips.

\- Is that enough, or do you want me to pinch you? she said playfully.

\- No, no, I’m OK, he laughed. Although maybe another one of these, he said reaching for her lips again.

The afternoon passed pleasantly and by the end of it, John gave Anna a lift back to Gwen’s flat. When they kissed goodbye, Anna gingerly asked:

\- So, about this first date?

\- Oh, yes, how about next Saturday?

\- Alright. Say you’ll pick me up at 8 pm?

\- 8 pm, I will.

\- And, maybe you can join us Thursday evening after, you know, “the raid”? I’ll buy everyone a drink in the pub as a thank you.

\- I’d love it.

\- So, this is goodbye then, said Anna, a bit regretfully.

\- I guess so. Until Thursday, answered John, kissing her on her cheek.

When he started pulling away, Anna turned her head to catch his mouth with hers. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, and intensified the kiss, her tongue invading his lips. His arms circled her waist, pulling her even closer. When she finally let go of him, he panted, quite dazzled:

\- Oh Lord, Anna, how can I leave you behind and go home alone when you do this to me…

She chuckled:

\- That was just something to remember me, you know until Thursday…

\- Oh I will, don’t worry about that.

She gave him a mischievous smile as she ran off to the building’s staircase.

* * *

Thursday 6.30 pm found the whole of “Downton Rescue Squad” meeting down Alex’s building. Fortunately Anna had kept her keys in her flight. Mary took charge of the operation:

\- So, everyone, we aim to be done in an hour max. Anna, when we’re in, you tell us everything we need to pack. When it’s done, we take it downstairs and stuff it all in my car. You tell me what’s going to Gwen’s and what’s going to my place. Who’s staying in the street to keep watch and send the alarm if Alex’s coming?

\- I will, said Gwen. I know how he looks like, the boys don’t.

\- Oh Lord, what if he changed the locks? feared suddenly Anna

\- That wouldn't make much sense, since all the texts he’s still sending you to try and make you come back, said Gwen flatly.

\- Yeah, you’re right. Anyway, we’ll know soon enough.

\- So, shall we start? asked Mary. I brought some plastic boxes to put your stuff in, they’re in my trunk.

\- We’ll get those, said Thomas.

The team started to make their way to the third floor. Anna’s key worked normally and they soon started working, collecting all her stuff and packing it into bags and boxes. Anna felt eerie walking around the place where she’d spent so many desperate nights, and telling herself that it was the last time. That all the hurt was over, and she was never coming back. They had taken everything, and were back downstairs, finishing to arrange all the boxes into Mary’s car, when Gwen spotted Alex parking his motorbike.

\- Shit, he’s coming, she warned the group.

Anna suddenly tensed and mumbled:

\- Oh crap…

She tried to hide among her friends, but Alex had spotted her, and started approaching her, holding his motorbike helmet.

\- Anna? What the hell are you doing?

She braced herself to keep calm, and answered in a cold voice:

\- Well you see. I’ve picked up all my stuff, and I’m leaving.

\- But… baby can’t we at least talk it over face to face? Why are you doing this to me?

\- Oh no. Seeing what YOU do to me when we are face to face, we’re not discussing anything without witnesses. It’s over. I’m off.

\- But darling come on! You know I love you…

At that point, Mary stepped in, looking pissed:

\- Now Alex, stop the bullshit. Cut it out. You don’t love her, you abuse her. Now you leave her alone. Stop harassing her or we’re reporting you to the police.

She turned to Anna and instructed firmly:

\- Anna, give me your keys, and get into the car.

Anna obliged, shooting Alex one last reproachful look. Mary dropped the keys in Alex’s helmet and said:

\- There you are. Now she’s out of your life, you’re out of hers. Forget her.

Alex’s face started burning red with anger.

\- It’s this John guy, he brainwashed her!

Mary faced him calmly, while all the others circled around her, so that Alex wouldn’t feel safe enough to try and get violent.

\- He did none of that. If he did anything, it was opening her eyes. Now back off.

\- ANNA! I’ll kill myself, he bellowed, trying to reach her in the car through the wall of her friends.

\- Now don’t start with the emotional blackmail! That’s none of her business what you choose to do with your life from now on.

\- Good riddance I would say… whispered Gwen under her breath.

With that, they all started to fill their cars, and left Alex alone on the pavement.

As they were driving away, Mary noticed that Anna was silently crying in the passenger’s seat. She squeezed her hand and said softly:

\- Anna, sweetie, are you OK?

Anna sniffed and answered shakily:

\- Yeah, yeah, I will be soon. It’s just… seeing him again... hearing him say this stuff.. that he loves me, that he’ll kill himself. It’s kind of overwhelming.

\- I guess. But you do know it’s not true, do you?

\- Yes. I do, she said confidently, smiling to Mary through her tears. I just need a moment to, you know, get over it. Do you think he’s going to leave me alone now?

\- Well, he’d better. Otherwise you’ll file a complaint for harassment. Hey, cheer up! Is John meeting us tonight?

Anna’s smile grew wider.

\- Yes, he is.

\- So, where are you with him?

\- He’s taking me on our first date on Saturday.

\- Niiice, nodded Mary knowingly.

Anna chuckled, and dried her tears.

When Anna had put her stuff in Gwen’s flat, the whole team gathered in a pub nearby. John joined them, sitting next to Anna and circling her shoulders with his arm.

\- Are you alright darling? he whispered in her ear.

She smiled at him and softly kissed his cheek.

\- More than alright, she answered.

When the waiter had brought all the drinks, Thomas help up his beer and started:

\- So, let me propose a toast: to Anna, and her new life, and to Downton’s Army!

Every one lifted their glass, chanting:

\- To Anna! And Downton’s Army!

Thomas, who happened to be a big Harry Potter fan, continued:

\- Downton’s Army… The DA… You know it reminds me of Dumbledore’s Army in the Order of the Phoenix!

Gwen answered:

\- Well I don’t know if we are Aurors, but Alex sure is a Death Eater! He was slowly sucking out Anna’s soul…

\- Yeah, he was, added Anna, smiling sadly at the accuracy of the image.

After enjoying two hours chatting with her friends, Anna looked at her watch and said:

\- Alright guys, I think I’ll call it a night, I have to get up at 5.30 tomorrow for work… I can never thank you all enough for what you did. Goodnight, you all. See you.

She got up, and waved at the assembly.

\- I’ll walk you home, said John.

\- I’ll come too, said Gwen.

But the non-verbal plea that Anna sent her made her change her mind:

\- Oh, right, I’ll stay a little while longer, she chuckled as Anna flushed and sent her a thankful smile.

They walked quietly hand in hand towards Gwen’s building. As they came nearer the building’s entrance, Anna suddenly froze in her tracks, having noticed Alex’s figure standing in the doorway. She squeezed hard on John’s hand:

\- Shit, John! There’s Alex standing there! Oh God he’s waiting for me…

\- Keep calm darling, we’ll handle him. Don’t worry.

Alex had seen them approaching and started walking towards them.

\- Anna, why won’t you talk to me?

\- What are you doing here Alex! she said looking at him with as much contempt she could muster. Do you really want me to call the police for your harassment?!

Alex was eyeing John from the top down, lingering on the crutch, with a look of pure loathing.

\- You’re not telling me that this sad old crippled keeps you happy…

John did not respond to the insult, but protectively wrapped his arm around Anna’s shoulders. Anna shot Alex a dark look and answered coldly:

\- If you must know, yes, he keeps me very happy. Which is more than I can say you ever did.

Anger rose again on Alex’s features.

\- You really are a little slut! he fumed.

\- Now listen to me sir! snapped John suddenly. He could cope with himself being insulted, that didn’t mean anything to him, but he was not going to let that prick get away with insulting Anna.

\- I might be a sad old crippled, as you kindly worded, but I am also an ex-military, and believe me, my bad leg would not hinder me in the least if I decided to kick your ass. So I kindly advise you to tone down, and leave her alone.

He and Alex engaged into an eyeing match, while Anna held her breath. After a very tense moment, Alex, being wide-mouthed but not very courageous, decided that the risk was not worth taking, and turned back to his motorcycle, mumbling to himself. Anna slowly breathed out as she saw him riding away, and looked at John:

\- Thank you for that. Man, how am I ever going to feel safe to go out on my own knowing he’s still out there? I hope he won’t keep on following me everywhere…

Gwen appeared behind them at that point.

\- Was that Alex leaving just now? she asked.

\- I’m afraid it was, sighed Anna.

\- OK, you’re really going to have to report him Anna. He can’t get away with that Scott's free!

\- Yeah, we’ll see.

\- Alright, I’m going up, said Gwen, winking at her.

\- OK, I’m following, answered Anna before turning back to John.

He was fondly smiling at her, and asked gingerly:

\- So, is it true that I’m keeping you very happy?

\- But of course it is, you silly beggar, she answered against his lips before softly kissing him. See you Saturday?

\- Sure. Goodnight Anna.

Later, in Gwen’s bed, as she was settling to sleep, Anna grabbed her phone and opened Whatsapp to send John a message:

***Ben E King – Stand by me**

[ **https://youtu.be/hwZNL7QVJjE*** ](https://youtu.be/hwZNL7QVJjE)

“ _When the night has come, and the land is dark_

_And the moon is the only light we’ll see_

_No I won’t be afraid, I won’t be afraid_

_Just as long, as you stand, stand by me_

_So darling darling stand by me_

_Oh stand by me_

_If the sky we look upon, should tumble and fall_

_Or the mountains should crumble to the sea_

_I won’t cry, I won’t cry, I won’t shed a tear_

_Just as long as you stand, stand by me”_

When her alarm went off at 5.30 the next morning, she quickly turned it off not to wake Gwen, and checked if there was an answer from John. Of course there was:

***The Pretenders – I’ll stand by you**

[ **https://youtu.be/bLpmj059JFA*** ](https://youtu.be/bLpmj059JFA)

“ _Oh, why you look so sad, tears are in your eyes_

_Come on and come to me now_

_Don’t be ashamed to cry, let me see you through_

_Cause I’ve seen the dark side too_

_When the night falls on you, you don’t know what to do_

_Nothing you confess, can make me love you less_

_I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you_

_When you’re standing at the crossroads, don’t know which path to chose_

_Let me come along, cause even if you’re wrong_

_I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you_

_Take me in into your darkest hour, and I’ll never desert you_

_I’ll stand by you_

_And when, when the night falls on you baby,_

_You’re feeling all alone, you won’t be on your own_

_I’ll stand by you”_

She smiled to herself, and quietly got up and started her morning routine.


	11. Back to Downton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To fully enjoy this chapter, you need to have seen the movie "Notting Hill" with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant.

The two following days passed at an irritatingly slow pace for Anna. Waking up way too early in the morning, to endure the long bus ride, too much work for not enough staff and no help from her co-workers who were themselves drowned in their own workload. Dozing in the bus back to Gwen’s on Saturday afternoon, she thought that she ought to look for another place as soon as possible, even in Downton was still not available. However, her mood lifted significantly when she thought of the evening awaiting her. After taking a nap (it wouldn’t do to fall asleep in her plate on her first date with John), she set on getting herself ready. It had been years since she had spent so much time prepping herself. Poring over clothes, changing mind on what outfit to wear, doing, undoing and redoing her hair, meticulously putting on sensible make-up, all the sweet anticipation of happiness felt so good.

When she was finally done, she turned on herself in Gwen’s living-room, waiting for her friend’s comment on the result. The red-headed girl whistled in appreciation, and nodded knowingly:

\- Well done! He’ll come crawling down at your feet girl, you mark my words!

Anna laughed sheepishly.

\- Don’t be daft, she snapped.

\- No, I mean it! You’re positively glowing! Man I wish I had someone who’d make me want to prep like this for him…

\- Oh Gwen… Don’t talk like that. You’ll find him someday.

\- Yeah. Anyway…

The door bell rang precisely at this moment. Anna briefly closed her eyes, breathed slowly in and out to steady herself, and smiled to Gwen, who winked back at her:

\- You enjoy my friend! And don’t worry if you don’t want to come back tonight!

\- Gwen! answered Anna, flushing.

John was nervously waiting in the hallway, shifting from one foot to the other, breathing slowly in and out to steady his pounding heart. He couldn't believe he was finally taking Anna Smith on a date. He was looking down to the floor when the door opened and Anna stepped out on the landing. He lifted his gaze, slowly taking in the heavenly features of the creature standing in front of him, shyly smiling. He just stopped breathing as he noticed her slender legs, enhanced by heeled shoes, the dress that fitted her waist just right, the cleavage that showed just enough without revealing too much, the wonderful curves of her shoulders, collarbones and neck, her expertly tied up golden hair, her so beautiful blue eyes and her oh-so-kissable mouth. A surge of fierce desire ran through him like a high tide, and it was all he could do not to sweep her off her feet and lay her down on the nearest bed. But he quickly buried those feelings, knowing that acting like that would only destroy her fragile balance and the trust she had in him. Time would come for such activities, but it was not now. He quickly closed his eyes to straighten his grip on himself, then breathed out and smiled at her:

\- Oh, wow… he mouthed with a look of utter joy.

\- Hi John, she said shyly.

\- You look… gorgeous, amazing, perfect! Pick the one you like!

She laughed softly.

\- You look good too, she answered earnestly.

\- That’s not true, but I’ll believe you, he said.

Coming closer to her, he gently put his hand on the side of her neck, stroking the lobe of her right ear, toying with the earring that was adorning it, then pulled her to him and kissed her lips slowly.

\- Shall we go? he asked.

\- Sure, let me get my purse, she answered.

They were seated at a table in the fancy restaurant John had chosen. The atmosphere was intimate, soft music playing in the background. Both were starting to relax and the conversation was light.

\- So, how’s it going with your work? asked John.

\- Hmpf, sighed Anna. I don’t like it much. It’s so understaffed, I’m always running this way and that, and I feel I’m doing everything wrong. I think I’ll look for something else.

\- It doesn’t seem very satisfying indeed. Have you started looking for flats?

\- I have yes. But everything’s so expensive…

She stayed silent for a while, then put her hand on John’s.

\- You understand, do you, why I need my own place for a start? Why it’s too soon for me to move in with you right away?

\- I think I do, yes…

\- You see… I love you, really, so much, but… I really need a little time, to gather myself, to find myself as a person, before moving on to the next step. I hope that’s alright with you?

\- Of course it is. Whatever you need, my darling. I want you to feel good, and confident, and free. I’ll never press you to go faster than you want.

\- Thank you John, she said, kissing the back of his hand.

\- We can take plenty of time to get to know each other better. Like, I don’t know anything about your family, would you care to tell me? About your parents? Do you even have siblings?

Her family was not a subject Anna really wanted to dwell on, for there weren’t many good memories attached. But if she was building something serious with John, well, he’ll need to know…

\- Hum, there’s not much to say… My dad died when I was six years old, in a work accident.

As she was suddenly blinking back tears, John could see that the subject was still very touchy for her, and he cursed himself for bringing it up.

\- Oh, darling, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked those questions.

\- No, no, it’s alright. Anyhow, I would have had to tell you one day, so it might as well be now. I loved him very much you see. It’s been more that twenty years now, and it’s still aching.

\- I can see that. He must have been a very fine man.

She smiled and wiped her eyes on her napkin.

\- Anyway, my mum was left alone with me and my sister Leslie, who is two years older than me. We were on the verge of poverty back then, struggling on benefit. Until she married again. We lived with my stepfather, until I left home when I was seventeen. I haven’t been in touch with them since then.

\- Oh… but why?

Anna closed her eyes as she felt the rush of unwanted and unpleasant memories through her brain. God, she couldn’t tell him about that. Not now. Not yet. She wouldn’t bear the shame, and the pity she was bound to read in his eyes.

\- We… parted on nasty terms. It was a very hard time for me, and I don’t think I want to speak about it tonight. I’ll tell you one day. But not tonight.

\- Alright sweetheart. I’m sorry, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

\- Anyway. Your turn now. What about your family? Is it as lousy as mine? she asked, smiling sadly.

\- Not much better I’m afraid. I don’t have any sibling. My dad died too, when I was ten.

\- Oh, I’m sorry John.

\- But I don’t miss him at all. He was an alcoholic, and he abused me and my mother. We were better off without him. So after that it was just me and my mother.

\- Are you still in touch with her?

\- Yes, I am. We are quite close in relationship, if not in distance. She lives in London. She’s not in very good health unfortunately. Heart condition. I don’t know how much longer she’ll be around.

\- Oh, that’s sad.

\- Yeah. But you know what? She would really like to meet you. She’s asked me a thousand times to bring you to meet her.

Anna’s eyes grew wide:

\- What? You’ve told her about me?

\- I surely did.

\- Oh Lord…

\- So, what do you say? Would you come with me to London to meet her?

Anna felt suddenly very hot, and fanned herself with her napkin.

\- Oh Lord. Oh Lord. I’m meeting the mother.

They both broke into laughter, as John squeezed her hand, trying to reassure her.

\- Don’t worry, she’ll love you.

\- Yeah, right, we’ll see.

\- I know she will. She’s a good judge of character.

\- Oh yeah, is she? So did she like Vera?

\- No, she always made it clear to me that she thought she was a nasty piece of work. In which I can only say that she was right…

\- I guess so…

\- So? Will you come?

\- Alright, sure, I will. I will be extra-nervous, but OK, she smiled.

He laughed softly.

A few hours later, Anna was getting ready for bed, putting her hair down and cleaning her make-up, when the usual Whatsapp notification rang. She looked at it while walking to the bedroom where Gwen was already asleep.

***Gloria Gaynor – Can’t take my eyes off you**

[ **http://youtu.be/BT4GIljqr-A*** ](http://youtu.be/BT4GIljqr-A)

“ _You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you_

_You’d be like Heaven to touch, oh I wanna hold you so much_

_At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I’m alive_

_You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you_

_Pardon the way that I stare, there’s nothing else to compare_

_The sight of you leaves me weak, there are no words left to speak_

_But if you feel like I feel, please let me know that it’s real_

_You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you_

_I love you baby, and if it’s quite alright,_

_I need you baby, to warm the lonely nights_

_I love you baby, trust me when I say_

_Oh pretty baby, don’t bring me down I pray_

_Oh pretty baby, now that I’ve found you stay_

_And let me love you, baby, let me love you”_

She chuckled softly as she typed the answer:

***Stop the flattering M. Bates!**

**Gnight. Luv U too xxx***

* * *

After yet another day of exhausting work, Anna was in the women’s locker room, changing from her scrubs into civilian clothes. When she was done, she closed her locker, grabbed her bag and started walking to the door. Just as she was exiting the building, she looked across the street to the bus stop. She was just in time to catch it. She started making her way towards the stop, when she froze and her heart suddenly thumped. Over there, in the fading daylight, stood Alex. Rolling her eyes, she sighed and mumbled:

\- Oh crap…

She quickly turned around and got back into the building. Man, would he never stop harassing her? Even after Gwen telling him off several times on her old phone, he continued calling and texting. He was sending emails too, that she had set to be directed directly into the spam box. She had not yet decided to report him to the police, but she was starting to think it was going to be necessary… For now, she had to think of a way to go home without him seeing her. She thought of the back door, where the deliveries were coming. She started walking all the way to the other side of the building and got out in the small street behind it. Now she would have to walk around the block to the next bus stop, where she would have to wait for the next bus, since she would have missed this one. Well at least she had escaped the confrontation, she thought to herself. She was swiftly walking down the street, when her phone ringing startled her. Grabbing it in her purse, she looked at the incoming number, that read “Mrs Hughes”. Hope rushed through her. She quickly picked up.

\- Hello? Mrs Hughes, hi, how are you?

\- Hello Anna, very well thank you. May I talk to you for a moment?

\- Sure, go ahead.

\- I’ve just learned that Nurse O’Brien is leaving us. “Overseas opportunity”, so she says. So… if you’d be still willing to join our team back?

Anna felt joy rise in her chest at Mrs Hughes’s words. She stuttered:

\- Oh… er… yes, yes! Sure! I’d be very happy to! When do you need me?

\- In two weeks time.

\- Alright great! I’ll hand in my notice here right away! Thank you so much Mrs Hughes!

\- You’re welcome my dear. I always told you I would have you back as soon as possible. I meant it. So, can you come this week, at any convenient time for you, so that we fill the paperwork with M. Carson?

\- I sure will. In fact, I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll be there first thing. I’ll come with Gwen.

\- Excellent. See you tomorrow then.

\- Yes. Goodbye Mrs Hughes, thank you.

She hang up, and burst into a nervous laugh. She felt like shrieking with joy, like jumping up and down and hugging every bystander. She was finally going back! She had completely forgotten Alex. She felt she had to share the news with John right away. She was shivering with excitement as she dialed his number. She tried to soothe her breath while waiting for him to pick up.

\- Anna?

\- Yes, it’s me!

\- Are you alright?

\- Oh yes I am! Guess what? Breaking news! Mrs Hughes just called me, O’Brien’s leaving Downton!

\- Oh wow! So are you coming back!

\- Of course I am, you silly beggar!

\- Oh darling that’s awesome! I’m so happy!

\- Yeah it is! Oh God I’m so excited. I can finally leave this awful place…

\- When are you starting?

\- In two weeks.

\- Great! Hey, I was thinking, for our second date, and now maybe to celebrate your coming back to Downton, I could cook you dinner, you know at my place?

There was a split-second hesitation, and a hint of nervousness in Anna’s voice when she answered:

\- Er… yes, why not?

John heard it, and quickly tried to set things straight:

\- It’ll only be dinner, and maybe we can watch a movie, and I’ll drive you back to Gwen’s afterwards, I promise.

She smiled at the lengths he was going to in order to make her feel safe.

\- Alright, that would be very nice. When?

\- Would Wednesday be good?

She mentally checked her schedule and answered:

\- yes, I think it’s alright.

\- Great. Come at 7.00?

\- I will. Now I’m heading back to Gwen’s and we’ll celebrate O’Brien’s departure, she laughed.

\- See you sweetheart.

\- Bye John. See you Wednesday.

She hummed to herself all the way on the bus ride, and went back to an over-excited Gwen, who had already heard the news, and had bought a bottle of champagne, which they drank between the two of them, while cheerfully bitching on O’Brien’s behalf.

* * *

On Wednesday evening, John was in the midst of preparing dinner when Anna rang on his door. He opened the door, and welcomed her in apartment for the first time. She was looking as lovely as ever, although in a more casual outfit that the one she had worn on their restaurant date.

\- Good evening Anna!

\- Good evening John! Oh dear, what are you cooking? It smells soooo good!

\- Ahah, you’ll see, it’s my mother’s lasagna recipe.

\- Oooh, I love lasagna!

\- Well I’m glad to hear it. It’ll be ready in about half an hour, so what do you say we have a drink meanwhile?

\- Yes, fine.

She started walking around the flat, which was easily done since it was only two rooms. She noticed that John had not put much effort in decorating it.

\- So, did everything go well with Mrs Hughes, asked John, coming from the kitchen and handing her a glass.

\- Yes, absolutely! We signed all the forms, I’m starting Monday after next.

\- Great! So, here’s to your new job! he said, raising his glass.

She raised hers in response, and added:

\- New job, AND new lodging! Mrs Hughes convinced M. Carson to let me one of their studios… you know at least until I move on to something else. So I’ll be finally letting Gwen leave in peace.

\- That’s wonderful.

\- Yes. I feel like finally the pieces of my life are falling back into place… she smiled to him.

\- I’m very happy that you feel that way, he said, circling her shoulders with his arms and kissing her lightly on her temple.

\- And I can get more sleep, because I won’t have to ride the bus for forty-five minutes everyday… Although it’ll be a little funny to live at work… And also, I’m not allowed to have guests there.

\- Oh, well, we’ll just have to meet here then, he shrugged.

They continued chatting until the oven alarm went off, signaling that the lasagna was done. While John was tending to the hot baking dish and preparing the salad, Anna set to lay the table. She had filled the water jug from the tap and turned around to bring it to the table, when it slipped from her hands, and crashed on the floor, sending glass shards everywhere in the kitchen, and soaking the floor.

\- Oh shit, John, I’m so sorry! she exclaimed, going down on her knees to pick up the glass parts.

John was coming back from the living-room when he saw the damage.

\- Anna! What the… Be careful!

He swiftly came beside her and extended his arm towards her to make sure she hadn’t cut herself. But his unexpected move made her panic, and in a reflex, she brought her arms self-protectively in front of her face. Her reaction sent a cold knife through his heart. He had just frightened her into thinking he was going to hit her. What a fool he was. He felt frozen to his core, not knowing what to do next.

Catching her breath, and realizing how inappropriately just had just reacted, Anna crumbled on the floor crying. Between her sobs, she tried to apologize:

\- I’m so… sorry John… I’m so… silly…

He approached her very slowly and carefully took her hand and pulled her up.

\- Anna, my love. Get up, it’s alright.

When she was standing up, he wrapped his arms around her, and held her tight in silence for a moment. When she had calmed down a bit, he talked to her softly:

\- It’s alright, it’s alright love. I see what happened here. I frightened you, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have moved so suddenly. I’ll be more careful. You know I would never hurt you, don’t you?

She sniffed, and looked up at him with her tears-stained face:

\- Of course I know! I know you’re not Alex, and you would never do that! I’m sorry, it was beyond me. Like my subconscious took control…

\- Don’t be sorry. It was my fault. Are you feeling better now? he asked, wiping her cheeks.

\- Yes, I think so. Now we should really clean up that mess before the lasagna gets cold.

When they had cleared the kitchen, they finally sat down to the table. Anna took a deep breath, and sighed slowly.

\- Alright. Let’s forget this awkward episode, and start again our nice evening. I’m starving, I would really like a large slice of this wonderfully-smelling lasagna.

\- Your wish is my command Milady, said John while filling her plate.

\- You know, a man who cooks, it’s quite unusual for me. I don’t think you-know-who even knew how to turn the oven on.

\- Well I’ll cook for you every single day of our life if you want me to.

She smiled, taking her first mouthful of lasagna.

\- That’s so cute. And those are so good.

\- Thank you. My mum will be thrilled to know that I conquered you with her lasagna recipe.

\- Well technically you’ve already conquered me a long time ago, but you know, a good lasagna doesn’t hurt your case.

They ate in silence for a little while, until Anna spoke again:

\- So, I think we should go on with our “getting to know each other” stuff. Last time we did family, how about tonight we do tastes?

\- … Alright, answered John, unsure where she wanted to go.

\- So… Dog or cat?

\- Hmmm, definitely dog. Dogs are faithful and straightforward. Cats are sneaky devils.

\- Oh yeah? I like cats. They’re independent and majestic. Dogs are nice, but a little dumb.

\- Alright, so we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one. Good start, he chuckled.

\- Sweet or salty? she went on.

\- Oooh, that one is hard. More salty I guess. You?

\- Both.

\- That’s not fair, you have to choose.

\- Hey, my game, I make the rules.

John held out his hands in defeat. He asked the next question:

\- Ice cream or cake?

\- Hmmm… Ice cream. No, cake. Oh, you know what: ice cream with cookie dough in it.

\- I see, the lady wants it all! he laughed.

\- Tea or coffee?

\- Would I be banned from British citizenship if I said coffee?

\- Probably, she smirked.

\- Ok, doesn’t matter, I have Irish and Scottish roots anyway. So, coffee. But good coffee. You?

\- Tea, always. I hate coffee. I guess I’m really British. City or countryside?

\- To live or to visit?

\- To live.

\- Medium-sized city sounds good to me. Like here. I wouldn’t like to live in London.

\- Yeah, me neither. So… I already know about your musical tastes, so how about movies: action or romcom?

John looked at her playfully:

\- What do you think?

She pretended to think hard about it:

\- Hmmm, let me think. I’ll go with romcom. You know, big fluffy Teddy bear and all.

\- Ahah, and you’d be right.

\- So what’s your all-time favorite romcom?

\- I’d have to say… Notting Hill. You know, cheesy love songs and all that kind of things.

\- Of course.

\- And, Julia Roberts’s name in it, is Anna. So now I love it even more. What about you, what kind of movies do you like?

\- I do like romcoms too, and also thrillers, or historical movies. And of course, animated movies. I’m a big Disney/Pixar fan. There’s a bunch of nice cheesy songs in those too.

\- So, which one’s your favorite?

\- Pixar era, I’d have to say Inside Out. Oldies, I’ll go with the Lion King. Cause you know, the songs… Circle of Life and everything.

\- Oh, yes, I like it too.

\- I also love Beauty and the Beast. I can sing the songs by heart on both.

\- I want to hear that one day. So, next question?

Anna considered for a moment.

\- Summer or winter?

\- Definitely not winter: my knee hates the cold.

\- Christmas or Halloween?

\- Christmas. That’s the only nice thing in winter. Since the cheesy…

\- Yeah, the cheesy songs, I get it, she laughed.

\- You know I’m quite relieved you haven’t yet asked me to choose between food or sex…

Anna flushed a bit. She almost gagged on her mouthful of lasagna, but managed to go through.

\- Well, too late, now you have to answer, she said rising her eyebrows.

\- In fact, it’s been such a long time, that’s not really fair to answer now. I’ll have to withhold my answer until I have some fresh data. What about you?

\- Hum, since my recent experience, I would have to say food. No food forces you to eat it when you’re not hungry. But then, maybe one day you’ll make me change my mind.

\- We’ll have to see about that.

Anna seemed suddenly unsettled. She looked down.

\- John…

\- Hey, Anna, sweetheart, look at me. That was just small talk. I know you need some time, I’m not expecting anything of you right now. Relax darling.

She smiled gingerly. They had emptied their plates, so John started collecting their dirty dishes.

\- How about we hit the couch and eat dessert with a movie?

\- Sure, good idea. What are we watching?

\- Notting Hill? Or the Lion King?

\- Why not Notting Hill, I haven’t seen it in a long time.

\- Did you see it in the cinema when it was first released?

\- Er… No… since I was like ten years-old at that time?

\- Oh… man… that hurts, said John crunching his face.

He had for a moment forgotten how much older he was.

They settled in the couch, snuggled against each other, eating the home-made brownie John had prepared, with a scoop of vanilla ice. “Cake AND ice-cream”, had boasted John laughingly when he handed Anna her plate. They played John’s Notting Hill DVD, laughing at the “surreal but nice” part, and trying hard not to notice one another’s shining eyes when Anna Scott told William Thacker that she was “also a girl, asking a boy to love her”. When the movie was over, John made Anna a cup of tea, and a decaff for himself, and they kept on talking about everything and anything, marveling about how they would soon be co-workers again, and discussing their future trip to London to meet John’s mother. To her own amazement, Anna felt light and relaxed. There was no nervousness, no fear. She could just be herself, and everything was fine. It seemed to her that the whole evening had passed in a few minutes, when John looked at his watch and said:

\- Oh my, it’s almost midnight, I should maybe drive you back to Gwen’s.

\- Why, do you fear the carriage will turn back into a pumpkin? she chuckled.

He laughed back:

\- No, no… I just thought you might be tired and wanted to go to bed…

Anna looked at her hands and flushed a little. She was astonished by her own boldness when she heard herself saying:

\- The thing is… I don’t really want to go back to Gwen’s. I feel good with you…

John looked at her, startled.

\- You mean… you want to stay the night?

She looked at him sheepishly and nodded.

\- Er, alright, well you can take my bed, I just changed the sheets yesterday, and I’ll sleep on the couch.

John showed her the way, lent her a T-shirt for the night, and found an unused toothbrush in the bathroom closet for her to use. When she was all set, he gently kissed her goodnight.

\- Do you have everything you need? I’ll be in the living-room if there's anything.

\- Thank you John. I had a wonderful evening.

He smiled and closed the door, turning back to the living-room. He sat on the couch with his blanket and sighed. Was she asking for more? Should he have suggested to stay with her? At least he had no weird roommate to comment on him wasting his opportunity, he thought.

In the bedroom, Anna was sitting on the bed, somewhat frustrated. She was grateful for John being such a gentleman and not pushing his presence on her, but what good was it to spend the night if he wasn’t beside her? She did not crave for anything more right now, but for his warm presence alongside her in the bed. After a while, she got up and quietly went back to the living-room. She called softly to him:

\- John?

He swiftly turned around:

\- Yes love? What is it?

She looked quite embarrassed, and whispered:

\- Well, I’m… I’m feeling quite lonely out there…

He raised his eyebrows.

\- Do you want me to… Anna Smith, are you Anna-Scott’ing me?

She laughed at the reference.

\- I might be…

When he came close to her and made to kiss her, she stopped him, putting a finger on his lips.

\- But…

\- Yes dear?

\- Would you come sleep with me? You know, just hold me and sleep together? Can you do just that?

\- Of course I can.

\- Thank you.

And she took his hand, leading him back to the bedroom.

A while later, as she was comfortably tucked into his arms, and quietly drifting into sleep, John marveled at the fact that she had felt safe enough tonight to invite him to share a bed with her. They were taking baby steps, but they were steadily moving forward. Of course he was dying to undress her, to get to know her whole body, to worship her with his mouth, his hands and all his own body. But he knew that they had to do things at her own pace, that she was not to be hurried on her path as she was slowly rebuilding her self-confidence and her trust in a man. Anna Smith was sleeping in his arms. He could ruffle his nose in her hair and take in her sweet perfume, and listen to her steady breathing. For now, it was enough to content him.

* * *

Next Monday morning saw Anna triumphantly walking down Downton’s hallway, taking her first shift as a nurse in the unit that had seen her grow up. She had taken possession of her studio the previous week-end, moving all her stuff out of Gwen’s apartment. Some boxes still stayed stored at Mary’s, as the studio wasn’t big enough to fit everything in. Everyone beamed at her when she entered the nurse’s room, even if she briefly wondered to which extent they were beaming at her being back, or at O’Brien’s leaving. Mrs Hughes welcomed her warmly, opening her arms to her:

\- Welcome back Anna! I’m so glad to have you back.

\- Thank you Mrs Hughes, she answered joyfully.

John discreetly shot her a loving smile. It was public knowledge that the two of them were dating, but they were not going to let their personal relationship get into the way of their professional duties. Anna quickly took back her old marks, even if her duties were not the same as before. And she felt good, knowing that the staff was adequately balanced with the workload, and that if she ever needed to ask for help, friendly faces would be there to answer her questions.

John and Anna established a new kind of routine, sometimes sharing their work shifts, sometimes not. Anna often spent nights at John’s apartment, but whenever she needed breathing space, she went back to her studio. They spent every shared day off together, although there weren’t so many of them. That was the down side of both being nurses in the same unit: it was difficult to get time off together. That was one of the reasons for which they had to postpone several times their trip to London: it was extra-complicated for Mrs Hughes to arrange four days off in a row for the two of them at the same time.

Anna had been back at Downton for a few weeks, when the staff decided to take all the unit’s patients outside for tea in the park, on a bright sunny afternoon. Gathered on the lawn, overviewing the pond, enjoying the warm breeze, a troop of disabled people of all sorts were chatting with the staff and picking cakes or sandwiches from the table that had been laid out for the occasion. Some were walking on their own, some with sticks, or crutches, or walkers, some were self-pushing their own wheelchair, some where being pushed by staff or other patients. John was discussing life with a disability with a small group of young patients. When they arrived at Downton, the patients’ spirits were usually very low, as they had not yet had time to adjust to their wounds, and didn’t know what would heal or not, and if they would or not stay permanently impaired. They frequently thought that the best part of their lives was over, because many of the goals they had before their accident were not reachable anymore. So John frequently shared his own story as a wounded ex-soldier, without getting too far into the specific details, but as a purpose to show them that you could be disabled and still have a happy and fulfilling life. While he was once again in the midst of that kind of discussion with those three young people, he saw in a distance that Anna, who was at the table serving tea, was being approached by another young patient, a boy in his late teens, who was walking with two crutches. The boy had taken the trouble to pick up a bunch of wildflowers in the meadow, and was offering them to Anna, whom he called his “favorite nurse” with a shy smile. Anna accepted them kindly:

\- Oh thank you Jared, they are beautiful!

She looked sideways towards John, and shot him a bemused smile when she saw his raised eyebrows, in a pretend-shocked face. A moment later, John joined Anna and whispered in her ear playfully:

\- So, Miss Smith, you seem to be quite successful. Should I worry about the competition?

\- Silly beggar… Poor boy, he’s got a crush on me… but he’s a baby!

\- You know, there are less years between you and him than between you and me, he smirked.

\- I guess you’re right, she acknowledged. Anyway, she shrugged, it’s strange how I seem to attract people with crutches!

They both laughed.

\- Will you be coming tonight? asked John.

\- Yes, I will, she answered smiling.

\- I’m looking forward to it, he whispered with a gleam in his eyes, before turning away to attend to another patient.

Anna thought to herself about John’s light reaction to the boy’s gift, thinking that Alex in the same situation would have thrown a real jealousy tantrum…

* * *

Later that night, Anna and John were settling together in John’s bed, in the same fashion that they had for the last few weeks. There was an unspoken agreement between them, that John would not cross any further step until Anna had expressly asked him to, or given permission. So he had been holding her to sleep a few times a week for about two months. That night Anna felt that she needed more. Not a full physical relationship, she still felt too fragile for that, but some more physical contact seemed appealing. So when John had settled and opened his arms for her, she came very close to him, and started to kiss him. She ran her fingers lightly through his hair then around his ear until her hand rested on the side of his neck. She nestled her head on the other side of his neck, and whispered in his ear:

\- John?

\- Yes love?

\- Touch me please.

He sucked in a sharp breath.

\- … Touch you?

\- Yes, you know, like… cuddling, stroking.

\- Oh, alright, sure. I’d love that.

He gave her back her kiss, and their tongues quickly met each other, as John’s hands started very gently and slowly exploring her body. She was wearing a spaghetti-strapped top with a boxer. He passed his hands lightly first on her shoulders and arms and on the part of her back that was exposed above her top. At the beginning he didn’t dare venture under the fabric to her lower back, or her belly, or the more intimate places. Her hands, on the contrary, had found their way under his T-shirt, exploring his chest and the soft hair that was covering it, alternatively with his back. He spent a fair amount of time drawing a path with light kisses around her neck, and collarbones, which earned him muffled sighs of contentment. After a while, he tentatively asked:

\- Darling? Would you like to take your top off?

She didn’t answer right away, and he started cursing himself for having broken the moment, when she said softly:

\- No… not yet. But I would like it if you took your T-shirt off, so that I have more space to kiss.

He gladly obliged, while she shifted the fabric of her top upwards, to give him access to her belly and lower back, but still covering her chest.

\- This I can do.

\- This I can appreciate, he said, crouching to bring his head level with her belly and starting to kiss it.

She whimpered a bit at the tickling sensation, and slowly, discreetly, started growing inside her a sensation that she had not felt for a very long time, if she had ever felt it at all. She continued stroking John’s head and shoulders, until he rose again to kiss her mouth, and pull her close to him while stroking her back. Being held so tightly against him, she could feel his arousal hard on her thigh. She suddenly realized how frustrating this situation must be for him, being enticed this way and then denied to go further. She despised herself for not being able to offer him more. She broke the kiss and hid her face into his neck.

\- Stop, stop, please.

\- What’s wrong sweetie?

\- Nothing… It’s just… I feel bad for you, getting you excited like that and then nothing more… I’m ashamed of doing this to you.

\- Don’t you worry about me Anna. I’ll survive to that! I’ve enjoyed it very much in fact. I couldn’t ask you to run before you can walk. We are moving forward and I’m proud of you for that.

She chuckled and kissed his jaw.

\- Do you ever stop being so perfect?

\- I don’t know, maybe we can discuss that topic again in twenty years…

She settled in the crook of his arm, resting her head on his shoulder.

\- You know, I’m really looking forward to this London trip. Four whole days, just the two of us.

\- Erm… Don’t you forget my mother? Because that’s sort of the reason we are going there in the first place?

She laughed.

\- Oops, sorry. But I mean, no patients, no co-workers, and time to stroll about on our own…

\- That sure will be nice. Hang on, it’s only a month away. Now maybe we should sleep, because there sure will be patients and co-workers tomorrow morning.

\- You’re right. Goodnight.

She kissed his lips gently.

\- Goodnight my sweet darling.

\- John?

\- Yes?

\- Thank you so much for being so patient with me. Really.

\- I love you Anna. That’s all there is to it.

\- I love you too. But still.

She closed her eyes and soon fell asleep against his chest.

* * *

Anna, Gwen and Mary had gone back to their old habit of having tea and chatting in Mary’s office whenever the unit was quiet. Among other topics, John and Anna’s relationship often came back on the table. That afternoon, while Mary was pouring the water into their mugs, Gwen asked curiously:

\- So… Anna, come on, tell us, how is it… you know… in bed?

Seeing Anna flushing a deep shade of red, Mary scowled the younger girl:

\- Gwen! Really, you’re too curious for your own good!

Looking intently at the bottom of her mug, Anna mumbled:

\- If you really need to know, we haven’t yet, technically…

Gwen’s mouth fell open and the spoon she was holding dropped on the table:

\- Are you serious? I mean, you’ve been together for months! You’re going to London in two weeks to meet his mother, and you haven’t yet had sex?! Are you living in 1916 or what? she laughed

Anna looked very nervous, flushing even darker.

\- Come on Gwen, leave her alone! snapped Mary.

Anna then took a deep breath, and shot a piercing look at her friend, tears threatening in her eyes.

\- You know what Gwen? That’s nothing to laugh about! Do you think this is a choice of ours? Do you remember last time we discussed me having sex with Alex? Do you think I’m happy that my ex-boyfriend wrecked me up so bad that I can’t have a free and spontaneous relationship with the man I love so much? I would like more than anything to have sex with him, but right now, I can’t! You don’t know how it is like, the images, the sounds, the physical sensations that come rushing through my body and brain at any unexpected moment! It’s awful. I would like so much to be able to give him everything he deserves…

Tears were now rolling down her cheeks. Mary came close to her and put a sympathetic hand on her arm.

\- It’s not your fault Anna. You’re having PTSD symptoms. It’ll get better with time. I assume John is understanding?

\- He is patience made human. And we are going forward, slowly. We’ll get there. I just wish it would go faster.

\- Have you ever thought of getting counseling? It could help you.

Gwen had kept silent since Anna’s outburst, and seemed quite ashamed of herself. She approached her friend and offered her a hug:

\- I’m very very sorry Anna. I should not have teased. I’m a fool, I didn’t realize how it was for you. Please forgive me?

\- Of course I forgive you, Anna smiled, hugging her back.

* * *

A few days later, after having spent the evening going over the details of their incoming trip to London, John had gone to shower, and Anna was settling herself in bed with her book. In a surge of boldness, she took off her T-shirt, and snuggled under the sheets, wearing only her boxer. She tucked the blanket tightly under her arms, waiting for John to come back from the bathroom. When he did, he casually put his own T-shirt on and made to join her in the bed. He froze in mid-movement when he noticed that her shoulders were completely bared. A rush of heat went through him as he realized how she was under the blanket. He pulled his T-shirt off right away.

\- Hmmm, sweetheart, he said appreciatively, were you so hot?

She smirked at him.

\- I wanted to surprise you.

\- Well, that’s… very nice, he said, kissing the crook of her neck. Am I allowed to look underneath the blanket?

Strangely she was feeling more nervous about him seeing her naked than about him touching her under the sheets. She slowly breathed in, and answered:

\- Alright, but put your light off first.

She felt more comfortable when only the dim light of her own bedside lamp was left. When he had done so, he slowly pulled the blanket downwards, revealing her upper body down to her hips. Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink, and she shot him a shy smile. He pulled her tightly against his chest, kissing her fiercely. The soft brushing of his chest hair against her bare breasts made her shiver. She engaged back in the kiss, while her hands roamed on his shoulders and back. When they parted from the kiss, John whispered in her ear:

\- Is it OK for me to touch you? I mean, there?

\- Yes, I want to try, she whispered back.

\- Alright, and what about kissing there?

\- You can too.

\- Oh my… Christmas is coming early this year, he chuckled.

She laughed softly, closing her eyes as she surrendered herself to his hands and mouth. He took time to stroke her gently, first on the less intimate parts, approaching her breasts very slowly. She inhaled sharply when he first passed his fingers lightly on them, circling around her nipples without touching them. When he had made sure that this step was cleared and that she gave no sign of discomfort, he ventured further and started gently massaging one nipple. A surprised moan of pleasure escaped her throat, and she whispered:

\- Oh my, this is good…

Seeing that she seemed to enjoy his ministrations, he bent down and found her other breast with his mouth. She wriggled at the sweetness of his touch and at the sensations that were awakening her whole body. She arched her body to meet him more closely. After a while of this treatment, he felt daring, and his hand went stroking her belly, then went very slowly down, until it found the fabric of her boxer. He didn’t venture under it, because he knew that she had kept it on on purpose, but leaving her nipple for a second, he asked:

\- Can I touch you there? Above the fabric?

She sighed and nodded, as she spread her legs a little to grant him more access. His mouth went back to her nipple. He started passing his hand softly between her legs. When he deliberately rubbed a little harder through the fabric just where her most secret spot was, she let out a muffled cry.

\- Oh God John…

\- Hmmm? he mouthed without leaving her breast. Do you like that darling?

\- Oh, I do, she whispered.

He lifted his head to come kiss her under her ear, while still stroking her downstairs.

\- My naughty girl… he said nibbling on her earlobe.

At those words, a storm broke out inside her brain. Suddenly she was not here and now anymore, but there and then, and she could feel Alex’s beer-stained breath on her mouth, and his hands tightly holding her down. “You know you want it, you naughty girl”. She let out a sob, and fiercely pushed away a stunned John. She stormed out of the bed and the room, grabbing the first piece of clothing she could lay her hand upon. John stayed frozen, struggling to understand what had just happened. He let a few minutes pass, then got up and put his T-shirt on. He found her on the balcony, sobbing her eyes out, her head hidden in her hands. He slowly came beside her, and called out to her softly:

\- Anna… What have I said, darling, what have I said? Or is it something I’ve done?

She shook her head desperately.

\- You’ve not done anything wrong. It’s not your fault. It’s just… those last words you said in my ear... he often used them when he… you know… when he forced me.

Her voice was barely audible by the end of her sentence.

\- So when you said the same words, of course I know you didn’t mean any harm, but it triggered me... I felt everything all over again.

John took her in his arms, resting her head on his chest.

\- Oh Lord, Anna, I’m so sorry. I promise you I will never ever say that again.

He rocked her gently from side to side, while tenderly stroking her hair. She clenched her fist and lightly hit on John’s chest.

\- I am so sick of him ruining every good moment we share! This is so unfair. I want to live normally, I want to go forward, and he only just drags me backwards.

\- I know, darling, I know. But we were doing so good just before it happened. Maybe we could try and prevent such triggering. Can you think of anything else I should avoid to do or say?

She considered his question for a while.

\- Please never come onto me while I’m in the shower.

\- Alright, well, I don’t think I would have even thought of doing that, but now I’ll know not to. Anything else?

\- Don’t drink beer.

\- I surely won’t.

\- Don’t ride a motorbike.

\- I couldn’t if I wanted to.

\- Generally speaking, avoid hitting me, insulting me, psychologically abusing me… and of course raping me.

\- That I think I can do, he said, holding her tighter.

She circled his waist with her arms and breathed in deeply his manly scent.

\- We will manage, won’t we John?

\- I know we will darling.

\- Oh Lord I never want to leave this place.

\- What, here on the balcony? he asked, bemused.

\- No… Right here in the shelter of your arms.

\- Alright, but… that won’t be much practical to cook, or got to work, he smirked.

She chuckled softly.

\- Silly beggar…

\- Yes I am. I am your silly beggar, for all eternity.

They stayed silent for a while, until Anna raised her wet face to John and said:

\- You know, the other day, Mary suggested that I should see a counselor. You know, to address my PTSD.

\- And what do you think?

\- I think I’ll try. Maybe I do need professional help to move on.

\- Alright, if you think this is the right thing for you, then you should do it. Shall we go back to bed now?

Moments later, when they were snuggled together in the bed, Anna asked:

\- Did you suffer from PTSD after Irak?

\- I did. Badly. That’s what brought me to alcohol and drugs. You know, to soothe the anxiety, the nightmares, the reminiscences. I don’t recommend.

\- Yeah, counseling seems a better way.

\- It is indeed. I finally got to see a counselor while I was in prison. It helped a lot.

\- Do you still experience some PTSD symptoms?

\- No, not anymore. Maybe if I found myself back into a war zone, you know, or a shooting, it might come back, I don’t know. But in daily life, no.

\- So I can hope too. If only Alex would stop following me around…

\- Don’t you want to report him?

\- I didn't want to lose time or energy at the police station. I’ve read testimonies of women who tried to sue their abusive partners. It’s usually not very effective. I figured he would get bored and let go off me after a while. But he doesn’t seem to yet… So maybe if he goes on, I will, in the end.

\- I’ll support you whatever you choose to do. But I also wish he would leave you in peace.

\- I know darling. I love you. Goodnight. Tomorrow’s a new day.

\- Goodnight, he said kissing her on her forehead.


	12. The art of mending

It was only a few days before John and Anna’s departure to London. John was home on a day off, going over the last minute details of their trip, while Anna was working at Downton. The day had been going smoothly and quite uneventfully. Anna was high-spirited, thrilled with happy anticipation over their approaching trip. She was humming to herself as she changed back into civilian’s clothes in the locker room. She passed Mrs Hughes’s open office door on her way out, and happily waved to her:

\- Goodbye Mrs Hughes! See you tomorrow.

\- See you Anna, responded the older woman with a warm smile.

Anna had just crossed Downton’s entrance and started making her way down to the bus stop, when she felt someone pulling hard on her arm from behind. She startled and let out a small cry when she found herself face to face with Alex.

\- Alex, for God’s sake, you scared the hell out of me! Will you stop following me! I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. To. You.!

\- Anna, babe, please, hear me out at least! I miss you! I love you!

\- God Alex, stop! I don’t want to hear your lies! You don’t love me! And don’t call me babe or anything!

\- Please Anna, he pleaded, putting both his hands on the sides of her face and trying to kiss her.

She fiercely pushed him away, and started hurriedly making her way back into Downton’s building, hoping that he would calm down if there were people looking. She passed the threshold with him tailing her, grabbing her arm again. She shrugged him off, shouting:

\- I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE ALEX!

\- Oh, so this is how you’re taking it! You really are an ungrateful little slut! Aren’t you Anna?! After everything I did for you!

He managed to pin her against a wall, blocking her with his arm under her chin.

\- GET OFF ME ALEX, she bellowed, panic rising inside her.

Could he really hurt her bad? Fortunately, down the hallway, Mrs Hughes had heard Anna’s voice outburst. She picked her phone and went out of her office to see what was going on. She gasped when she saw Alex’s anger-twisted face.

\- Now what is going on here?! Release her at once sir, or I’m calling the police right away!

She turned around towards the inside of the unit and yelled:

\- Thomas! William! Help’s needed here please!

A few seconds later, both men appeared from the nurse’s room.

\- What’s up Mrs Hughes? asked Thomas.

\- We may need some men’s touch to show this man the door, said Mrs Hughes.

Seeing that he was outnumbered, Alex planted his dangerous look into Anna’s eyes, and whispered in her ear:

\- I’ll kill myself Anna. You’ll have my death on your conscience.

\- Please just leave me alone… she cried.

He suddenly released her and turned around to go away. She crumbled on the floor sobbing while her three friends gathered around her to comfort her.

An hour later, Mrs Hughes and Anna were waiting in the lobby of the nearest police station. Mrs Hughes had convinced Anna to go and report Alex’s threats and assault. While they were waiting, Mrs Hughes called John to inform him of their whereabouts and ask him to join them. Anna was still shocked from the incident, and was sitting motionless, gazing unfocused on the wall in front of her. About twenty minutes later, John entered the police station, an anguished look on his face, looking around for Anna. When he saw her, he hurried to her side, calling to her:

\- Oh God Anna, what happened?

When she heard his voice, it was like she came back to the real world. She straightened herself, got up swiftly and threw herself in his arms.

\- Oh John… she cried.

As he had done so many times already, he held her tight, waiting for her to stop crying. Just when she started to calm down, a policeman came out calling:

\- Miss Smith, please?

\- Yes, that’s her, answered John.

\- If you’ll follow me Miss, we will take your deposition.

Anna started to follow the officer, holding on John's hand. John asked the officer:

\- Is it OK if I come with her?

\- If Miss Smith wants you to, I have no objection.

\- Thank you officer.

Mrs Hughes came to them before they disappeared inside the building:

\- I’ll leave you to it. Be brave Anna. But I know you are, she said, fondly squeezing her arms. You take care of her, John.

\- Will do Mrs Hughes. Thank you for everything. Good night.

And they turned away to follow the policeman into his office.

* * *

Later that evening, Anna had gone into John’s bedroom to lie down for a moment while John was cooking dinner. As he was chopping vegetables, he heard his phone beep in his pocket. He wiped his hands and checked it. Anna had sent him a Whatsapp message:

***Dido – Thank you**

**https://youtu.be/1TO48Cnl66w***

He smiled, and put his Bluetooth speaker on to play the song on it, loud enough for Anna to hear in the bedroom.

“ _My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all_

_The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can’t see at all_

_And even if I could it’d all be gray, but your picture on my wall_

_It reminds me that it’s not so bad, it’s not so bad_

_I drank last night, got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain_

_I missed the bus and there’ll be hell today, I’m late for work again_

_And even if I’m there they’ll all imply that I might not last the day_

_And then you call me, and it’s not so bad, it’s not so bad_

_And I want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life_

_And oh, just to be with you, is having the best day of my life_

_Push the door I’m home at last, and I’m soaking through and through_

_Then you’re handing me a towel, and all I see is you_

_And even if me house falls down now, I wouldn’t have a clue,_

_Because you’re near me_

_And I want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life_

_And oh, just to be with you, is having the best day of my life”_

When the song was over, he launched “Fix You”, and went back to Whatsapp:

***I know I already used that one,**

**but it is so appropriate.**

“ **Tears streaming down your face**

**I promise you**

**I will learn from my mistakes**

**Lights will guide you home**

**And ignite your bones**

**And I will try to fix you”**

**I love you Anna***

He went back to chopping the vegetables, when a few minutes later, he felt Anna’s hands sliding on his back and around his waist. She hugged him from behind, the side of her face resting against his shoulder-blades. She sighed and murmured:

\- You’re doing a good job you know. Fixing me. If only the other guy didn’t keep shattering me all over again every other day.

\- Well I hope the police will find a way to make him stop. I wouldn’t like to have to kill him.

Anna retrieved her arms from around him, and made him turn around, looking worried:

\- You’re joking right? Because I really don’t need you being taken away from me on murder charges.

Seeing that she was really distressed, John put his hands on her shoulders and said:

\- Of course I’m joking sweetie. I would never do that. I’m sorry, it wasn’t funny. I shouldn’t have joked about that.

She slowly breathed out.

\- You know I often dream about him being dead. Earlier he threatened to kill himself and told me I would have his death on my conscience.

\- Oh God, I’m so sorry, it must have been so awful to hear that. But Anna, seriously, even if he ever does such a thing, you do know that you will bear no responsibility whatsoever? It is his choice and his own only.

\- Yes… I keep telling me that.

\- I hope you believe it. Come on, let’s eat, you must be starving after all this.

\- Not really, but I’ll try to eat a bit anyway.

* * *

Anna was seated nestled against John’s shoulder int the train that was finally taking them to London. In the last few days since she had gone to the police, they had taken her old phone to collect proof of the countless harassing texts, calls, voice messages and mails Alex had sent her since she’d left him. He had been taken into custody and interrogated, then released with a temporary restraining order forbidding him to go near her. She only hoped it would not make him even angrier and more aggressive, and she was glad to be able to get away from York for a few days.

They had decided to sleep in a hotel near Margaret's apartment, since her flat was too small to accommodate three people. John lifted his eyes from the book he was reading, and turned to her, taking her hand:

\- Are you alright darling? Do you think you’ll manage to relax and enjoy our trip?

Anna smiled to him:

\- Oh I bloody well intend to. I’m not letting him control my life anymore.

He smiled back, and kissed her hand:

\- I like that spirit.

They had planned to go straight to their hotel to drop their bags off, then go and meet John’s mother at her apartment, where she was waiting for them for tea time. At five o’clock, having freshened themselves up at the hotel, John and Anna where knocking at Margaret’s door. She beamed at them when she let them into her flat:

\- John! Anna! I am so glad to see you. Come this way! Please, give me your coats.

She gave her son a hug, ruffling through his hair:

\- Oh my boy! It’s been such a long time! You’re so handsome!

\- Hello Mother, I’m happy to see you too.

She turned to Anna, detailing her appearance from head to toes and hugging her too:

\- And Anna… I’ve heard so much about you! I’m so glad to meet you at last. How gorgeous you look my dear!

Anna flushed a little and gave the old woman her hug back, while John winked at her from behind.

\- Hello Mrs Bates. So nice to meet you too.

\- Oh please, call me Margaret! she said, pinching Anna’s cheek.

\- Alright… Margaret.

The three of them sat in her small sitting room, where Margaret had laid everything for tea. She had baked enough scones, biscuits and sandwiches to feed the whole neighborhood. After making small talk for a moment about their trip and the weather in London, she asked Anna:

\- So, dear, tell me, how did you two meet?

\- At work. I was working at Downton when John came there too. We hit off from the start. We were good friends at first. I was a nursing assistant back then. I was studying to qualify as a nurse and he offered to help me. And he really did help me a lot. After that I went to nursing school for eighteen months, so we didn’t see much of each other for a while. But then I came back to Downton as a nurse, and we started dating.

John was listening to her, admiring how she’d made their story sound like it had all gone smoothly. But Margaret asked for more details:

\- But what took you so long, why didn’t you keep in touch while you were at nursing school?

John was starting to worry that Anna would feel coerced into giving some personal details that she wasn’t really willing to share.

\- Mother, please… he started.

But Anna cut him:

\- I was… involved with someone else at that time.

\- Oooh, nodded Margaret with a knowing look. I understand.

Anna smiled politely, thinking that she probably did not understand at all. But then she remembered John telling him about his abusive father, and thought that sometimes in the future, when Margaret and she would know each other better, maybe she would confide in her.

A while later, when John had left them alone to go to the bathroom, Margaret leaned towards Anna, and squeezed her hand:

\- So, Anna, you seem like a very nice girl to me. Tell me, is my boy treating you well?

Anna smiled fondly at her:

\- Oh don’t worry Margaret, he is. He is the finest gentleman I have ever met. I love him so much.

\- I’m so glad to hear that. An old woman can’t help but worry. But I can tell you from how he speaks of you, he loves you very much too.

Anna smiled even brighter and squeezed her hand back.

\- You raised him well Margaret.

\- Oh, I did what I could. But life raised him the hard way.

\- So he told me, yes.

They left Margaret’s flat later in the evening after having eaten dinner with her, and promised to come back the next day. John had insisted to take her out to a fancy restaurant. She didn’t want to go out to dinner, arguing that she was too old and tired to go to bed so late, so they had agreed on luncheon. John and Anna were leisurely walking hand in hand towards their hotel. Anna looked at John, smiling, and said:

\- You were right, your mother is a very nice person. I like her a lot.

\- That makes me very happy, answered John, pulling her hand up to his mouth and kissing it.

\- So, what are we doing tomorrow, after lunch with her?

\- We’ll have the afternoon to ourselves, and then in the evening, I’m treating you with a surprise.

\- Really? What is it?

\- What I just said: a surprise, he smirked. You’ll see tomorrow.

She pouted:

\- Oh come on, tell me…

He shook his head stubbornly:

\- It’s in less than twenty-four hours, I gather you can wait that long, he teased.

Back at the hotel, they had settled into bed and started making out. They were respectively exploring each other’s body with their hands and mouth, the two of them taking shared pleasure in the process. John uttered a pleading moan when she let her hand linger on the front of his underpants, feeling him harden under her touch.

\- Soon, darling, I promise, she whispered in his ear.

\- You don’t have to promise anything Anna, you know that, he whispered back. We’ll do it when you’re ready.

\- I know. But I think I’ll be ready soon.

-That’s great news.

Once again they fell asleep holding each other.

* * *

They spent a very good time having luncheon with Margaret. She told them she had not eaten in a restaurant for many years, and marveled at everything around her, which made them laugh. She entertained them with funny anecdotes about John’s childhood and teen age, which made him flush crimson a few times, under Anna’s amused look. She was amazed to notice how naturally the conversation was flowing between Margaret and her, considering that they had just met the previous day. She felt some kind of emotional connection with the old lady, as if they had known each other for a long time. She thought how nice it would be to finally have some kind of family, and how the old woman would make a marvelous grandmother. She felt a rush of heat through her when that thought crossed her mind. She hadn’t event yet made love with John and there she was thinking about Margaret being a grandmother… Maybe she was seeing a little too far in the future. She shrugged the thought off, and smiled at John and Margaret while trying to catch up with what was being said.

When lunch was over, they walked Margaret back to her flat. They had to walk very slowly to keep up with her. John couldn’t help but worry at how tired his mother looked, and how she seemed to become breathless for a very small amount of physical exercise. Even walking slowly through the park seemed to be taxing her. They saw her safely into her apartment, settled her into her best armchair, before bidding her goodbye for the day. When they were back in the street, John asked Anna:

\- So, what would you like to do this afternoon? Hyde Park? London Eye? The Tower of London? Shopping in Oxford Street?

\- Hmmm I don’t care much about shopping, she said, frowning.

\- Thank God, I hate it, laughed John.

\- Oh, I know, she burst happily, let’s go wander in Notting Hill! Try to find the house with the blue door! Do you think we have time for that before your surprise?

\- I think so, yes, he smiled. Alright, let’s go.

After a good deal of wandering (maybe a bit too much for John’s knee), they sat in a small Indian restaurant to have a light dinner. When they had both emptied their plates, John looked at his watch and said:

\- I think it is surprise o’clock. Let’s go. We’re headed for Covent Garden.

When they got out of the tube, John guided Anna down a few streets, then stopped on the pavement.

\- Alright, now close your eyes.

\- Oh really John… she sighed.

\- Come on, close your eyes!

She reluctantly obliged, and he took her hand to lead her a bit further. He stopped her, stood behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. He then whispered in her ear:

\- Now darling, open your eyes.

She did, and let out a small shriek of joy and astonishment. They were standing in front of the Lyceum Theater. Above its front doors, a big colorful sign read: “The Lion King – The Musical”. She turned around and jumped into John’s arms, almost knocking him down.

\- Oh my God John, thank you, this is soooo coooool!!

\- I gather you like my idea?

\- It is the best idea EVER! She laughed, kissing him everywhere on his face.

He had to put her down, laughing:

\- Now, sweetie, calm down, people are staring…

\- Are they? Because I really don’t care! she exclaimed joyously.

She was shivering with anticipation, when the were seated and waiting for the show to begin. She leaned upon John and whispered to him:

\- Thank you so much darling, I’m so happy!

\- You’re welcome love. Enjoy.

The lights went out, and when the first song started, they were lost to the world outside:

“ _Nants ingonyama bagithi baba, Sithi uhm ingonyama  
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba, Sithi uhhmm ingonyama  
Ingonyama, Siyo Nqoba, Ingonyama_

_Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (se-to-kwa!)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (asana)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (se-to-kwa!)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (se-to-kwa!)_

_From the day we arrive on the planet, and blinking, step into the sun  
There's more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done  
There's far too much to take in here, more to find than can ever be found  
But the sun rolling high, through the sapphire sky  
Keeps great and small on the endless round_

_It's the circle of life, and it moves us all  
Through despair and hope, through faith and love  
'Til we find our place, on the path unwinding  
In the circle, the circle of life”_

Two and a half hours later, they were walking down the street towards the tube, stars still flickering in their eyes. John looked at Anna, who was glowing with joy, and noticed that happiness suited her very well.

\- So, did you like it?

\- Oh John, it was so wonderful. You know, I think today has been the happiest day of my life so far.

\- Oh my. Well I hope tomorrow and the following days, and months, and years will deliver competition.

She laughed, and squeezed his arm.

\- You see, when I think of my life before you, and now with you, I feel like I was not really living. I feel like I have wasted so much time…

\- Don’t dwell on that sweetheart. Let’s just focus on making the best of what we have now.

\- Yes, you’re right…

And she pulled him into a kiss.

\- Hey, Hakuna Matata? he laughed, when they broke the kiss.

\- “It’s our problem-free philosophy”… If only it were true, she sighed.

* * *

The next morning, after sleeping late, Anna and John decided to go picnic in Hyde Park. They weren’t supposed to meet Margaret until tea-time, so they had some time ahead of them. They were walking to the nearest supermarket to buy their picnic, when Anna suddenly stopped in front of a newspaper stall, like hypnotized by The Sun front page: “Woman, 30, stabbed to death by ex-partner”. John came behind her, and when he noticed what she was looking at, put an arm around her shoulder and tried to turn her away:

\- Lord, Anna, you shouldn’t be reading such things, he whispered.

She closed her eyes, sighed and followed him away from the stall.

\- I don’t know. You know, I sometimes wonder if I will not end up as one of those news titles.

John stopped walking, stood in front of her, tilting her chin up with his hand to look her deep in the eyes:

\- I promise you, that nothing bad will ever happen to you, ever again.

\- I hope that’s true, she said with a small smile.

\- We’ll sit by the fire, with all our children around us, and I’ll make certain that you are safe.

She chuckled, her cheeks suddenly feeling hot. So he had thought about children too! She was not the only one projecting in the far future. She looked back at him, smiling, picked a small loose thread on the front of his jacket, and answered sheepishly:

\- Actually, I’m not sure about having children “all around us”, how many are you planning on Mr Bates?

He laughed softly and kissed her on her forehead. They started walking again. After a while, Anna talked again:

\- Those were very sweet words, but you can’t be near me all the time.

\- I know. I wish I could though. I feel bad for not having been there the other day.

\- But you see, this is not right! I shouldn’t need you to be near me all the time to make sure I’m safe. I should be able to walk free and live my life without protection! God, why do men do this to women!

\- I don’t know love. I myself often feel ashamed for my fellow men’s behavior. But you are right. You shouldn’t need me at your side all the time.

They continued their walk, and finally entered Hyde Park. They quietly strolled down the alleys, enjoying the scenery, watching families with kids playing, joggers running, squirrels crossing from tree to tree. They finally chose to settle on a bench near Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, overlooking the Serpentine. Anna had just sat and started putting their groceries out, when her phone started ringing. She took it from her jacket’s pocket and frowned when she saw the unknown incoming number. She got up and walked a few steps away from the bench.

\- Hello?

\- Hello, is this Miss Smith?

\- This is she.

\- Officer Powells, from York police.

John was still sitting on the bench, watching her from the distance, seeing only her back. He couldn’t hear what she was saying. The exchange was brief, and Anna hung up her phone, and stood there motionless, blankly staring at it. He started worrying at her lack of reaction, and called out softly to her:

\- Anna darling? Are you alright?

She slowly turned around to face him. He noticed right away that she was very pale and looked utterly shocked. Worry rose a stage further into John.

\- Anna, what’s wrong? Talk to me!

The phone suddenly dropped from her hand. She looked into his eyes with an empty gaze, and whispered:

\- Alex is dead.

Then her legs stopped supporting her, and she crumbled on the grass, sobbing.

\- What the… exclaimed John, rushing to her side.

He went down on his knee with difficulty, to comfort her and help her up.

\- Come on sweetie, come sit on the bench.

He lead her back to the bench, pushing the picnic aside. She looked at him, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. She kept repeating, as if to convince herself of the reality of the situation:

\- It’s over. I am free. I am free.

John looked quite bewildered. He waited for her to collect herself a bit, and asked:

\- But how can he be dead?

\- That was a police officer. Said he crashed his motorbike on the highway yesterday evening.

\- Oh Lord…

A small nervous laugh mixed in with the tears.

\- I am free! We are free! He will never come after me ever again! Oh God I can’t believe I will never see his face again.

\- I know we’re not supposed to rejoice over someone’s death but… let’s just say he won’t be missed.

John got up again, and went to retrieve Anna’s phone they had left behind on the ground. Fortunately it was not broken, having fallen on the grass. He went back to the bench, handed it back to Anna, sat beside her and passed his arm around her shoulders.

\- Are you OK sweetheart?

Anna slowly and deeply breathed in and out.

\- I think so. It’s just so … sudden. Unexpected.

Her hand suddenly shot to cover her mouth while she turned to him, horror-struck:

\- Do you think he did it on purpose?! He threatened to kill himself…

John took the hand she was holding in front of her mouth and brought it to his own mouth, to kiss it.

\- Darling. We will never know. No one will ever know. And it doesn’t matter. None of this is your fault, you know that.

She briefly closed her eyes.

\- Yes. You’re right.

They sat in silence for a while, slowly letting the news sink in. At last, John broke the silence:

\- Anna? Can I ask you a question?

\- Of course.

\- I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but… I would like to understand. How did a bright, clever and kind young woman like you end up with a man like him?

She closed her eyes, and didn’t answer for a moment. So that was it. If she wanted to answer his question, she had to tell him about her past. All her past. And see once again the pity in his eyes. Tell him that story, that she had very carefully buried deep inside her. But then, maybe today was to be the day of her catharsis. Maybe if she told everything, once and for all, maybe they could leave it all behind, and start anew. A clean record. Focus on the future. On happiness. She exhaled carefully and started:

\- So, let’s start with the beginning. You know my father was a laborer.

\- And he was killed in an accident at work.

\- Yes, when I was about six, and me and my sister and my mother were left destitute.

\- Until she married again, and your stepfather was an iron worker, I know all of that.

\- Not all of it.

She looked down at her knees, twisting her hands. Her voice was very low, and John had to strain his ears to hear.

\- It wasn’t much at first… Slight touches. Brushing past me. I still remember the smell of the beer on his breath.

John closed his eyes and winced at the thought of what she had had to go through.

\- Couldn’t you tell your mother?

\- She didn’t want to believe it. What would she have done if he’d left? Then, one night, I was seventeen, he kept looking at me, and I knew what was coming. So I fetched a knife from the scullery, and I waited in the dark.

\- Are you saying you killed him? asked John with a horrified look.

\- No! Of course not! I threatened him, and when he wouldn’t stop, I struck him with the blade, but I only cut him.

\- So… he didn’t… get his way?

\- No… He screamed blue murder, so the watch came, but my mother persuaded him to say he slipped and fell and it was an accident. But after this, I couldn’t stay in their house, so I packed a backpack and ran away from home. I slept with some friends for a few nights, but then I couldn’t stay longer, so I took a train to York, since it was the closest city. I guess I hoped to find a job there, but I had no qualification, and I didn’t know where to go. I spent a night in a park. I was so scared. Then the next day, I was in a cafe, and he spotted me. It must have been written all over my face that I was young, lost and desperate. A perfect prey. He was very nice at first. Five years older, funny, good-looking… He had a job, a flat, some money. He offered to take me in. And I had nowhere and no one else to go to, so I went with him. The first two years or so, I was happy. I thought I had found my Prince Charming. I was like mesmerized. There were a few things that bothered me of course, but I dismissed them, I thought it was me being oversensitive. He didn’t turn from Prince Charming to abusive monster in one day. It was an endless series of small steps, each taking me further down the path of abuse. He always managed to make me think it was me not being good enough to him. And well, a few years down the line, you know how it ended. You came around, and you saved my life.

\- I know you would have finally come round without me.

\- Maybe I would. But you gave me something to compare to. How you treated me versus how he treated me. How I felt with you versus how I felt with him. It opened my eyes, and gave me a goal. I had never known an equal and respectful relationship before.

There was a moment’s silence between them. John seemed focused on processing all the new information she had delivered. He felt horrified that she had had to deal with abuse at such a young age. Suddenly, Anna asked flatly :

\- So, are you still willing to get stuck with me, even though I’m damaged goods?

\- What?! Anna, why would you say that?! You’re not damaged goods!

\- But I’m spoiled for you. And I can never be unspoiled.

\- You are not spoiled! You’re made higher to me, and holier because of the suffering you’ve been put through! You have been damaged, in that you’re right. Damaged by those men, damaged by life. But then, so have I. We both have our scars, we’ve both been damaged. But being broken doesn’t have to make you less beautiful. If you allow me, I will spend each remaining day of my life trying to make you feel more beautiful than ever. As beautiful as I see you with my eyes. Inside and outside.

She smiled wearily. John cupped both her cheeks with his hands and planted his eyes deep into hers.

\- You are my soulmate, and I have never been prouder, nor loved you more than I love you now at this moment.

\- Truly?

\- Truly.

And he slowly bent forward to kiss her lips. She wiped her eyes, and said softly :

\- You are a miracle from heaven.

He chuckled, then turned to point out at the discarded picnic.

\- We should eat, it’s getting late, and there’s something I’d like to show you before we go to my mother’s for tea.

After they had eaten, and packed all the remains in their bag, John got up and held his hand out for Anna to take.

\- Let’s go sweetheart.

\- So, where are you taking me this time?

\- British Museum.

\- Alright… she said uncertainly. Do you want to show me Rosetta’s stone? Or the Egyptian mummies?

\- No… he chuckled. There’s a temporary exhibit there that I think will do you good, he added in a mysterious tone.

They rode the subway and walked to the entrance of the Museum. Beside the main door, a large banner was hung, advertising the temporary exhibition that John intended to visit. He showed it to Anna, who read aloud:

\- “Kintsukuroi”, the Japanese art of mending.

\- You’ll see. It’s beautiful.

\- Alright…

They went into the exhibit. There was a large display of vases and potteries that had been beautifully mended. Anna stopped to read the first explanation board.

“ _Kintsukuroi (golden repair), also known as Kintsugi (golden joinery) is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.”_

She smiled and turned to John:

\- Alright, I see what you are doing here Mr Bates.

\- Do you? he said with an innocent smile. I think this show illustrates perfectly what I said earlier about not being less beautiful because one’s been broken. Don’t you think?

\- You’ve made your point, she said with a happy gleam in her eyes. Let’s go visit.

And she took his hand and lead him further inside.

When they had finished going through the exhibition, John stopped at the museum shop and bought a book about Kintsugi, containing pictures of the most beautiful pieces on display. He handed it to Anna:

\- There. This is for you, so that you never forget how beautiful you are.

Tears shone in her eyes as she took it, and she whispered:

\- Thank you John. You are very very beautiful too, and I love you so much.

* * *

Hours had flown by and it was time for them to join Margaret for tea. They spent all tea time telling her all about their sightseeing from the two previous days, strolling in Notting Hill, the Lion King show, the Museum exhibit. Then Margaret handed John a grocery list, asking him to go down the street and fetch her what was on it, as she had “forgotten” those items the last time she had gone shopping. John could see right away that it was just a trick so that she could spend time alone with Anna, but he pretended not to notice. Anna shooed him out, assuring him that she didn’t mind at all keeping company to his mother while he was out. In fact, she welcomed an occasion to talk to her privately. She went back to sit near to the old lady in the couch. After a few minutes of small talk, she said:

\- Margaret, the other day you asked me why it took so long for us to start dating.

Margaret put her hand on Anna’s knee, gently squeezing.

\- Anna, my dear, you don’t have to tell me. It is your own story.

\- Yes, but I want to. John has told me about your story, so I know you will understand. When I met John, I had spent many years in a relationship with an abusive man. He was physically, verbally and psychologically violent. I knew I loved John very soon after we’d met. But it took me more than two years to break away from Alex. And after I did, he has kept on pursuing me and harassing me. Only three days before we came here, I was at the police station after he assaulted me at work.

\- Oh dear…

\- But this morning, I got a call from York police, and they informed me that he had died in a motorbike crash.

Margaret gasped at the news.

\- How do you feel now?

\- Free… said Anna with a smile.

She took the older woman’s hand in hers, and looked her in the eyes.

\- I want you to know Margaret, that your son has been a beacon of light for me during those dark months. He has always been patient, understanding, supportive, and he has been a tremendous help on my way to recovery. And now I intend to spend the rest of my life making him as happy as he makes me.

Margaret's eyes were shining with joy.

\- I am so very glad to hear that. I think you both deserve happiness very much.

The old woman slowly got up from the couch, and gestured for Anna to follow her.

\- Come with me Anna.

Anna followed her to her bedroom. Margaret started rummaging for a while in her chest of drawers, until she retrieved something that looked like a jewelry box. She opened it, and showed its content to Anna. It was a golden necklace chain with a diamond pendant, and a matching gold-and-diamond pair of earrings. Margaret explained:

\- Those are my grandmother’s wedding jewels. I want you to have them.

Anna shook her head:

\- Oh no, Margaret, I can’t accept that, it’s too much!

\- Oh yes, my dear, you can. I know you are the right person to have them. I never offered them to Vera, mind you. I don’t know if you and John will ever get married one day, and since my health is quite poor, I don’t know if I’ll still be around to see it, so I want to give them to you now while I have the chance. I want you to know that I consider you my daughter.

\- Oh, Margaret, I don’t know what to say… Thank you so much. They are so beautiful.

\- As you are, my dear.

Anna laughed softly:

\- Yes, so does your son keep telling me.

\- He is right, smiled Margaret.

Anna took the box, and carefully put it down on the chest of drawers, then turned to hug Margaret. As she released her embrace, she said:

\- I have lost touch with my own mother. You don’t know how much that means to me.

\- I am very happy to know that they will be kept safe in the family.

Anna shut down the box and held it close to her chest.

\- Thank you very much Margaret.

\- You’re welcome dear.

They were walking back to the sitting-room when the door opened and John came back from his grocery mission.

* * *

Back at their hotel, Anna stored the box safely at the bottom of her suitcase, while John kicked off his shoes and let himself fall on the bed.

\- I’m so glad you and my mother are getting along so well.

\- She’s a wonderful person, as is her son, said Anna, sitting next to John’s head, and starting massaging his skull.

\- Hmmm, that’s good, moaned John. Man, what an emotional day it has been.

\- Maybe we’ve not seen the end of it, sand Anna mysteriously.

And before John could ask further, she got up and said:

\- Well, I’m going to take a shower.

And she disappeared into the bathroom. Just before the water started running, John heard his phone beep. He opened the Whatsapp thread and read:

***Maybe this one should be played**   
**at Alex’s funeral?***

***Elton John – I’m Still Standing**   
**https://youtu.be/ZHwVBirqD2s***

“ _You could never know what it's like  
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice  
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you  
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use_

_And did you think this fool could never win  
Well look at me, I'm coming back again  
I got a taste of love in a simple way  
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away_

_Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did  
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid  
I'm still standing after all this time  
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind”_

John smiled, and marveled at the thought that through all this Anna had managed to keep her sense of humor. For once, destiny seemed to have done some justice. He started undressing for the night, and settled in bed with his book, waiting for Anna to finish so that he could take her place in the shower.

A few moments later, Anna came back from the bathroom, wearing the hotel’s bathrobe. She came on the bed, lay beside an unsuspecting John, took his book from his hands and carefully put it back on the bedside table. When he looked at her, bemused, she smiled at him, and undid the belt of the bathrobe, whispering in his ear:

\- Mr Bates, I think I am ready…

And she slowly set apart the bathrobe, revealing her naked body underneath. John’s eyes grew wide at the sight of her, and he gasped:

\- Oh my… Are you sure Anna?

\- I am, she said, removing the bathrobe completely and lying herself casually on her back, watching John’s awestruck expression with a gleam in her eyes. He said nothing more, but quickly took off his T-shirt and underpants and laid back beside her, taking her mouth into a heated kiss. They both laid on their side, facing each other, and the touch of his skin on the whole front of her body sent shivers all over Anna. She marveled at how quickly his body became ready for her, and how her own body responded quickly too when his fingers closed around her nipple and started teasing it. She felt no fear, no uneasiness, only love and arousal. A rush of pleasure ran through her when his mouth left her neck to settle on her other nipple. A light moan escaped her lips, and her hand went down the front of his body to close around him and started teasing him too.

\- Oh Lord Anna… he said hoarsely. Is it OK if I go further?

\- Yes, please, do, she answered in a breathless voice.

She wanted him so much right now, she couldn’t wait. His hand went from her breast down to touch her between her legs, as his mouth continued to work on her nipple. He smiled against her breast when he felt how slick she was. He stroked her there for a little while, lingering on the most sensitive spot, hearing her breath quicken as pleasure slowly built up inside her. She let out a little cry when he slipped two fingers inside her. She arched her hips to meet him closer. After a few minutes of that, she felt the urge to cross the last step. She invited John to come above her. He looked at her a bit hesitantly, and asked:

\- Will you be alright if I’m on top of you? Won’t you feel.. trapped or something?

\- No, darling, please come, I want you that way.

\- Alright.

In fact it was all she wanted right now to abandon herself into his arms and surrender to his embrace. He took her into another passionate kiss while he settled between her legs. She gasped in surprise when a fierce surge of pleasure filled her body as he entered into her for the first time. Oh how good it felt to welcome the man she loved into her body. She couldn’t remember having felt so alive before.

\- Are we good? whispered John in her ear.

\- Oh, more than good, she answered, as she put her hands on his hips to encourage him to move. He started going back and forth very gently and slowly, so that she could fully enjoy every little sensation blooming inside her. Meanwhile he kept trailing light kisses along her neck and shoulder, and teasing at her breast. She moved her hips in rhythm to go along with him, and she felt slowly a wild and new sensation build up in her lower belly. The pleasure growing down there seemed to somehow connect with the sensations coming from her breast, and add up to create a high tide that was persistently rising through her body. Her breath became shakier when John started moving faster and deeper into her. She grabbed his shoulders and buried her head in the crook of his neck, as if she wanted to melt inside him, and him inside her. The sweet storm raging inside her suddenly broke out of control and she cried out as she let herself be swept away by the tidal wave of ecstasy. Tears came to her eyes at the intensity of the sensation that filled her whole body and left her shaking all over. John’s closure came within two seconds of hers, and he continued moving very slowly inside her, quietly guiding her down through the aftermath of pleasure.

When they had both returned to their senses, he slipped out of her and lay beside her, taking her head against his chest. He saw the trails of tears on the sides of her face, and followed them with one finger, softly asking:

\- Please tell me that those are happy tears?

She brought her fist to her mouth and broke into a fit of giggle:

\- Oh yes they are. Oh my, John, what is this that you just did to me? I feel like something has just exploded down in my belly.

John laughed, and answered in a mock-serious voice:

\- I think, my dear, that this is called having an orgasm.

\- Oh… So that’s what all the fuss was about. I understand better now.

At those words, John frowned and raised himself on his elbow to look her in the face:

\- Er, Anna, what… Are you saying that you had never…

She flushed and felt some kind of shame nagging at her.

\- Well you know… I hate to bring “him” between us now, but he wasn’t the most generous of lovers. Rather selfish in fact. So it might have been mildly interesting at the beginning, when there was the attraction of novelty and I convinced myself that I was madly in love, but mainly I kept wondering why everyone seemed to make such a thing of having sex.  _Now_ , I see why. Never  before has it felt this way. In fact, it’s disturbing, how sex can feel either like hell or like heaven, depending on how and whom one is doing it with. So thank you, John, for introducing me to heaven tonight, she said, pulling him towards her and kissing him passionately. From now on, I consider this to be my official first time making love. I’ll try and forget all the ones before.

\- Oh wow, said John, a bit bewildered. I did not expect that. I had no idea it had been that bad the whole time. Well, at least, I am very happy and proud to be the one who offered that joy to you. And I promise  you it’ll be my pleasure to bring it to you again plenty of times, and in plenty of different ways. We have a lifetime of making love ahead of us.

\-  I can’t wait, she said sleepily.

They snuggled under the sheets in each other’s arms, and relaxed contently. Just before drifting to sleep, Anna whispered:

\- You know John, I think I will never forget this trip to London.

\- Neither will I, my darling, he answered, stroking her silken hair.

And they fell asleep,  savoring their victory over darkness. 

* * *

When Anna opened her eyes the next morning, she found that John was already awake, and watching her with a dreamy smile on his lips. Anna took a few seconds to recollect all of the previous day’s events, and frowned, looking at John:

\- Please, tell me that yesterday was real? Alex is really dead? We really made love?

\- Oh, absolutely, said John, grinning widely.

Anna exhaled deeply:

\- Oh Lord, thank you, I feared for one moment I had dreamt it all. What time is it?

\- Hmmm, 8:15, said John looking at his watch.

\- What time do we have to check out?

\- Before 10.

\- Alright. So, she said looking at  him with bright eyes, Mr Bates, about this lifetime of making love?

\- Yes?

\- Well, I was thinking… Maybe we could start now? You known, we have so much time to make up for, she said raising her eyebrows, and innocently  depositing feather-light kisses on his chest.

\- I cannot fight with that argument Miss Smith. We do have a lot of catching up to do… he said cupping her cheeks and pulling her into a kiss.

After a little time of warming up, Anna decided to take the lead this time. She pushed John to lie on his back, and lifted herself to sit across his body. She smiled at the look of wonder she read on John’s face when he let his hands stray from her shoulders to her breasts, her sides, her belly. One of his hands finally came to settle on her most sensitive spot, and she close d her eyes, tilting her head back and moaning when he started teasing her there with his thumb. She quickly felt the need to take him inside her, and settled upon him, taking pleasure in the deep filling sensation. His other hand came to rest on her hip when she started moving on her own rhythm. She felt free, in charge, and loved. The combined effects of her own movements and John’s  persistent stroking quickly brought her to the point of no return, and she bent down to take John’ s mouth into a deep ki ss just as they once again managed to come together. She then rested herself on his chest, and he silently stroked her back for a while. 

\- Couldn’t we just stop working and spend the rest of our li f e in bed?  s he asked.

John laughed at the suggestion. He looked at her with a gleam in his eyes.

\- So, is this the  right moment to ask you again about food or  sex ?

She broke  i nto a giggle. 

\- I must say I have so me very interesting new data to take into account. The balance has shifted a great deal, she said emphatically. But right, now, I just had good sex, and I’m starving, so I’ll go for food at the hotel’s buffet! Come on let’s hurry or we’ll be late for check-out.

She kissed  him one last time before disappearing in the bathroom. 

* * *

A few hours later, after having bid their goodbye to Margaret, and promised to  see each other again soon, Anna and John were sitting in the train bringing them back to York. Anna felt she had been away for months instead of a mere four days, and felt like a different person. She  opened her phone and went into the usual Whatsapp thread. She sent John a link:

***Bruno Mars – Locked out of heaven**   
**https://youtu.be/e-fA-gBCkj0***

“ _Never had much faith in love or miracles  
Never wanna put my heart on the line  
But swimming in your water is something spiritual   
I'm born again every time you spend the night_

_'Cause your sex takes me to paradise  
Yeah your sex takes me to paradise  
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah  
'Cause you make me feel like, I've been locked out of Heaven  
For too long, for too long  
Yeah you make me feel like, I've been locked out of Heaven  
For too long, for too long_

_You bring me to my knees  
You make me testify  
You can make a sinner change his ways  
Open up your gates 'cause I can't wait to see the ligh_ _t_ _  
And right there is where I wanna stay  
Can I just stay here?  
Spend the rest of my days here?”_

John, who was reading beside her, put his book down and  checked his phone when he felt the notification buzz. He arched his eyebrows and shot her a side look with a kinky smile. He started typing back:

***Boyz II Men – I’ll make love to you**   
**https://youtu.be/fV8B1BB2qc***

“ _Close your eyes, make a wish, and blow out the candlelight  
For tonight is just your night, we're gonna celebrate,  
All through the night_

_Pour the wine, light the fire, girl your wish is my command  
I submit to your demands, I will do anything,  
Girl you need only ask_

_I'll make love to you, like you want me to  
And I'll hold you tight, baby all through the night  
I'll make love to you, when you want me to  
And I will not let go, till you tell me to”_

She laughed softly.

  
***John, I never want to spend another**   
**Night away from you.**   
**Would you let me move in with you?***

  
  


He turned to look at her with the brightest smile and whispered:

\- Of course I’ll let you my love! If it had been just me, you would have moved in right away on the day I picked you up at the hospital…

\- Thank you John, I love you.

\- I love you too, he said, softly kissing her on her cheek.


	13. Rebuilding a Family

In the following days, Anna gave back her studio at Downton and moved all her belongings to John’s apartment. The place became quite cramped, since it was not so big and already filled with John’s stuff. They told themselves that they should look for a bigger place, but in the midst of their daily working life, they didn’t find the time.

During the next months, under John’s careful and tender nurturing, Anna blossomed like a flower in the spring. All the people who saw her everyday noticed the change in her character. She was no more the subdued, nervous woman she had been in the last few years. She became more extrovert, spontaneous and brought a light mood everywhere she went. She herself felt like she was born again. The PTSD symptoms became less and less frequent. With the help of a counselor and a victims speaking group, she slowly learnt to come to terms with her past, to understand the abusive mechanisms that Alex had used on her and why she had not been able to recognize and fight them back then, thus coming closer to forgiving herself for what she still considered as “wasted years” of her life.

In daily life, she enjoyed the respectful and loving relationship she and John were building. A relationship in which, contrary to her previous one, things went both ways. Both were attentive to the other’s needs, both tried to make the other happy. Both opinions were equally listened to and taken into account when decisions needed to be made. Household chores were shared. Never did John try to push or ignore her boundaries. After the London trip, Anna and Margaret had started corresponding in the pen-and-paper old-fashioned way. Margaret did not use technology, and they both preferred written conversation to phone calls. Just as Margaret had declared considering Anna as her daughter, Anna felt she could confide in the old woman like a mother, in a way she had never shared with her own blood mother. She was very happy to have found some kind of substitute family. John and Anna had decided to go back to London next Christmas to spend the holiday with Margaret. Anna was very much looking forward to the occasion. It would be the first time in a decade when she would celebrate Christmas with people she loved.

Some time in the weeks leading to the holiday season, John and Anna were settled in bed and discussing the arrangements of their upcoming trip. At one point in the conversation, John asked Anna:

\- I’ve been wondering for a while, wouldn’t you like, now you’re feeling better, to get in touch again with your own family?

Anna frowned. She had discussed her family a lot with her counselor, but had never felt the need to renew their acquaintance. She felt the bond had been too badly severed, and for too long.

\- Do you even know if your mother and stepfather still live at the same place?

\- No, I’m not sure. All I know is: I don’t want to see my stepfather ever again. As for my mum, she didn’t move a finger to protect me when I needed her to, nor did she try to find me or come after me when I ran away. So I can hardly say I feel like talking to her.

\- Maybe now, ten years later, _she_ would have some things to say to you… Like “please forgive me” maybe?

\- Maybe, but I’m not sure I would be ready to hear them. But I’ll think about it.

\- Your call sweetie. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.

He paused a moment, and asked again:

\- What about your sister? Do you know where she lives? When did you last see her?

\- It’s been years… She left home about a year before me, when she turned eighteen, to settle with her boyfriend. They left to live in Northampton near to his family. When I left home, we talked on the phone a few times. She tried to warn me about Alex, I remember now. Back then I was not ready to hear that, so we drifted apart. I have been quite mean to her at that time, Lord I had completely forgotten all this… I should apologize for what I said to her. She was so right to warn me…

\- Do you still have her phone number?

\- If she hasn’t changed it in eight years…

\- You could try it…

\- I have an email address too. Maybe she still uses it. I’ll try and write to her. You’re right, it’s a pity to let our relationship die. We got along well when we were kids.

\- Do you know why she left home so soon?

\- Not really… I assumed she wanted to follow her boyfriend.

Both stayed silent for a minute, when Anna gasped and clasped her hand to her mouth.

\- Do you think?! He did something to her too?

\- I don’t know anything. I just think maybe the two of you should talk about it.

After this chat, Anna had a hard time falling asleep. She couldn't think about anything else. Had her sister fled because their stepfather had assaulted her too?

* * *

Two days later, as John was just coming back home from Downton, he found Anna waiting for him, obviously excited.

\- So, I sent an email to my sister’s old address. And I just got a reply! she beamed.

\- Oh good! So what did she say?

\- She has moved back up north about five years ago, she lives in Leeds!

\- Oh wow, so she’s near!

\- She’s married, not with the guy she ran away with back then, and she’s got two kids! Can you believe that? I’m an aunt and I didn’t even know it!

Her eyes were shining bright with joy.

\- Oh sweetheart, that’s so great!

\- And the best thing is: she’s invited us for lunch next Sunday! Oh John thank you so much for making me do this… I’m so excited about this! she said nestling into his arms.

* * *

The next Sunday found John and Anna hitting the road to Leeds in John’s car under a snow storm. The drive took them 1h15 instead of the usual 45 min. When they finally parked in front of the cozy semi-detached house standing at the address Leslie had given them, Anna rubbed her palms on her knees and sighed deeply:

\- Alright let’s go. Lord I’m so nervous.

\- I’m sure everything will go fine, said John trying to reassure her.

They walked up to the front door, and Anna rang the bell. A few seconds later, Leslie appeared in the doorway. Anna was a bit dumbfounded at how her sister looked just as she remembered from a decade ago, except for the large bump in her belly, indicating that a third kid was well on its way.

\- Hi sis’, said Leslie with a shy smile.

The familiar nickname broke all the tension that had built inside Anna, and she threw herself at her sister, crying.

\- Oh Lord, Leslie…

\- Anna…

The two young women stood in a prolonged and tearful hug, until they finally broke apart and wiped their faces, laughing. Anna turned to John who was waiting a few steps back.

\- Leslie, this is my boyfriend John. John, my sister Leslie.

John came forward and held his hand out to Leslie.

\- Hello Leslie, nice to meet you. I would have guessed anywhere that you were Anna’s sister! You two look so much alike.

Leslie laughed as she took his hand.

\- Hello John, nice to meet you too. Come inside and meet the rest of us.

They obliged, put aside their coats, scarves and hats, and entered the living-room, where they met Patrick, Leslie’s husband, and her two kids, five-years-old Russel and Emily who was two and a half years old.

\- And we’ve got this little one coming next March, completed Leslie putting her hands on her belly.

Anna crouched to say hi to the kids.

\- Hello Russel, hello Emily. I am your Auntie Anna! I am your mummy’s sister.

The little boy looked at her somewhat defiantly:

\- If you are my mum’s sister, how com I have never seen you before?

Anna’s face fell a little bit, but she managed to smile and answered:

\- I have been… living away. But now I am here, and I would very much like to get to know you! Would you show me around your house?

The boy liked the idea, and took Anna’s hand to lead her into a full tour of the house, his little sister crawling behind them.

The six of them then settled around the table and set into a catching up conversation while having lunch. It turned out that Leslie was a librarian, and Patrick was, like John, an ex-soldier. The two men hit off well, having an obvious shared conversation topic. Patrick had also left the army, before he and Leslie had kids, and was now working in an IT company. After lunch, Leslie and Anna found themselves alone in the kitchen, putting the dishes into the dishwasher, while Patrick was putting Emily down for her nap and John was being held up by Russel to look at his dinosaur book. Leslie looked at Anna and said:

\- You look well, sis’, I’m glad. I see that this ghastly Alex guy is no longer in the picture. I’m happy about that too.

\- Yes. I am happy too. John sort of rescued me from his claws. I’ll have to tell you the whole story some time.

\- He looks like a good man to me.

\- He is. Believe me. I’m so lucky to have found him.

When Emily had woken up from her nap, Patrick offered to take the kids out, as the snow had stopped, to build a snowman. John stood up to go with him. Anna looked at him, worried:

\- Will your knee be alright with the snow?

\- Don’t mind my knee. You need time alone with your sister, and I like talking to Patrick.

After a good fifteen minutes trying to dress the kids in snow-compatible outfits, the two sisters found themselves alone, talking over a cup of tea. Anna took the time to tell her sister all the details of her story with John and how she had finally left Alex. Leslie gasped when she heard about the miscarriage, and then about Alex’s death. She then told Anna how she had met Patrick, after being left by her previous boyfriend, the one she had left Yorkshire with. After a moment’s silence, Anna started, uneasily:

\- Look, Leslie, there’s a question I need to ask you. It’s been haunting me for days. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but I have to ask.

\- Fire away, said Leslie.

\- When you left the house, back then, was it just to follow Liam, or had something else happened? You know, between you and Stephen? Because I ran away after he had assaulted me, so I wondered if he’d done it to you too…

Leslie closed her eyes, looking nervous. She clearly didn’t feel good remembering that time.

\- I know what he tried to do to you. Mum told me, about the knife and all. It was when I realized how much braver and stronger you were than me. Because yes, he did the same to me. And I let him have his way.

Anna felt as if she’d just received a bucket of cold water on her head. Anger rose into her at this man who had done them so much wrong, and at their mother for not standing in the way.

\- Oh Leslie… I’m so sorry… she said, taking her sister into a hug.

Leslie broke into tears, and answered between the sobs:

\- No, I am sorry. I left you behind with that dirty pervert. I should have spoken up to protect you.

\- Come on, we were kids… You did what you could to save yourself. But I am so angry at mum for doing nothing.

After a silence, Anna went on:

\- As for being braver and stronger, it didn’t prevent me from falling into another abuser’s grip and staying with him for ten years.

She took her sister at arms length and looked deep in her eyes:

\- Now, are you well with Patrick? Is he treating you like he should?

Leslie smiled through her tears:

\- Yes, yes, I swear, I’m fine now, we’re very happy together. And I love my kids.

\- Fine. So, from now on, how about we become a happy family and leave all that rotten stuff behind? Can we do that?

\- I believe we can.

Patrick and John soon came back with the kids, who had bright-red cheeks and runny noses from the cold. They were quickly changed into dry clothes, and settled with mugs of hot chocolate in front of a cartoon. Daylight was beginning to fall when John and Anna decided to go back home. As they were putting their coats on, Leslie said:

\- So, let’s not let another ten years pass until we meet again!

\- Surely not, answered Anna, smiling.

\- Would you guys want to join us for Christmas? asked Patrick.

\- Thank you very much, but we are spending Christmas in London with John’s mother, explained Anna.

\- Alright, no problem. What about New Year’s Eve then? We’re having a quiet thing, you know with the kids and all. Just dinner with a few friends.

Anna turned to John:

\- What do you say to that?

\- Why not… We don’t have anything special planned. And I think I remember that you are on duty on January first.

\- That’s right. So anyway we wouldn’t party too late. OK then, let’s go for New Year’s Eve.

\- Great, said Leslie. I’m looking forward to it. Goodnight then. Drive home safe!

When they were in the street in front of John’s car, John handed out his car keys to Anna, asking:

\- Would you mind driving? I’m quite tired after all the snowman building.

Anna looked at him, embarrassed:

\- Er… I don’t think I can.

\- Why? Are you afraid to drive in the snow? Because the roads are clean now.

\- No… It’s just… I can’t drive.

\- You… What do you mean?

He looked at her dumbfounded. She looked down, feeling quite ashamed.

\- I don’t have a driving license.

\- Oh. I didn’t see that one coming. Alright, so, I’ll drive.

He went around the car and settled into the driver’s seat. When they were on the road, he looked at Anna, and squeezed her knee gently:

\- I’m sorry darling, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. But… why did you never learn to drive?

\- Well… I never had enough money… And Alex was not so keen on me taking lessons.

\- Of course, I see why he wouldn’t want you to be too independent. Well, I know what present I can give you for Christmas.

\- A chauffeur? she asked with a bemused smile.

\- Driving lessons! Come on Anna, you’ll be thirty soon, you need to know how to drive a car! Maybe now you don’t need it too much, but think about the future. What if someday we want to…, he stopped in the middle of his sentence, not daring to phrase his thought.

\- To start a family? she finished for him.

\- Yes! What if you need to go grocery shopping for a whole family? Or bring the kids this way and that?

She looked at him with shining eyes, and answered:

\- Alright John. I’ll learn how to drive.

\- Great. I want you to be an independent and self-sufficient woman!

\- Or, you don’t want to be my chauffeur, she laughed, raising her eyebrows.

\- Yes, that too, he admitted, laughing too.

* * *

On December 23rd, Anna and John found themselves once again on a train taking them to London. They had again booked a room in the same hotel near Margaret’s flat. Anna beamed when she noticed that John and asked for the exact same room in which they had spent their last stay. “For all the good memories”, he said. On December 24th, Margaret dragged them to the Christmas Eve’s mass in the Catholic church nearby. Anna, who had never been brought up into religion, curiously enjoyed the music and the decorum. John had been brought up Catholic by his mother, but had taken his distances with the institution in his adulthood. Yet he gladly accepted to go to mass with Margaret, because he knew it meant a lot to her. After the mass, they went back to Margaret’s flat, where they sat down to enjoy the magnificent Christmas dinner she had cooked. John’s mother was a fine cook, and she had obviously put all her heart into this particular supper. After dinner, when John and Anna felt they could not swallow another mouthful, they exchanged their Christmas gifts. They left Margaret late in the evening, promising to be back the next day at noon for another round of Christmas food. Anna and John settled into bed. John started cuddling under the blanket, whispering into Anna’s ear:

\- Could we maybe re-enact our performance from last time?

Anna laughed and whispered back:

\- I’d like that, but let’s wait until tomorrow morning, because right now I am so full I’m afraid I might throw up in the action.

\- Oh Lord, we can’t have that! answered John, laughing too. Tomorrow we’ll wait then, he said, settling against her.

He nuzzled his nose in her hair, and said:

\- Happy Christmas my love.

\- Happy Christmas John. You know, I do think this is the happiest Christmas I’ve had since my father’s death.

\- Oh. Well, I am both happy and sad to hear that.

\- Yeah, me too. But right now I’m mostly happy, she smiled, before switching her light off. I love you.

\- I love you too Anna. Sweet dreams.

Indeed, they spent most of the next morning enjoying several fashions of love-making. Since she had discovered with John how agreeable the activity could be when practiced with the right person, Anna had become quite bold in the matter, and intended to make up for lost time. John did not complain about her demands, and was always eager to satisfy her. At noon, after showering and putting on their best outfit, they joined Margaret for the Christmas luncheon. When they saw what she had cooked, they congratulated themselves for having skipped breakfast. When the three of them were settled in front of a full plate of roast turkey, Margaret said:

\- So, my dear children. I wanted to tell you about a decision I’ve made. I’m growing old, and this place is becoming too much work for me to maintain. I have decided to sell it, and move into a senior’s residence. I intend to give the amount of money I get out of it to you, so that you can buy yourself a nice place to live. You cannot go on living in this cramped one-bedroom! What about when you have children? This place is small, but with the London prices, you’ll be able to buy something substantial up there in Yorkshire.

\- Oh, no, mother… we can’t accept that from you, frowned John.

\- And why not my boy? This is only an advance on your inheritance. I don’t need it. My life is behind me, and yours is ahead. It would make me very happy.

John was about to protest once again, but Anna silenced him by putting her hand in his.

\- That’s very kind of you Margaret. We appreciate it very much, said Anna softly. What would you say, if we found a senior’s residence for you in York? That way we can take care of you anytime you need. You can visit us in this place we’ll be able to buy thanks to you. And when we have kids, if we are ever granted that joy, you can come see them any time you want.

\- I would like that very much, said Margaret with bright eyes.

\- But won’t you miss your neighborhood, your friends? asked John.

\- Oh no… The neighborhood has changed so much in the past years. Now it’s all hipsters and vegan restaurants. As for my friends, a fair part of them are already dead.

\- Alright then. We’ll start looking for a place when we get back home. Thank you mother.

Later in the afternoon, John and Anna had gone out for a walk to enjoy the city’s Christmas lights. They were leisurely walking hand in hand when John said:

\- It’s amazing how you seem to understand my mother. I was embarrassed to accept so much money from her, but you understood right away how much it mattered to her.

\- Well, I think we both are quite like-minded. If I were in her position, in old age and precarious health, I would also want to use whatever money I have to ensure my children were well-off.

\- you’re right, put that way it does make sense.

\- I am so glad we are going to be able to look for a place for good. Because, to be honest, I’m starting to feel a bit… overcrowded in your flat. We really need a bigger place.

John laughed.

\- I can only agree with that…

* * *

The following week, John and Anna spent a very fun New Year’s Eve with Leslie, her family and a few of her friends. Freely enjoying a relaxed time with friends was a new experience for Anna. Not having to worry about her partner’s opinion on what she was doing, saying, wearing or when she got home felt new and wonderful. John and Anna left the party shortly after midnight, as Anna was working on the following morning. As he was driving them home, John put his hand on Anna’s knee and said softly:

\- Happy New Year sweetheart.

She smiled to him.

\- Happy New Year my love. Oh my God when I think what my life was like on the last New Year’s day, what it is like now and everything that has happened in between… It makes me dizzy.

\- Or is it the champagne? John laughed.

She playfully slapped him on his thigh.

\- I only had two glasses! Seriously, I feel like my life has turned from night to day. From darkness to light. Thanks to you. I can never thank you enough.

\- Thank yourself first. You made the right decisions. But I’m so happy to have had the privilege to guide you to the light.

\- You have been the light that guided me home. You have fixed me.

They both smiled knowingly at the meaningful reference.

\- So? What now? What are we planning for the new year?

\- This year, we build ourselves a real home.

\- Alright… And… what about a family? he tentatively asked.

\- Hmmm… Maybe a little further down the road? I enjoy our life just the two of us right now. Are you in a hurry?

\- Well the thing is I’m not getting any younger. I know already I’ll be the dad that people mistake for the grandfather. But I don’t want to rush you. I’ll wait till you want it.

\- Come on, you don’t look so old! Plenty of men have kids in their forties nowadays. Let’s talk about it again when our home is ready, shall we?

\- Alright darling.


	14. The Nest

Margaret's flat was sold in less than a week. At the beginning of February, John and Anna took a quick trip to London to oversee her moving. They settled her in a senior's residence in a nice neighborhood of York, and started visiting houses for themselves. Like before, they found it hard to find the time for appointments in the midst of their work planning. After two months of unsuccessful visits, they had found nothing that suited them. Their mood started falling a bit, but they kept scanning the ads daily. Meanwhile, as she had promised to John, Anna was taking driving lessons.

On a late April evening, Anna was leaving Downton after her shift. The sky was blue and spring was in full bloom. She was making her way towards the bus stop when she saw John's car waiting at a small distance. She smiled and started walking to him. As she sat herself in the passenger's seat, she asked:

\- What are you doing here?

\- I'm taking you somewhere, he said with a mysterious look.

She looked puzzled:

\- Where?

\- You'll see in about twenty minutes.

He drove them across York's city, to a quiet street in a neighborhood they had selected for their house search. He finally parked his car, and Anna asked again:

\- So? Where are we?

He pointed to a house a little further in the street, on which fence was hanged an "On sale" board.

\- We are at 31, Windmill Road. We are visiting this house.

He got out of the car, came to open her door and held out his hand for her:

\- I visited it a few days ago while you were working, and I loved it. I put a safety deposit on it. If you like it, it is ours.

She looked around to a very cute cottage, with a welcoming front yard, filled with blooming flowers. She smiled and said:

\- The outside looks nice. Let's go see the inside?

John led her into the visit of the house's inside. The ground floor had been tastefully renovated only a few years before. It had a large and bright living-room, with a modern open kitchen, and a guest bedroom with en-suite bathroom. The first floor boasted four reasonably sized bedrooms. Anna laughed when she counted the bedrooms:

\- Wow, four bedrooms! So, you were really serious, Mr Bates, when you were talking about having children "all around us"!

\- Better be safe than sorry, he smirked, kissing her temple. They only need a little fresh paint. We can have it done in no time.

\- Well you're not climbing on any ladder, said Anna pointedly.

Daylight was slowly fading when they had finished examining the inside, and John suggested:

\- Shall we go see the garden in the back?

\- Sure.

They went back downstairs and stepped outside to a nice garden, again filled with flowers. A few trees were also planted, promising nice and cooling shadow in the summer. Right now, a cherry tree was in full bloom.

\- Oh wow, this tree is so beautiful, marveled Anna.

The sun had set and the garden was becoming darker as time went on. At one point, John took his Bluetooth speaker out of his bag and put it down on the garden wooden table. Anna looked at it, puzzled:

\- What are you…

John put his finger on his mouth:

\- Ssshhh. Look.

He went to the house's back wall and pushed a light switch. A garland of lights that was hanging in the trees branches switched on. Anna's eyes grew wide. The lights in the trees made the garden look so romantic in the fading daylight. John fumbled on his phone, and music started playing on the speaker. Anna's heart melted and her eyes started burning when she heard Ed Sheeran's voice:

" _I found a love for me, Darling, just dive right in  
And follow my lead  
I found a girl, beautiful and sweet  
I never knew you were the someone waiting for me"_

John came to her and circled his arms around her, swaying slowly from side to side to the rhythm of the music.

" _'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love  
Not knowing what it was, I will not give you up this time  
Darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own  
And in your eyes, you're holding mine_

_Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms  
Barefoot on the grass, listenin' to our favorite song  
When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath  
But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight_

_Well, I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know  
She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home  
I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets  
To carry love, to carry children of our own"_

Anna's shoulders started shaking and John's chest quickly grew wet from her tears.

" _We are still kids, but we're so in love, fightin' against all odds  
I know we'll be alright this time  
Darling, just hold my hand, be my girl, I'll be your man  
I see my future in your eyes_

_Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms  
Barefoot on the grass, we're listenin' to our favorite song  
I have faith in what I see, now I know I have met an angel in person  
And she looks perfect  
No, I don't deserve this, you look perfect tonight"_

When the song was over, Anna sniffed and wiped her face on her sleeve. Looking up to John, she murmured:

\- In my whole life, I never thought I could be as happy as I am at this moment…

John smiled, and softly asked, cupping her cheek:

\- So? What do you say darling? Will you be my girl and I'll be your man? Let's share a home? Because I do see my future in your eyes.

Anna chuckled, and with a shy smile, answered:

\- Or, what if I was your wife and you'd be my husband?

John's smile grew wide and a happy gleam shone in his eyes.

\- Miss Smith, is this a proposal?

\- If that's what you want to call it.

As an answer, John bent down to her and took her mouth into a loving kiss.

\- I would love it, he said when their lips had parted.

He took her in his arms again, and they stayed that way for a moment, silently holding each other tight. After a while, John asked:

\- So? What about the house? Do you like it?

Anna smiled:

\- It's perfect. But can we afford it?

\- With my mother's money, and a little mortgage, yes, we can.

\- Let's do it then. I love it!

They looked at each other and both broke into a fit of giggle, out of excitement at having finally found their perfect home.

x x x x

Their moving into the new house kept Anna and John busy for the best part of their following summer vacation. All of "Downton's Army" came to help on the moving day, minus Mary, who was excused, being expecting a second child. She nonetheless came to bring the last of Anna's boxes that were still stored in her garage, and brought pizzas and beverages to the whole gang. The day was overall quite fun and enjoyable for everyone. When the old flat had been emptied and the last box brought to the new house, all their friends bid their goodbyes and left one by one. Anna closed the door on Thomas and Richard, who were the last to leave. She turned around and found herself face to face with a beaming John, who seized her waist and lifted her in his arms.

\- Be careful John, you'll hurt your knee! she hissed.

\- I'm perfectly fine, he said, putting her down. Welcome to our now home.

She looked around with a look of wonder.

\- Our new home… My first real home, she added, smiling to him.

\- How do you feel, sweetheart? he whispered in her ear.

\- To be honest, tired and sweaty! she laughed. But good tired. I think I'll go and inaugurate the shower.

She kissed him lightly on his cheek and disappeared up the stairs.

Fifteen minutes later, as John was unboxing cooking stuff in the kitchen, he felt her hands circle his waist. He turned around to face her, and gasped at the sight of her. She was wearing one of his shirts, which was obviously much too large for her. She had rolled up the sleeves, and the shirt covered her until mid-thighs down. The top buttons were left open. Her crooked smile made his insides burn.

\- What… Why are you wearing a shirt of mine?

\- Well, she said in a mock apology, I couldn't find my clothes among all the boxes upstairs. This is the first thing I found, so I thought I'd borrow it…

It made her look so sexy he couldn't resist and lifted her to sit her on the edge of the kitchen table as he took her mouth into a heated kiss. He left her mouth to go down the side of her neck, then her shoulder, shifting the shirt to uncover her, and noticing that she was wearing no bra. She tilted her head on the side to grant him more access, moaning with pleasure under his feather-light kisses. She circled his waist with her legs. He put one hand on her knee and slowly slid up her thigh until his hand met the bare skin of her buttock and he knew she was not wearing any panty either. He growled in her ear:

\- Why, Miss Smith, what kind of clothing is that… You will have me damned, he said as he moved to undo the buttons on her front.

She laughed, but straightened when she took a look outside the windows overlooking the street, and painfully noticed that they had no curtains yet.

\- Maybe we should continue upstairs, she said, gesturing to the window. I wouldn't like the first sight our new neighbors have of us to be this.

\- Let them see what true love is, he shrugged. But he agreed with Anna, and took her hand as they started quickly making their way to their bedroom on the first floor.

Later, they were lying on the bed, their limbs still entangled, relaxing in the sweet afterglow. Anna looked up to John and said flatly:

\- Well, Mr Bates. You've had your way with me.

He laughed, and passing his fingers into her silken blond hair, he answered:

\- I'm so happy that you let me.

\- I only know, that I am now, where I was meant to be, she said with a happy gleam in her eyes, kissing him softly.

\- Yes, he acquiesced quietly. We were meant to be.

She turned around to reach her phone on the bedside table, and opened Spotify. She smiled warmly as she launched Shania Twain's "You've got a way". He pulled her into a close embrace and they stood still and silent while they listened to the song.

" _You got a way with me  
Somehow you got me to believe  
In everything that I could be  
I've gotta say, you really got a way_

_You got a way it seems  
You gave me faith to find my dreams  
You'll never know just what that means  
Can't you see, you got a way with me_

_It's in the way you want me  
It's in the way you hold me  
The way you show me just what love's made of  
It's in the way we make love_

_You got a way with words  
You get me smiling even when it hurts  
There's no way to measure what your love is worth  
I can't believe the way you get through to me_

_It's in the way you want me  
It's in the way you hold me  
The way you show me just what love's made of  
It's in the way we make love_

_Oh, how I adore you  
Like no one before you  
I love you just the way you are_

_It's in the way you want me  
Oh, it's in the way you hold me  
The way you show me just what love's made of  
It's in the way we make love_

_It's just the way you are"_

-It's been a while since we've had a song battle, he said, smirking as he searched his own phone and launched in response John Legend's "All of me".

" _What would I do without your smart mouth, drawing me in, and you kicking me out  
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down  
What's going on in that beautiful mind, I'm on your magical mystery ride  
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright_

_My head's under water, but I'm breathing fine  
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind_

_'Cause all of me, loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning  
'Cause I give you all of me, and you give me all of you_

_How many times do I have to tell you, even when you're crying, you're beautiful too  
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood  
You're my downfall, you're my muse, my worst distraction, my rhythm and blues  
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you_

_My head's under water, but I'm breathing fine  
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind_

_'Cause all of me, loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning  
'Cause I give you all of me, and you give me all of you"_

x x x x

On the last Friday of their holiday, John was unboxing books and putting them on the shelves of their new bookshelves. The Kintsugi book had been laid out in evidence on the chimney mantelpiece, so that Anna could see it everyday. While he was working and humming to himself, Anna came back home. She had gone out a few hours earlier, to take her driving exam. As she closed the door behind her, John turned around with an expectant look and asked:

\- So?

She shot him a triumphant smile and exclaimed:

\- I passed! while she ran to him and threw herself in his arms.

\- Well done! I'm so proud of you! On your first try!

She beamed at him and added:

\- You know, I realized that I like driving very much. That's one more thing I have to thank you for making me do.

\- OK, so, celebration tonight! You go take a bath, and I'll cook you a special dinner.

\- Oh, alright. Your wish is my command my Lord, she said, disappearing upstairs.

John put the last books on the shelves and went to the kitchen to start on dinner. He had in fact planned this special dinner for a few days, and had intended to carry on with it whether she passed her exam or not. The driving license was not the only thing he wanted to celebrate. When Anna was settled in her bath, he quietly went up to their bedroom, and opened one of his drawers. He changed his clothes for smarter ones, then lifted a pile of clothes and smiled to himself as he retrieved a small jewelry box and put it in his pocket. He went back downstairs and started laying the table. He laid out a nice tablecloth, on which he put two of their new set of plates. A little bouquet of freshly cut flowers from the garden was set at the table center, and a few candles were scattered around. He put the napkins in the middle of the plates, then deposited the little box on Anna's napkin. He was waiting down the stairs when Anna appeared from the bedroom, sweetly smelling of bath salts. He smiled to her as she went down, and handed her a glass of champagne.

\- Cheers to my lovely new driver.

She took it and looked around to the candlelit table.

\- Wow, you've gone to some lengths for a driving license…

He shot her a mysterious look.

\- Maybe that's not the only reason…

She looked bemused as she walked to the table, and saw the small box on her plate.

\- John… What is that?! she asked, a joyous understanding starting to show on her face.

He smiled shyly as he took her hand and turned to face her.

\- Well, I know that we technically already agreed on this, but I thought you deserved a real proposal. So, Anna Smith, my beloved, would you do me the great honor of becoming my wife? he said, opening the box to reveal the engagement ring.

Anna brought her hand to her mouth as tears shined in her eyes.

\- Oh John… It's so beautiful… Of course I'll be your wife! It is all I've ever dreamed of!

He took the ring out of the box and took her hand again, to slowly put the ring on her finger. His eyes were shining too as he kissed her knuckles just below the ring, and said:

\- I love you Anna.

\- I love you too John, she said, circling her arms around his neck and pulling him into a kiss. When they parted, John gestured to the table.

\- So, if you would take your seat Milady, dinner will be served.

They ate while discussing plans for the wedding. They agreed that they both wanted something quiet and simple. Anna suggested a Christmas wedding.

\- You mean this Christmas? Or next?

\- This Christmas of course! We just agreed on quiet and simple, so we don't need a year and a half to plan! I can't wait to be your wife. And I'm also thinking of your mother… The more we wait the more we risk that she won't be there. And I know watching the two of us getting married would make her so happy…

\- You're right on that. So, this Christmas it is then. We'll have to set a date and start bookings very soon.

\- Maybe we should announce to everyone tomorrow?

They had invited all their friends and family to a housewarming barbecue the next day.

\- Oh yes, it'll be a good occasion.

\- Mary and Gwen are so going to be over the moon excited, she laughed.

John got up to clear their plates and bring the dessert. Before sitting down again, he switched on the Bluetooth loudspeaker and launched "Is that Alright" by Lady Gaga. Anna's eyes shone bright as she listened to the song's lyrics. She took John's hand and rested her cheek on its back, looking intently in his eyes.

" _Life is so simple, a little boy, a little girl  
Laughing and loving, tryin' to figure out the world_

_It felt like summer, when I kissed you in the rain  
And I know your story, but tell me again_

_Nothing you say wouldn't interest me  
All of your words are like poems to me  
I would be honored if you would take me as I am_

_I want you, to look right in my eyes  
To tell me you love me, to be by my side  
I want you, at the end of my life  
I wanna see your face when I fall with grace, at the moment I die  
Is that alright?_

_I hope you're still with me, when I'm not quite myself  
And I pray that you'll lift me, when you know I need help_

_It's a warm celebration, of all of our years  
I dream of our story, of our fairy-tale_

_Family dinners and family trees  
Teachin' the kids to say, "Thank you, " and, "Please"  
Knowin' if we stay together that things will be right_

_I want you, to look right in my eyes  
To tell me you love me, to be by my side  
I want you, at the end of my life  
Wanna see your face when I fall with grace, at the moment I die  
Is that alright?"_

When the song died out, she whispered:

\- That would be very very much alright.

She softly kissed his hand and let go of it, smiling.

\- So, how about this raspberry charlotte? When on earth did you find the time to get all this ready?

\- I must confess I had a little help. My mother made the charlotte. The rest I did this afternoon when you were out.

Anna laughed.

\- I'll have to thank her tomorrow then. It is so good, she said, putting a raspberry in her mouth. I must have her teach me some recipes.

Later that night, after they had celebrated their engagement in a more physical fashion, John was quietly dozing but was kept from completely drifting to sleep by Anna's twisting and turning on her side of the bed. He raised himself on his elbow and looked at her:

\- Anna, love, are you alright? Is something wrong?

She let out a somewhat frustrated laugh:

\- No, nothing! It's just, I'm so happy and excited, my brain just won't stop buzzing and making plans of its own accord. The more I tell myself I need to sleep, the less it works…

\- Oh, my… Well at least it's a happy buzz… Would you like me to give you a massage to help you relax?

She smiled and nodded:

\- Hmmm, that'd be worth a try…

She took her Tshirt off and laid on her front. Under his soft touch, he felt her muscles slowly relax, until her breath became more quiet and even, and he knew she was asleep. He deposited a light kiss on her shoulder and laid back on his side of the bed.

x x x x

At midday on the following day, almost all their friends and family started gathering in their living-room and garden. Fortunately the weather was good enough to enjoy a barbecue. Gwen and Mary were there of course. Mary was seven months pregnant and had come with Matthew and their son Georges, who hit off very quickly with Leslie's and Patrick's boy who was about the same age. They had also brought their daughter Emily and their four-months old baby Talia. Thomas and Richard were there, as well as Sybil and Tom Branson, who had left their children into Tom's mother's care. John had even invited Cora and Robert Crawley, along with Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson. Phyllis Baxter, William Mason and Ethel Parks had not been able to make it, being on duty that week-end, but Daisy had come.

All that merry assembly was chatting, eating and drinking while Anna and John went from one group to another, making sure everyone was content. They had earned many cheers and good wishes when they had publicly announced their engagement and told everyone that the date would soon be fixed around the next Christmas.

At some point in the afternoon, Anna went back into the house, and heard Talia's baby voice coming from the guest room. She had suggested to Leslie that she could use that room if she needed some privacy for nursing. She lightly knocked on the door and asked:

\- May I come in?

\- Sure, answered Leslie, who was sitting in the armchair, settling the baby at her breast.

\- So, how's this little one doing?

\- Quite well. She's easy, which is a relief after what we went through with the two elder…

\- I'm not sure I want to know, laughed Anna.

\- Congratulations on the engagement, smiled Leslie. I was wondering… she added hesitantly, if you had thought about Mum?

Anna stiffened a bit. She had thought about her mother a few times since John had proposed, but she still felt undecided.

\- Yes. But I don't know. I still feel very angry at her. I feel like she gave up on me. Have you kept in touch with her all this time?

\- I have, distantly. I was angry too, at first. But then, I understood that she was scared of Stephen, as much as we were. Even today she's still under his hold. That doesn't excuse of course, but it can explain.

\- No, that doesn't excuse anything, said Anna forcefully. Even when I was most afraid of Alex, I would NEVER have let him get away with abusing my child!

\- Neither would I. But she probably let go of you because she was so ashamed of her lack of reaction, of her weakness. I know she feels very badly about it. Anyway, I know that Stephen is ill. He's got advanced pancreatic cancer. He'll probably be dead by the time you get married. So I thought, if you ever want to reconnect with Mum, now might be a good time…

\- I'll think about it. But I don't know if I'll be able to forgive her one day.

\- I hope we'll be better mothers to our children. Break that ugly cycle.

The two sisters exchanged a sad look. Anna squeezes Leslie's hand.

\- I'm sure we will. You are already anyway.

x x x x

Everyone enjoyed themselves through the afternoon. As Anna had fore-viewed, Gwen and Mary were very excited about the incoming wedding preparations. Mary was quite horrified by the short period of time they had until Christmas.

\- Five months to plan a wedding, are you both daft or what?

\- But we want something simple Mary. We won't have so many guests. About all the people here today, and not many more… We haven't discussed it yet, but I don't think we'll go to church, it'll be just City Hall. We'll find a place to rent, and a caterer for a nice meal, and that's it.

\- That's it, repeated Mary flatly.

The lady doctor, who had spent eighteen months planning her own wedding into the smallest details, could only acknowledge that Anna and she did not live on the same planet when it came to wedding standards.

\- Anyway, I can help you until that baby comes, but I can't promise anything once she'll be born. I'll probably be too sleep-deprived to be of any use…

\- Don't worry, we'll manage with John and Gwen.

The other girl nodded firmly.

\- The wedding-planning team is ready Captain! she joked.

\- Oh, but Mary, could you give me your cousin's number, the one who's a professional singer? What's her name again?

\- You mean Rose McClare?

\- Yes, that's her.

\- Why, do you want her to sing at the wedding?

\- Yeah, maybe. I need to discuss things with her, said Anna mysteriously.

\- Alright I'll text you her number.

\- Thanks.

The afternoon was ending and the guests started leaving. John drove Margaret back to her residence, and they found themselves alone in the quiet house, surrounded by the mess left by the party. Anna let herself fall on the couch, sighing deeply.

\- Well, that was a nice day! I think everyone had fun, she said

\- I think so. Anyway I can tell you Russel and Georges were quite the gang! And Emily and Talia are so cute. It was nice to hear children laughing around us.

\- Yeah… answered Anna, unsure where the conversation was headed. What's your point? she asked, arching her eyebrows.

\- Nothing, just… You said we'd talk about kids again when our home was ready, so…

\- There are still boxes, and we have no curtains on the windows, she said.

John smiled.

\- You know what I mean. So, what do you say, he asked, sitting next to her and stroking her cheek.

\- I say… that we are getting married in five months, and that I'd rather not be pregnant on my wedding day. I'd like to have champagne and be able to dance all I want.

\- Alright. So we'll talk about it next year.

\- Yes.

\- Again.

She didn't answer to this last comment. He could feel that she was not telling everything, but he didn't want to press on the subject. She felt uneasy about the thought of being pregnant again. What she had told John about the wedding was true, but it was not the main reason. The truth was, she was deeply scared.


	15. You in the White Dress, Me Looking Like a Fool

On a rainy Autumn afternoon, Anna was alone at home, working on the wedding plans. They had set a date, found a guesthouse in the Yorkshire countryside that they had rented. The dress had been ordered and she had an appointment in two week’s time for a fitting. She had been meeting Rose McClare regularly to discuss the music arrangements. John had agreed with her that they didn’t need to go to church. The only reason they would have married in church would have been to please Margaret, and as much as they loved the old lady, it hadn’t seemed like a sufficient reason to them. So they had booked on York’s City Hall. Six weeks ahead of the wedding day, things were well under way. That day, Anna was folding the invitations, putting them into envelopes and writing the names and addresses of the guests. She was left with one last envelope. All the names on the guest list had been crossed, but one. Anna looked at the blank envelope for a long time, then sighed deeply, and slowly started writing on it: “Mrs Eileen Smith”. She didn’t know how to renew her ties with her mother, so she had thought she would just send her an invitation, and see what happened. Leslie had informed her a few weeks ago that Stephen had finally died, which had been a relief to both of them. When she had finished writing the address, she put the envelope on the top of the pile with the others, took them all and put them in a small bag that she hanged near to her coat so that she wouldn’t forget to put them in the mail the next day.

She had begun preparing dinner when John came back from work. Hanging his coat next to hers, he shrugged and said:

\- Man, what an awful weather. It’s getting really cold!

Walking towards the kitchen, he came behind Anna and put his hands on her hips, kissing her in the neck.

\- Good evening darling. Smelling good, what are you cooking?

\- A shepherd’s pie.

\- Good, I’m starving!

\- It’ll be ready in twenty minutes, she said, turning back to kiss his lips.

Half an hour later, they were both seated eating their pie. After sharing their respective day’s event, John looked at Anna and said:

\- Hey, I’ve been wondering. What name will you want to use when we’re married? Will you be Mrs Bates? Mrs Smith? Mrs Smith-Bates? Have you thought about it?

\- I have, answered Anna. I want to be Mrs Bates, she said looking him in the eyes.

He smiled, as she went on:

\- I know it’s not very fashionable to carry on the patriarchal tradition of taking one’s husband’s name, but I have my reasons.

\- Oh yes? Which are? he asked curiously.

\- Well, first, I want us to be a family, and thus to bear the same name. Both of us and any children we might have. And second, I want to put in the past for good all the bad things that happened to me when I was Anna Smith. You helped me build a new person, and that person’s name will be Anna Bates.

He looked at her with bright eyes, and squeezed her hand.

\- That means a lot to me.

\- Probably not as much as it does to me darling, she said, squeezing his hand back. Although, she added, at work I might have to go on being addressed as Nurse Smith. Imagine if we were Nurse Bates and Nurse Bates… That would drive everyone crazy, she laughed.

\- Good point, answered John.

* * *

A week later, it was John’s turn to be alone at home, while Anna was at Downton. Night had already fallen on this late November afternoon, when someone rang at the door. He got up from his desk, leaving an unfinished email to Mrs Patmore, the wedding caterer, and went to open, wondering who could be visiting at this time of the day. He found himself face to face with an anxious-looking woman. He thought she might be in her late fifties, and while he had never seen her before, she looked vaguely familiar to him.

\- Hello? How may I help you?

The woman was nervously toying with her coat’s buttons. She looked him from the top down and asked:

\- Hum, is Anna there?

When he heard the woman speak Anna’s name, he suddenly understood who she was and why she looked so familiar.

\- No, she’s at work. Are you… Anna’s mother?

\- I am, she said, looking down. And are you… John?

\- That’s me.

\- Oh. I thought you’d be… but she didn’t finish her sentence, not wanting to offend him.

\- Younger, you mean? Or fitter perhaps?

\- No, no… I mean, yes, maybe, younger, I guess.

\- Well I’m sorry to disappoint, he said flatly.

\- Oh no, that’s not what I meant, sorry.

\- So, Eileen, is it? Anna should be home in about twenty minutes, do you want to come in and have tea?

He wondered for a moment how Anna would react, coming home and finding her mother, whom she had not seen for more than twelve years, sitting in her living-room unannounced. But he didn’t want to be rude to his future mother-in-law, and didn’t dare turn her away.

Indeed, when Anna entered the house moments later, as John and Eileen were both sitting in the armchairs with their cup of tea, she froze and became quite pale. She shot a confused look at John, who answered with a “I’m-sorry-she-just-dropped-by” glance. Her gaze went back to her mother, but she still didn’t seem to find any words. Eileen got up, and said in a somewhat strained voice:

\- Good evening Anna.

At the sound of her voice, Anna felt like a hard blow had hit her square in her stomach. A rush of unpleasant sensations filled her in less than a second. Suddenly she was feeling Stephen's hands on her body, the fear that was creeping inside her, the knife that she was holding so tightly, she could see the blood everywhere and hear her mother’s screams. She felt like the desperate seventeen-years-old girl she was that night when she had fled her home with only a backpack. She muffled a sob with her hand on her mouth, mumbled “I’m sorry”, and ran upstairs to their bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She then crumbled on the floor beside the bed and hid her face on the sheets, weeping. Downstairs, John got up and told Eileen sternly:

\- That’s the kind of reaction I feared. You shouldn’t have come without warning. Excuse me, I have to go check on her.

\- I’m sorry, yes, go.

He limped his way up the stairs, and knocked on the bedroom’s door.

\- Sweetheart, it’s me, may I come in?

When she didn’t answer, he slowly opened the door and entered the room. He sat on the edge of the bed, and started stroking her hair, repeating softly:

\- Anna, it’s alright, darling, it’s alright.

After a while, seeing that the sobs didn’t seem to quiet down, he took her hands and made her get up and sit next to him on the bed. He made her look at him and said firmly:

\- Anna, look at me. Look me in the eyes. There. It’s alright. You are safe. I am here with you, everything’s fine. Nothing bad can happen to you right now. Are you with me love?

She half-nodded through her tears, and started slowly breathing in and out.

\- That’s right love, deep breaths. Slowly. I love you, it’s alright.

After leading her into several deep soothing breaths, he said:

\- Better? Is the flashback gone?

\- I think so, she said shakily. Man, that was violent. I haven’t had such a hard-hitting PTSD attack in months. Why the hell did she come unannounced?!

\- That was not very clever indeed. But I didn’t dare turn her away… So, what now? Do you want  to go down and  see her, or do you want me to tell her to leave?

She briefly closed her eyes, before answering:

\- No, I’ll try and talk to her. But stay close to me please.

She got up and took a handkerchief in the box sitting on their chest of drawers, and wiped her red and puffy eyes. She then turned to John, and held out her hand for him to take.

\- Let’s go down.

They went back to the living-room. Anna sat on the couch and John took seat right beside her, circling her waist with his arm, so that she could feel his protective presence. Eileen was still seated in the armchair. Her eyes were red too, as she had obviously cried during their absence. Anna started talking, her eyes on the floor:

\- I’m sorry Mum. I didn’t expect to see you tonight, it was a bit… unsettling.

\- No, I’m sorry Anna, said Eileen, making a move to put her hand on Anna’s where it was resting on the couch’s armrest. But Anna took her hand away before Eileen could reach her. She awkwardly took her hand back and folded her hands in her lap. She said in a small voice:

\- I know I have been a lousy mother, and it’s all the more obvious to me when I see what the sight of me does to you. As your mum I should be able to comfort you, not the opposite.

\- Well maybe it’s about twelve years too late Mum, Anna said coldly.

\- Yes. I know. And believe me or not, I have hated myself for twelve years for that. You know that he’s dead?

\- Yes, Leslie told me.

\- I’m glad that you too have reconnected.

\- So am I.

\- I am so very sorry Anna. For everything he did to both of you. To me too, but that’s not the point today. I have failed to protect my two girls and I will never forgive myself for it. And I understand if you can’t either.

\- Yeah, said Anna flatly.

\- But receiving your wedding invitation made me very happy. John here seems to be a very good man, and I hope very dearly that you will be happy together. I’ll be glad to come to your wedding, if you still want me there. I’ll be glad to have a little place in your future life if you want me to. And I’ll understand if you don’t want me to.

\- I… don’t know. You can come to the wedding. And then… we’ll see.

\- Alright. Now I will leave you two in peace. Thank you for letting me in John, it has been nice meeting you, she said, getting up from the armchair.

She held out her hand for him to shake, which he did with a somewhat stiff smile.

\- Goodnight Eileen.

She nodded to him, and turned to Anna. She didn’t try to make contact this time, and just said:

\- Goodnight Anna. I love you my girl. You have become a very beautiful young woman. I’ll see you at the wedding.

When John had closed the door on her, he turned back to Anna, who threw herself in his arms, weeping, letting out all the stress she had held inside her for the last hour. Sniffing, she said:

\- Man, I’m glad I’m seeing my therapist on Thursday, because I think I’ll need a serious debriefing on that one. What kind of move is that to come down without warning after a twelve years’ silence?!

\- I think that, like you, she didn’t know how to proceed, and she did something quite clumsy…

He bent to kiss her forehead.

\- Come on, let’s have dinner.

Later that night, they were both settled into bed. Anna was still very tense, and she kept shifting in the bed. She let out a frustrated grunt.

\- Man, I’m wasted, but I can’t relax.

\- Come here love, said John, pulling her close and kissing her.

Sweet energy started flowing through her again as their tongues searched for each other. When they parted, she whispered:

\- Oh please John, make love to me. I could really use the endorphins tonight.

\- My pleasure… he answered as his hand found its way under her T-shirt until it met her breast and started lightly kneading it.

* * *

Three days later, Anna and John met on their doorstep, as she was coming back from her therapist’s appointment and he was coming home from work. Anna was bringing home groceries, and they both started putting things away in the kitchen and preparing dinner.

\- So, how did the appointment go? asked John.

Anna breathed out heavily:

\- It was… dense. Disturbing. But useful I think. I think she’s trying to make me go past the anger and fear I felt as a teenager and see the larger picture with an adult’s eye.

\- That must be hard.

\- Yes. It is. You saw it the other day. The seventeen-years-old is still there, not far inside… But I guess I’m starting to figure out that my Mum was in fact also Stephen’s victim, and not his accomplice. The counselor suggested I ask her to come with me and have some appointments together.

\- Oh. How do you feel about it?

\- I think it might be a good idea. But not right now, maybe after the wedding. Our wedding day’s just a month away, I don’t want to be too much of a mess at that time… Speaking of which, she added with a happy gleam in her eyes, I went for the last dress fitting this morning with Gwen.

\- Ooh, nice. I can’t wait to see the result, he grinned. And I had a call from Mrs Patmore on my lunch break, everything’s OK for the wedding dinner. She seems quite a perfectionist!

\- Yeah, she did Mary's wedding, it was grand. I was almost surprised she agreed to work for ours, I’d have thought we were too small a party for her. But then I guess there aren’t so many winter weddings to compete.

\- So, everything’s looking good, he said, pulling her into an embrace.

\- Seems so, she answered, kissing his cheek.

* * *

For their first Christmas in their new home, Anna and John invited Margaret, Leslie and Patrick and their children on Christmas Eve. Everything was ready for the wedding two days later, and the atmosphere was light and cheerful.

On December 27th, just before lunch, Gwen was parked outside 31 Windmill Road and honking the horn. She entered the house and called joyfully:

\- Hey there, I’m coming to kidnap the bride! Hi John! Happy wedding day! she said, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. Where’s Anna?

\- She’s upstairs, finishing to pack her bag for the night.

\- Ooooh, the wedding night… said Gwen with a saucy look.

John laughed as Anna appeared on the upper floor landing.

\- Hi Gwen, I’m coming!

She was holding a small carry-all. The dress and every other items she needed for the ceremony had already been stored at Gwen’s.

Anna kissed John goodbye:

\- See you later Mr Bates!

\- Alright, almost-Mrs-Bates! he answered cheerfully. So, that’s it, here we are. You in the white dress, me looking like a fool… he said with a giddy smile.

She laughed as Gwen pulled on her hand and took her away.

* * *

It was four o’clock on York's City Hall’s register office, and John was nervously waiting standing in front of the registrar. All their friends from Downton were there, along with their family (counting only both their mothers and Leslie’s family). They had also invited a few oh their neighbors whom they had befriended since moving into Windmill Road: Beth, a single midwife who live right across the street, and a couple of teachers who lived a few houses down the street. The quiet chatter died down when Anna entered the room, shyly smiling and obviously glowing with happiness. John held his breath when he discovered the plain white dress, simple but very well-fitted. Her hair was put up in a very elaborate hairdo, courtesy of Gwen’s magic touch, with a few blond curls let loose around her ears, a small white flowers scattered around her head. Margaret’s jewels were shining on her ears and chest, and their sight brought tears to John’s eyes. He thought his heart might burst with love and joy.

She walked up to the registrar’s desk, while their respective witnesses took their seats. Anna had obviously chosen Gwen and Mary as hers, while John had asked Thomas and Patrick to be his. She silently squeezed his hand when she came next to him, and they both turned to face the register officer. After a short welcoming speech, the registrar proceeded:

\- You will now pronounce your wedding vows.

Anna and John turned to face one another, their eyes shining bright with joy. The registrar turned first to John:

\- I, John Bates…

\- I, John Bates, repeated John with a large smile.

\- Take thee Anna May Smith…

\- Take thee Anna May Smith…

\- To be my wedded wife.

\- To be my wedded wife.

Tears threatened in Anna’s eyes and her voice trembled slightly when it was her turn to speak:

\- I, Anna May Smith…

\- I, Anna May Smith…

\- Take thee John Bates…

\- Take thee John Bates…

\- To be my wedded husband.

\- To be my wedded husband.

\- And now, the ring, said the registrar, looking to John.

John took the wedding ring out of the box that Thomas had just discreetly handed him, and put it on Anna’s finger, stopping midway and holding her hand in both of his.

\- With this ring, I plight thee my troth.

\- With this ring, I plight thee my troth….

\- As a symbol of all we have promised…

\- As a symbol of all we have promised…

\- And all that we share.

\- And all that we share.

Anna grinned happily and tears rolled down her cheeks as John slid the ring fully on her finger. The registrar concluded:

\- It therefore gives me great pleasure to say you are now husband and wife together.

They exchanged their first married kiss as the assembly cheered and applauded around them.

* * *

It had been decided that the bride and groom should not be driving themselves to the guesthouse where they were having the reception, so Patrick had volunteered to be their driver. Hence Anna and John were both seated at the rear of John’s car, both giddy with happiness, their cheeks hurting from smiling too much. Anna was watching the frost covered Yorkshire landscape, quickly falling into darkness on this late December afternoon, when she heard the familiar ring of a Whatsapp notification in her purse. She looked back to John with an interrogative look. He shot her a sheepish grin in response, not saying anything. She grabbed her phone and looked at the Whatsapp thread:

***Bruno Mars – Just the way you are**

**[https://youtu.be/LjhCEhWiKXk*](https://youtu.be/LjhCEhWiKXk) **

“ _Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shinin'  
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying  
She's so beautiful and I tell her everyday  
Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me  
And it's so, it's so sad to think that she don't see what I see  
But every time she asks me, "Do I look okay?" I say_

_When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change  
'Cause you're amazing, just the way you are  
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while  
'Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are_

_Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she'd let me  
Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy  
She's so beautiful, and I tell her everyday  
Oh, you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change  
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same  
So don't even bother asking if you look okay, you know I'll say_

_When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change  
'Cause you're amazing, just the way you are  
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while  
'Cause, girl, you're amazing, just the way you are”_

She smiled as she launched the song. The sound was not ideal on the phone’s speaker, but it made her heart melt anyway.

\- Do you think Bruno Mars knows us? she said with a happy grin.

\- Ahah, maybe he does, he answered, taking her hand into his. So, Mrs Bates, he continued on a softer and quieter voice. I’m so happy we have found our way together.

\- So am I, Mr Bates.

  
  


They arrived at the guesthouse under the applause of the guests who were already there. Mrs Patmore and her staff had laid out the cocktails and amuse-bouches int the guesthouse’s large sitting-room. The mood was light and cheerful, faces smiling and kids running around. Night was already quite dark outside. John had introduced Eileen and Margaret and the two ladies were quietly chatting, getting acquainted and discussing the couple formed by their respective children. Anna was enjoying her first glass of champagne with Gwen and Leslie when Beth, her neighbor came to her to offer her congratulations:

\- Hello Anna, congratulations, you look amazing! she exclaimed.

Beth was a tall black woman, with stunning light gray eyes and shining white teeth.

\- Oh thank you Beth, it’s so nice of you to have come!

Anna turned to the two other women and started introducing everyone:

\- Beth, this is my sister Leslie, and this is Gwen, one of my best friends, and also a co-worker at Downton. Girls, this is Beth, who lives in the house just across the street in Windmill Road. She’s a midwife.

The three women shook hands warmly and started making social conversation and exchanging polite words.

  
  


Later in the evening, everyone had settled in the dining-room and enjoyed Mrs Patmore’s delicious dinner. When the main course was over, Anna looked over to Rose McClare, who winked back at her, and gestured to her musicians to get on the small makeshift stage they had built in a corner of the dining-room. Anna breathed deeply, and got up. John took her hand and asked her, surprised:

\- Where are you going, love?

She smiled sheepishly and answered:

\- You’ll see very soon.

She started making her way towards the stage. Rose took the microphone and announced:

\- Good evening everyone. Before dessert is served, let us enjoy a little musical interlude. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the bride, Mrs Anna Bates!

Anna got up on the stage, all flushed, grateful that she’d had some champagne to help her loosen up. She took the mic from Rose’s hand, giving her a thankful smile. She started in a somewhat trembling voice:

\- Hi everyone, and thank you so much for being here tonight. John, we have come such a long way since we met at Downton, but I remember so clearly of that day when you looked in my eyes and shook my hand for the first time. I can never thank you enough for your love, your patience and your support on the rough path we’ve traveled together. I couldn’t dream of a better man, because there isn’t one. I remember one of the first things you told me about you was, I quote, “that one of your weirdnesses was that you had a strange fancy for cheesy love songs”. So, tonight, let me offer you one.

She turned around and nodded to the musicians, who nodded back and started playing. She exhaled slowly to soothe her pounding heart, and started singing Shania Twain’s “From this moment”.

“ _From this moment, life has begun  
From this moment, you are the one  
Right beside you is where I belong  
From this moment on_

_From this moment, I have been blessed  
I live only for your happiness  
And for your love, I'd give my last breath  
From this moment on_

_I give my hand to you with all my heart  
I can't wait to live my life with you, I can't wait to start  
You and I will never be apart  
My dreams came true because of you_

_From this moment as long as I live  
I will love you, I promise you this  
There is nothing I wouldn't give  
From this moment on, oh_

_You're the reason I believe in love  
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above  
All we need is just the two of us  
My dreams came true because of you_

_From this moment as long as I live  
I will love you, I promise you this  
There is nothing I wouldn't give  
From this moment  
I will love you as long as I live  
From this moment on”_

John was staring at her, awestruck, a look of unending wonder on his face. She had rehearsed in secret with Rose and her band to make this song a surprise for him. Mary, who was sitting next to him, looked baffled too. She leaned towards John and whispered:

\- Look at her… John, did you know she could sing?

\- No Mary… I did not.

\- But isn’t she marvelous?

\- Yes, she is. She’s marvelous.

When the song was over, Anna looked down to John and burst into tears. She had fought so hard for a few minutes to keep her shyness and stage fright under control, she had to let it all out. She half-walked and half-ran down the stage, and threw herself into John’s arms, who had got up and started walking towards her. When she managed to collect herself and the applause had died down, she went to sit back in her chair next to a beaming Gwen who hugged her warmly. John went towards the stage and took the mic from Rose. He cleared his throat, and his voice was trembling as he started:

\- Anna… That was… the most wonderful surprise. Everyday of my life I will be thankful to Dr Crawley for offering me this job, and thus permitting me to meet you. You are an angel sent on earth, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. How and why has fate deemed me valuable enough to be granted your love, I will never know, but I have given up on understanding that. All I know is: I will love you however, whatever, whenever. Thank you so much for that beautiful song.

He gave the mic back to Rose as everyone cheered and applauded.

Mrs Patmore’s team started serving dessert as chatter started going free again among the guests. Anna noticed that Gwen had moved to go and sit near Beth, and the two women were in deep conversation. Mark, Gwen’s boyfriend, was sitting back looking quite bored. Gwen had been with the man for about six months, since she had met him at her sport’s club. Anna had only met him briefly a couple of times before, and had not felt overly warm towards him. It seemed that Gwen’s feelings for him where much deeper than his for her, and Anna worried that her friend would end up getting hurt by this relationship. Anyway, there was nothing Anna could do about it, and right now her red-headed friend seemed to be enjoying herself in Beth’s company. When dessert had been eaten, plates were cleared and tables and chairs moved to the sides of the room, in order to clear some space for a bit of dancing. Rose McClare and her boyfriend Jack Ross, along with their musicians were providing the music. For the opening of the ball, they started playing an acoustic cover of Coldplay’s “Hymn for the Week-end”. Anna took John’s hand and led him to the center of the room. John was limited in terms of dancing capacities, since his bad leg, but for that slow piece, he could manage. On hand on his crutch, and the other around Anna’s waist, he smiled at her as she put one arm around his shoulder and the other one on his waist. They started swaying around slowly to the soft music.

“ _Oh, angel sent from up above,_ _y_ _ou know you make my world light up_ _  
_ _When I was down, when I was hurt,_ _y_ _ou came to lift me up_ _  
_ _Life is a drink, and love's a drug,_ _o_ _h now I think I must be miles up_ _  
_ _When I was_ _a river_ _dried up,_ _y_ _ou came to rain a flood_ _  
_ _So drink for me, drink for me,_ _w_ _hen I was so thirsty_ _  
_ _We're on a symphony,_ _n_ _ow I just can't get enough_ _  
_ _Put your wings on me, wings on me,_ _w_ _hen I was so heavy_ _  
_ _We're on a symphony,_ _w_ _hen I'm lower, lower, lower, low_ _  
_ _Ah-oh-ah-oh-ah,_ _g_ _ot me feeling drunk and high,_ _s_ _o high, so high_ _  
_ _Oh-ah-oh-ah-oh-ah_ _,_ _I'm feeling drunk and high,_ _s_ _o high, so high_ _  
_ _Oh, angel sent from up above,_ _I_ _feel it coursing through my blood_ _  
_ _Life is a drink, your love's about,_ _t_ _o make the stars come out_ _  
_ _Put your wings on me, wings on me,_ _w_ _hen I was so heavy_ _  
_ _We're on a symphony,_ _w_ _hen I'm lower, lower, lower, low_ _  
_ _Ah-oh-ah-oh-ah,_ _g_ _ot me feeling drunk and high,_ _s_ _o high, so high_ _  
_ _Oh-ah-oh-ah-oh-ah, I'm feeling drunk and high,_ _s_ _o high, so high_ _  
_ _Then we'll shoot across the sky_ _  
_ _Then we'll shoot across the..._ _  
_ _Then we'll shoot across the sky_ _  
_ _Then we'll shoot across the…”_

When the song was over, they softly kissed and John went back to sit near his mother and Mrs Hughes on the side of the room, while the band moved on to some more energetic tunes and the young and fit gathered in the center to dance. Anna passed from arms to arms, dancing with Thomas, Richard, Patrick or William. She even shared a dance with Robert Crawley, feeling shy and a little out of place. After a while, she went back to rest a little, sitting with John and the gang of older ladies formed by their mothers and Mrs Hughes. Margaret beamed at her:

\- Oh Anna, you don’t know how happy I am to have lived to see this day. You are glowing bright as a star tonight, and I’m so happy for both of you.

\- Thank you Margaret, said Anna, flushing and hugging her mother-in-law.

\- I’m very happy for you too my girl, added Eileen. You and John make a wonderful couple.

\- Thanks Mum, she answered, smiling at her. But she didn’t move to hug her.

After a few hours, the guests started retiring and Anna and John decided to call it a night and go up to their room. When the door had closed upon the two of them, they both looked at each other with giddy smiles, until John suddenly swept Anna off her feet and pulled her into a heated kiss in which she eagerly took part. When he couldn’t handle her weight anymore, he let go of her on a large armchair, and she landed on the cushions laughing out loud. He bent over her and showered her with kisses on her neck, shoulders and cleavage. She sighed as she kicked off her shoes and moaned:

\- Man, I can’t feel my feet from all the dancing…

So John sat on the footrest that matched the armchair, and took her feet in his lap. They were still covered in her white stockings and he massaged them gently for a little time, while she reveled int the smoothing feeling with contented sighs. He then started moving his hands slowly up her legs, sliding her dress upwards, until he met the bare skin on her thighs above where the stocking’s lace ended. She shivered under his touch. He moved his hands a little further up again, meeting her lace panty, hooked his fingers under the edge of the fabric, and started gently pulling it down.

\- I don’t think you’ll be needing this anymore, he said seriously.

Anna arched her eyebrows, and shifted on the armchair to allow him to remove the panty completely. He didn’t try to remove her stockings, but instead, knelt down on the floor in front of her, taking one of her legs on each side of him.

\- John, what are you doing? You’re going to hurt your knee, she said, concerned.

\- Don’t worry about me, I’ll be perfectly fine, he said.

He looked in her eyes with a saucy look and added:

\- I’m going down on my new wife.

Anna’s cheek went pink, and she didn’t argue further, settling down in needy anticipation. He slid his hands slowly up the inside of her calves and thighs, until he met her center, and bent down to start working with his lips and tongue. Anna gasped and closed her eyes, enjoying the moment. This was one of the pleasures that John had initiated her to since they had started on physical relationships. Obviously Alex had never taken the trouble to offer that kind of gift to her, although he had often demanded the reverse from her. She had always enjoyed it when John had performed it, but she still felt a little guilty at not being able to give him his piece back. That was something she still couldn’t bring herself to do, the memory being still too traumatic to her. John assured her that he didn’t mind, but she still felt bad about it. Under John’s ministrations, pleasure was quickly rising into her and soon she felt that she was going to get over the edge. She passed her fingers through John’s hair and pulled his head away from her.

\- Oh John, stop, I won’t be able to hold it back much longer.

He looked up to her and answered:

\- But that is precisely what I want darling.

\- But what about you? I mean, I’m sorry, you know I can’t…

He shook his head:

\- Tss, tss, don’t worry about me Anna. This is your moment.

And he bent back down on her with renewed ardor. She stopped trying to control her sensations and surrendered to the mounting wave. A few minutes later she was coming apart, clutching on the armchair’s armrests and breathing hard.

* * *

On the next day, after saying goodbye to all their guests, John and Anna went away for a ten days honeymoon in the Canary Islands. They spent there the most happy time of their life, enjoying their intimacy, discovering the beautiful landscapes and spending many hours making love in all sorts of fashions. They saw the New Year come watching the stars on a Tenerife Beach. When the time came for wishes, John didn’t dare bring up the topic of children, and instead waited to see if Anna brought it up herself. But she didn’t. It puzzled him and saddened him a bit, but he thought she was still too caught up in the aftermath of the wedding, and that they could discuss the matter later, when they were back home. Or that maybe, just like him, she had waited to see if he talked about it, and he hadn’t. Anyway, he pushed the subject in a back corner of his mind, and enjoyed their time together.


	16. Something Just Like This

Back home, they went back to their daily routine, working at Downton, as winter slowly turned into spring. Anna was doing joint appointments with her mother and her counselor, trying to mend their broken relationship, and from what she was telling John, they were slowly rebuilding bridges between them. It seemed quite demanding for Anna, so John didn’t dare bother her too much with his child longing. They were just married, he told himself. They had time.

On a Sunday morning in mid-April, the doorbell rang. Anna went to open the door to find Mary on the doorstep, holding six-months-old Caroline.

\- Hi Auntie Anna! beamed Mary while entering the house.

Anna took the baby in her arms while Mary pushed her stroller inside and put down the big diaper bag on their table.

\- Thank you so much for babysitting her! George has been pestering us for months to go to this amusement park, so we wanted to take him for his sixth birthday.

\- No problem, it’s our pleasure, answered Anna.

John was coming down the stairs, and came to greet Mary.

\- Hi Mary, hey little princess, he cooed over the smiling baby.

\- So, said Mary in a business-like tone, she usually naps about an hour in the morning, and another two in the afternoon. She’ll take a bottle around noon and another one around 3.30. I put the powder in the bag, with the bottles already filled with water, so you just need to pour the powder in. There are two separate doses, one for each bottle. There's also a fruit sauce you can give her in the afternoon if she’s still hungry. There’s a stack of diapers, a spare set of clothes in case there’s some kind of mess, her favorite stuffed bear, her pacifier, a few toys…

Anna laughed at the endless enumeration:

\- Alright, we’ll be fine, don’t worry! Enjoy your grown-up day! What time do you think you’ll be back?

\- Around five pm if that’s OK with you?

\- No problem, said John.

\- OK, so I’ll let you. It’ll be good training for when you have your own! hinted Mary.

\- Sure, smiled John, looking sideways at Anna.

But Anna didn’t answer and just stroked Caroline’s cheek.

\- Say bye-bye to Mummy, Caroline, she said, holding the baby’s hand up in a bye-bye movement.

\- See you later sweetie, said Mary, kissing her daughter on her forehead.

* * *

When Caroline woke up from her afternoon nap, the weather being fine and quite warm for the season, John and Anna decided to take the baby out to the nearby park. They walked leisurely in the green alleys, Anna pushing the stroller, until Caroline started to fuss, and they sat on a bench to give her her bottle. John took out and prepared the bottle while Anna rocked the wailing baby. She stopped crying the second Anna put the bottle in her mouth, as she started to suckle greedily on it. Anna laughed:

\- Man this girl has got quite an appetite!

\- That she does, nodded John, watching Anna holding the little girl with a bittersweet smile.

When she had downed the whole bottle, she started fussing again, seemingly asking for more. So John reached for the fruit sauce in the bag and started feeding it to the baby who was still in Anna’s lap.

An old lady stopped in front of them and started staring at them with a fond smile. They didn’t notice her at first, until Anna looked up to her and the lady beamed at them:

\- What a lovely family you make! That’s a gorgeous baby you have here. She’s precious!

Anna tensed a bit and answered in a polite but somewhat cold tone:

\- Yes, thank you, we’ll make sure to tell her parents, because she’s not ours.

\- Oh, I’m sorry, said the old lady. Well, good day to you, she added, before turning hastily away.

Anna looked back down at the baby, mumbling:

\- People really should mind their own business.

John continued feeding the gurgling baby who opened the largest mouth every time he presented her with the spoon. He tentatively asked:

\- Wouldn’t you like it though? If it were our own baby people were stopping to compliment?

Anna pressed her lips together, not answering. It seemed to John that she was blinking a little too hard as she looked away from him and shrugged. John sighed. He really did not understand why she was so nervous whenever they talked about kids, and why she kept avoiding and delaying the subject. At the beginning of their relationship she had seemed willing to have kids. She had talked about it a few times. So what could have changed?

\- Is she done? asked Anna, tearing him out of his thoughts.

\- She is, he answered, wiping the baby’s mouth with the napkin.

\- Let’s go and continue our walk then, she said, getting up and putting Caroline back into her stroller.

Later in the day, after the Crawleys had come back and picked up their daughter, Anna and John were sitting in their living-room, both nursing a cup of tea. Anna was reading a magazine. John braced himself, and said:

\- Anna, I think there’s something we need to talk about.

She looked up from her magazine, arching her eyebrows.

\- Oh yes? And what would that be?

He drew in a sharp breath, and exhaled slowly, before going on:

\- Look, darling. If you don’t want to have children, I wish you would tell me. That is something I can hear, and something we can discuss. But please don’t lead me on, always telling me “later”. There’s nothing worse than false hope.

While he was speaking, Anna had tensed. She was looking to her knees, and kept twisting her hands in her lap. When she didn’t answer, John got up and went to sit beside her on the couch. He gently put his hand under her chin, and made her look at him. He saw that her eyes were full of unshed tears. He asked softly:

\- Anna, darling, please. Tell me what’s inside. What’s wrong?

Her chin started trembling as she managed:

\- There’s just so much, I don’t even know where to start… I am… terrified, John.

\- Oh, sweetheart… he said, bringing his hand to caress her cheek. But why would you be?

\- Well, for a start, I recall painfully too well how it hurt when I lost this first baby, a child I had not even wished for. So I’m scared to death about how it would feel like if I were to lose your child, that I desire so much. And then, I’m so afraid I would be a lousy mother, just like mine has been… I mean, what if we have a girl and I’m not able to protect her, and… bad things happen to her too… And even if we have a boy, it can happen too.

Tears were falling down her cheeks now, as she kept on pouring all her worse fears out.

\- What if we have a boy and he ends up doing some of those horrible things!

John stepped in, trying to soothe her. He put both his hands on her upper arms, tenderly squeezing.

\- Now, darling, ssshhh, breathe. Hey, come on, it’s alright to be scared. It’s alright to feel all these things. In fact, I feel them too.

\- Do you? she asked, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.

\- Of course. But I’m telling myself, there’s no reason we should lose another baby. The doctor told you everything was fine, didn’t he? As for the other things, well, it’s true, the moment we bring a child into the world, we won’t be able to control everything they do and all that happens to them. We’ll just have to do our best to protect and educate them, so that they are able to know what’s good and bad and how to defend themselves. And if something bad ever happens, we’ll have to deal with it, as a family. And I know it’s scary, but we cannot let fear prevent us from living our lives, can we? If we never try, then we’ll never know what we’re worth! You’ve overcome so much in life already, I see no reason why you should not be able to do this. I love you so much Anna, and I know you are so strong. I know you can do this. It’s alright to be afraid, that’s just being human. You don’t need to be a superhero. Besides, I saw you today with Caroline, you’re such a natural. You’ll be a wonderful mum.

He opened his arms to her, and she came to snuggle in his embrace, silently sobbing in his chest.

\- Have you ever discussed those fears with your therapist?

\- No, said Anna. We’ve been too busy working with my mum lately.

\- Maybe you should, don’t you think?

\- Yes, maybe I should, she said, sniffing.

\- Come on, let me draw you a bath darling, said John, kissing the back of her hand.

He got up from the couch and pulled her hand to lead her to the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, Anna was relaxing in her hot bubble bath, while John, sitting on the edge of the bathtub, was softly massaging her skull. He stopped for a moment, to reach for his phone in his pocket, opened Spotify and launched on the Bluetooth speaker a Coldplay song called “Something Just Like This”:

“ _I've been reading books of old, the legends and the myths  
Achilles and his gold, Hercules and his gifts  
Spider-Man's control, and Batman with his fists  
And clearly I don't see myself upon that list_

_But she said, where'd you wanna go? How much you wanna risk?  
I'm not lookin' for somebody with some superhuman gifts  
Some superhero, some fairy-tale bliss  
Just something I can turn to, somebody I can kiss_

_I want something just like this  
Oh, I want something just like this  
I've been reading books of old, the legends and the myths  
The testaments they told, the moon and its eclipse  
And Superman unrolls a suit before he lifts  
But I'm not the kind of person that it fits_

_She said, where'd you wanna go? How much you wanna risk?  
I'm not lookin' for somebody with some superhuman gifts  
Some superhero, some fairy-tale bliss  
Just something I can turn to, somebody I can miss_

_I want something just like this  
I want something just like this”_

  
  


_* * *_

  
  


Anna was home preparing a birthday dinner for John, who wasn’t yet back from Downton. Just as John had done on the day of his proposal, she lay a fancy table, put a small flower bouquet from the garden on it, and a wrapped gift in John’s plate. She was just putting the main dish in the oven when John came home. He closed the door behind him and sighed heavily. Anna went to meet him, with a concerned look:

\- Good evening love. Oh you look down, have you had a bad day?

\- Yes, quite. Mr Dawes had a pulmonary embolism, we had to send him back to the hospital, it doesn’t look very good for him… And then Mrs Buckett fell during her physiotherapy session, and broke her hip. Thomas was beside himself with guilt… So yes it was quite a shitty day.

He looked around at the table and smelled the mouth-watering odour coming from the oven.

\- Oh, what have you done Mrs Bates? he asked, a smile finally reaching his face.

Anna passed her hands on his chest, and said:

\- I’ve made a birthday dinner! Happy birthday sweetheart! I hope this’ll cheer you up.

\- It might… What’s the smell, did you do…?

\- Your mother’s lasagna, yes I did, she beamed. Come on, put your shoes off, and come sit, the first course is ready.

He obliged, and as he was sitting, saw the small gift in his plate.

\- Come on, open it, said Anna.

He unwrapped the present, and opened the box to discover a beautiful watch.

\- Oh, Anna, it’s wonderful.

\- I thought this would be a little fancier than your old Swatch…

\- It is indeed, wow, I love it, he said, putting it on his wrist and admiring the result. Thank you darling, he said, bending over the plates to kiss her.

Anna smiled and said sheepishly:

\- And… I have another gift for you.

\- Oh?

\- Well, I didn’t bring it back, because it would be rather gross… she said mysteriously.

John looked at her in a questioning look, not understanding what she meant.

\- I went to see my doctor today. I had my IUD removed.

A bright smile appeared on John’s face as he got up and went to hug her.

\- Oh darling, that’s wonderful…

He then pulled away from her a bit, to look at her face.

\- But… are you sure? Are you feeling ready for this?

\- Well… not entirely, to be honest, but then I thought to myself, if I wait until I feel really ready, I might end up being fifty and never feeling ready, so… we might just as well go for it.

He hugged her close again, and kissed the top of her head.

\- Thank you Anna. I know it is something scary for you, and it really means a lot to me. I love you so much.

\- I love you too, she said, putting herself on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. Now we should start eating.

The shitty day was long forgotten by the time they headed to bed and made love, with the added thrill of knowing that anytime they could be creating their own baby.

  
  


* * *

  
  


A few days later, Anna was finishing her shift at Downton. She entered the locker room to change back into her civilian clothes, when she found Gwen, sitting on the floor with her back against her locker door, weeping. She quickly went beside her, putting a sympathetic hand on her friend’s shoulder.

\- Gwen! Girl, what’s the matter?

Gwen only cried harder for a moment, then wiped her eyes and said:

\- It’s Mark…

\- What? Did he break up with you?

Gwen shook her head.

\- He’s cheating on me.

\- Oh. Are you sure?

\- Yes. I saw him with my own eyes. Yesterday I went up to his work because he had forgotten his phone, so I thought I would bring it to him. And I saw him in an unambiguous position with this girl.

\- Oh Gwen, I’m sorry…

\- Yeah. I am such a fool. I thought he loved me.

\- Come on, you’re not a fool. He’s a jerk, like there are much too many on this Earth. Come, I’m taking you home with me, you can sleep over so that you’re not alone tonight.

\- Oh but I don’t want to intrude on you and John…

\- No problem. Hey, you took care of me when I needed it most, so now let me take care of you.

Gwen smiled through her tears, and got up holding Anna’s hand.

\- Alright, thanks.

\- Oh, I know, I’ll ask Mary if she wants to come to dinner. And how about I ask Beth too? I think I remember the two of you hit off well at my wedding?

\- Oh yeah, I liked her.

\- Then we can have a girl’s night and bitch on Mark!

\- What about John? Won’t he feel we’re invading?

\- Oh, he’ll be fine. He can spend the evening on his computer, or reading. He won’t mind.

As she started changing, Anna thought briefly that coming home with three friends without notice was something she wouldn't even have dreamt of doing in her previous life.

  
  


Beth was fortunately not on call that night, so she gladly accepted Anna’s last minute invitation. Anna ordered Chinese food for everyone. Mary joined them a little later in the evening, because she wanted to go home and kiss her kids goodnight before. In spite of the circumstances, Gwen had quite a nice evening, surrounded by her three friends. They all prepped her spirits to confront Mark and break up with him the next day. Once again, Gwen and Beth seemed to get along very well. They shared a warm hug when the time came for Beth to go back home across the street. Mark was soon forgotten, and for a few weeks, Gwen kept complaining about being single again, until she eventually stopped and became her cheerful self again. Anna and Mary did wonder a little, but they were glad their friend had found her good spirits again.


	17. Nothing Worse than False Hope

June was in its first days and the weather was getting warmer. For once, John and Anna had a shared day off. They were slowly waking up, and John started cuddling, when Anna suddenly shrugged him off and ran to the bathroom. She locked the door behind her but John distinctly heard the sound of her throwing up. She had seemed off the weather for a few days now, and although he felt sorry for her, he couldn’t help rejoicing at what those symptoms might mean. She came back from the bathroom and settled back under the blankets.

\- You OK sweetie? asked John, stroking her back.

\- Better now it’s out…

\- Rest, I’ll bring you some tea.

He got up and went down to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he was back with a tray holding a cup of tea and some scones. As he watched her sip in the hot tea, he tentatively asked:

\- So? Don’t you think I should go to the store and bring back a test?

She looked at him for under her eyelashes, and said with a small smile:

\- Maybe you should.

She had been almost sure about being pregnant for about a week now, and she had debated with herself whether to tell John right away or not. She still felt quite nervous about their chances of the pregnancy going well, and she didn’t want him to get his hopes up too early. But now that she was throwing up every morning, there was little point trying to hide it from him. He wasn’t so stupid as not to put two and two together. As soon as he had eaten breakfast and got dressed, he went out to buy a pregnancy test. They held hands nervously while waiting for the result. When the five minutes had passed, Anna said:

\- You look.

\- Alright.

There was a moment’s silence before he managed to speak again.

\- Oh Lord, Anna. It’s positive.

\- I can’t say I’m surprised, she said, before they both broke into a tearful laughter and threw themselves in each other’s arms. After a moment, Anna straightened out and said in decided tone:

\- So, John, please now, listen to me.

\- Yes, dear?

\- One: we’re not getting our hopes up. Two: we’re not telling anyone.

As he looked like he wanted to say something, she cut:

\- NOT even our mothers.

\- Alright… he said, looking down.

She could tell that he had been looking forward to telling Margaret the news.

\- But, he went on, do you feel good enough to go on working? Maybe you should go and see your doctor.

\- Oh, and three: do not start fussing over me, she said pointedly. Otherwise I’ll go mad and be angry with you.

He smiled weakly and answered:

\- Alright, I promise, but four: you tell me if something’s not right. No secret. Do you swear?

She smiled too and put her hand on his cheek.

\- Alright I swear. And I’ll make an appointment with my doctor, but there’s no rush.

\- Fine. We’re agreed then.

Later in the day, Anna received a text from their neighbor Beth, inviting them to tea that afternoon. She said she had news to share. So, at five, Anna and John were getting ready. Just before going out to cross the street, Anna put a hand on John’s chest and said:

\- So, remember rule n° 2?

\- Yes. We’re not telling anyone.

\- Even if she’s a midwife OK?

\- Right.

\- Thank you. Now let’s go.

They rang on Beth’s door, and she let them in. When they were in her living-room, they were surprised to find that Gwen was there too. Anna looked at her, puzzled:

\- Gwen? But what are you doing here?

Beth said loudly from the kitchen:

\- You’ll know in a minute. Take a seat. I’m bringing tea.

She appeared a few seconds later, carrying a tray.

She put it down on the sitting-room table and started serving tea to the four of them. She then took a seat next to Gwen, and started:

\- So, we’ve asked you to come today to share some news with you.

She then held out her hand to Gwen, who took it, and their fingers intertwined. Anna and John were looking at them, totally dumbfounded.

\- But… what… stuttered Anna.

\- Yes, we’re dating, said Gwen flatly.

Anna looked all the more puzzled.

\- You’re… with Beth?!

She had known from the beginning that their neighbor was a lesbian, but she had known Gwen for almost seven years, and had only ever seen her dating men all along.

\- So… said Anna when she found her voice back. You like women??

\- Well, no, not until I met Beth, confessed Gwen, shooting a sheepish smile to the gracious black woman holding her hand.

Beth returned her smile.

-Yep, seems I made your friend change her religion, she laughed, arching her eyebrows.

\- Alright… well, as long as you’re both happy with that, said Anna. But please Beth, treat her well, because I’m the one doing consumer support after her heartbreaks…

Beth squeezed Gwen’s hand and answered, winking at her:

\- I’ll try.

When Anna and John closed their front door behind them that evening, they both broke into a fit of laughter.

\- Oh my God, I didn’t see that one coming, exclaimed Anna.

\- Neither did Gwen apparently, answered John, bemused.

\- I hope that relationship will prove more successful than her previous ones. She had a sort of gift for attracting jerks until now… Oh, imagine, said Anna in an excited tone, if they move in together, how cool it would be to have Gwen living across the street!

Anna went to bed in high spirits that night. The good thing about Gwen and Beth’s scoop was that it had taken her mind off the pregnancy worry for a few hours, and she was grateful for that.

* * *

Two weeks passed uneventfully, except for Mary’s gaping mouth when she had learnt about Gwen’s new relationship. Anna had gone to see her doctor, who had reassured her that everything looked fine, and she was six weeks pregnant. John had beamed at her when she had delivered the news to him, and asked:

\- How much longer do you feel you want to wait before we can share the news?

\- I’d like to wait until I’m past the point… it happened last time. I know it’s not rational but…

\- And when was that last time?

\- I was at twelve weeks.

\- Oh. So that’s six more weeks waiting… he said, looking quite downcast.

\- Can you do that for me, she asked, putting her hands on his chest.

\- Of course darling. I’d do anything for you.

She smiled and stood on her tiptoes to reach his lips to kiss.

A week later, John came to kiss her goodbye in their bed, as he was leaving for his working day at Downton. She woke up completely, and noticed that, contrary to every morning for the last four weeks, she did not feel nauseous. Part of her was grateful that the symptoms of early pregnancy were wearing off, but she couldn’t entirely shake off a strange feeling of dread.

John had spent a quiet day at work, and was whistling to himself as he walked up Windmill Road from the bus stop. He smile as he entered his house, calling out:

\- Sweetheart, it’s me!

He frowned when only silence greeted him. He thought that maybe Anna was outside tending to the garden, as she liked to do on her days off. He went to look to the garden through the kitchen’s window, and saw that it was empty.

\- Anna? he called louder.

Still no answer. He went up the stairs, opened their bedroom door, and saw her lying on the bed, her back to him, curled up in a ball. It was not like her to be in bed at this time of day, but then maybe she was just tired. He circled around the bed and went to crouch beside her. She seemed to be asleep, but he tensed when he saw her red, puff-up and still wet eyes. She’s been crying. He put a hand on her arm and whispered:

\- Anna? Love? Is something wrong?

She sniffed and let out a sob. His heart constricted in his chest.

\- Anna dear? Tell me, what’s wrong? The baby?

\- Gone… she whispered. There’s no more baby.

And she broke into tears again.

\- Oh Lord… But why didn't you call me for God’s sake! Anna, we’re married! That means you don’t have to suffer alone! Do you need me to take you to the hospital?

She shook her head.

\- No. It’s over already. Happened this morning. Now it’s just the usual bleeding.

\- Anna, I’m so sorry, he said, taking her into his arms. So, so sorry.

They stayed in silence for a while, him holding her. Then he started softly singing in her ear:

\- _“When you try your best, but you don’t_ _succeed”_ …

She pushed him away, swiftly got up ans stormed out of the room, saying harshly:

\- Stop it John! You can’t fix everything with a bloody song!

He stood there, sorry and dumbfounded. He had wanted to soothe her, but it was clearly the wrong move to do at that particular moment.

* * *

She was sitting at the garden table, her face hidden in her hands, not taking in any of the charms of the mid-June bloom in their neat garden. She was a total mess of feelings. Her therapist had warned her that there might be occasional steps backwards, but now she felt she had fallen down a whole flight of stairs. She had failed John. He who had been there for her, unfailingly during all those years, who had been so patient, so understanding, never asked for anything in return… but this. This child that she wasn’t able to give him. She hated her body for this failure. Then she hated John too for talking her into this pregnancy when she had had this foreboding feeling that it would only bring more hurt and heartbreak. She had let him convince her with his optimistic talk, his words of not letting fear prevent them from living their lives. But her fears were very well grounded, as today had proved. And now there she was. Again lost in herself, battling with pain and anxiety. Why was life always so complicated... She startled when she felt John’s hand weighing on her shoulder.

\- Anna… he whispered.

She got up and started walking away towards the house.

\- Please, leave me alone. I need to be alone.

He made to follow her, limping his way back inside the house after her.

\- Anna! he called after her again.

But she went out to the street, slamming the door behind her. Through the window he saw her knocking on Beth’s door, and entering the house. He sighed and let himself fall on the couch. So when she said she needed to be alone, apparently she only meant “not with him”. He rubbed his eyes. This was all his fault. He had pressured her into this baby thing when she was obviously not ready and there they were. She had hurt herself on his behalf. He despised himself for that. He wanted more than anything to make things right for her, but she was not letting him in. Not right now at least. He felt like a failure to his wife. He could only hope Beth (and Gwen if she was there) would find the right words to soothe her. She had still not reappeared when he decided to go to bed that night. He texted her:

***Are you staying at Beth’s tonight?**   
**Do you want me to fill in for you**   
**at work tomorrow? ***

***Yes I'm sleeping at Beth's tonight**

**No it's OK I'll go to work***

***You sure? ***

***Yes***

***I'm sorry Anna, I love you**

**I wish there was something I could do***

***There's nothing you can do***

***I'm sorry***

***I know***

He wiped a stray tear on his cheek. How could he be so useless to the one person he loved more than anything in the world when she hurt so bad. A few minutes later, a text from Beth came in:

***John, don’t worry,**   
**we’re taking care of her**   
**She’ll be back.**   
**She needs some space right now***

***Thank you so much Beth***

At least she wasn’t alone to deal with this, he sighed. He felt the need to talk to someone too. He decided to call his mother, hoping she wasn’t asleep yet.

* * *

During the following week, John felt like he was living with a ghost. Even when Anna was there, it felt like she was not really there. She answered John’s questions in monosyllables, barely ate, spent most of her time in the bedroom and slept facing away from John. At work she was barely holding on, trying to put on a brave face, but she had several times almost broken into tears in the middle of her daily duties. Gwen had discreetly informed Mary and Mrs Hughes of the situation. Mrs Hughes had taken Anna into her office and offered her to take a few days off, but she had refused. However hard it might be to hold herself together in front of everyone, she felt it would be worse to stew alone at home. She preferred to keep her mind and her hands occupied. When John and she were on duty together, they tried to maintain a facade of normalcy, but their colleagues only noticed the tension between them, and that they both looked miserable.

That night, they were both riding the bus home. They were silently sitting side by side, when John tentatively tried to put his hand on Anna’s. But she immediately retrieved it.

\- Would you like it of we ordered sushi? he tried.

\- Whatever you like, she said, looking through the bus window.

John sighed, feeling more helpless than ever. He felt like she was drifting away from him, and he couldn’t do anything for her. Were they going to stumble on the first hurdle that life sent in their way since they were married? He could not resolve to that. She was the most precious person in his life and he could not let her drown that way. When they were home, she started making her way upstairs when he grabbed her arms to stop her. She turned around, looking down, averting his eyes.

\- What?

\- Please Anna, stop hiding from me. You won’t look at me, you won’ talk to me, I can’t come near you. We cannot go on like this.

\- We live together, we work together. We’re in each other’s pocket. Sometimes I feel it’s just too much, she said with a painful look in her eyes.

They did spend a lot of time together, but never before had she complained about this fact. She had always seemed to enjoy it.

\- Look, Anna, I know you’re hurting, and I know it’s my fault, and I’m so sorry for having pushed you into this situation. But please, talk to me. We said we would deal with the bad things as a family, so this is when we start. So, yell at me if you need, be mad at me, hit me if you want to, I’ll handle this, but I cannot handle this silence.

\- Don’t be silly, I’m not going to hit you!

\- But please, I’m begging you Anna, tell me what you’re holding inside. Even if it hurts me it’ll be better than you shutting me out like this.

Her eyes had welled up with tears, which started rolling down her cheeks, when she started in a trembling voice:

\- But don’t you see John? I can’t do it! I’m not able to carry your child! I told you, and you didn’t listen! I knew it would end up like that!

\- Now darling, he said reaching for her hands, there’s no proof that you’re not able.

He gently led her to the couch, where they sat side by side. Anna sniffed and wiped her face, then sighed:

\- I let you down.

John circled his arms around her shoulders.

\- There are no words less true than those. You can never let me down. _I_ let you down by dismissing your fears. I’m so sorry, he said, kissing her temple.

She snuggled a little closer in the crook of his arm. He went on:

\- This isn’t the end of all hope Anna. We’ll get through this. We’ll go to see that OBGYN Mary suggested. We’ll listen to what he has to say. Maybe there’s something wrong and he can fix it. And maybe there’s nothing wrong, and we’ve only been unlucky, then, when you’re ready, we’ll take our chance again. And _if_ you’re really not able, you’re not, we’ll be alright. There are other ways. Surrogacy, adoption… We’ll find our path. What do you say darling? he said, lifting her chin to look her in the eyes.

She smiled sadly through her tears, and silently nodded.

Later that night, Anna was curled up under a plaid on the couch, while John was making dinner. She reached for her phone on the table and fumbled through Spotify until she launched Coldplay’s “Everglow” on the Bluetooth speaker.

“ _Well, they say people come, they say people go  
This particular diamond was extra special  
And though you might be gone, and the world may not know  
Still I see you, celestial_

_And I should but I can't let you go  
But when I'm cold, cold  
Yeah, when I'm cold, cold  
There's a light that you give me when I'm in shadow  
There's a feeling within me, an everglow_

_Like brothers in blood, or sisters who ride  
Yeah we swore on that night we'd be friends 'til we die  
But the changing of winds, and the way waters flow  
Life is short as the falling of snow  
And I'm gonna miss you, I know_

_But when I'm cold, cold  
In water rolled, salt  
And I know that you're with me and the way you will show  
And you're with me wherever I go  
And you give me this feeling, this everglow_

_What I wouldn't give for just a moment to hold  
Because, I live for this feeling, this everglow_

_So if you love someone, you should let them know  
Oh, the light that you gave me will everglow”_

John felt goosebumps forming on his forearms, and a lump in his throat. He felt a surge of anger at the unfairness of what they had to go through. Anna did not deserve such pain. She had already been through way enough. He came behind her, put his hands on her shoulders and started tenderly massaging her tense neck.

\- So, he whispered, are we back to songs?

She smiled as she closed her eyes to surrender to his soothing touch.

\- They can’t fix everything, but they can help… she said.

\- This one’s beautiful and sad… Just like you.

\- So it seems Coldplay know us too, besides Bruno Mars.

\- They both do write beautiful songs, he said, bending over her and kissing the crown of her head.

* * *

The next day, Anna was off and John reluctantly left her at home to go to work. She had planned to keep herself busy with housecleaning, gardening and grocery shopping. She was about to go out to the store when the door bell rang. She opened the door to her mother.

\- Mum? But, what are you doing here?

She was slightly annoyed of that habit of her mother’s to show up out of the blue, but then she remembered that she had left her last texts and voice messages unanswered, so she couldn’t really blame her this time.

\- Well, you’re not returning my text and calls, so I asked John if everything was alright, and he told me everything wasn't alright. So I thought it was time we had a little chat you and me.

Anna rolled her eyes, but let her mother in. She made some tea and they both sat in the couch. Eileen refrained from putting her hand on Anna’s knee, because she knew by now that she should not initiate touching her. So, holding her tea mug with both hands, she started:

\- Anna, I want you to know that I know exactly what you’re going through right now.

Anna looked up to her, somewhat surprised:

\- You do?

\- Yes. I never told you or Leslie this, but I had several miscarriages. In fact, I had two before Leslie was born, and another one before you. So I have a fairly good idea how much you are hurting these days.

\- Oh Mum… said Anna, blinking back tears.

\- But see? I still have the two most gorgeous daughters in the world. So don’t you dare give up hope Anna.

Anna suddenly broke into tears and reached out for her mother’s embrace. It was the first time in the seven months they had reconnected that she sought to touch. Eileen was quite unsettled by her sudden reach for physical contact, but she welcomed it, and slowly closed her arms around her daughter, gently patting her back.

\- You’ll be alright, my sweet little girl. I know this is hard. I know it hurts very much right now. But it’ll get better in time. You’ll feel surges of grief hitting you from nowhere from time to time, like ocean waves. But like ocean waves, you should not try to fight them. Waves are always stronger than you, so if you try and swim above them, you’ll just lose and end up exhausted, and drown in them. When you feel them coming, you have to let them wash over you, and then you can re-emerge on the other side of them. Then with time, they’ll become less and less frequent, and less powerful.

The two women stayed for a moment in a silent embrace. Then Anna whispered:

\- Thank you Mum. Thank you for coming. I love you.

\- I love you too my darling girl.

Later that night, Eileen received a text from John:

***I don’t know what you said to Anna today**   
**But thank you, because it did her good**   
**She’s feeling much better***

***I'm happy to have been**

**a useful Mum for once. ***


	18. Oh simple things, where have you gone?

The next day, during lunch break at Downton, Anna received a Whatsapp notification from John. She put her lunch box down and opened her phone to read it.

***Lily Allen – Somewhere only we know**   
**http://youtu.be/mer6X7nOY_o***

***I’m picking you up tonight  
We’re going on a weekend together  
Just the two of us, time to breathe and heal***

She quickly finished her lunch box and excused herself to Mary and Gwen who were sharing her table at the cafeteria. She locked herself in a bathroom, and clicked on the link to listen to the song.

“ _I walked across an empty land  
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand  
I felt the earth beneath my feet  
Sat by the river, and it made me complete_

_Oh, simple things, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin_

_I came across a fallen tree  
I felt the branches of it looking at me  
Is this the place we used to love?  
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?_

_Oh, simple things, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin_

_And if you have a minute, why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go  
Somewhere only we know?”_

The purity of Lily Allen’s voice, the melancholy of the melody and words brought tears to her eyes. She typed back to John:

***Alright. I’m looking forward to it.**   
**See you later. Love U***

When she left Downton that evening, she joined John who was waiting in his car near the park’s entrance. When she was seated in the passenger’s seat, she asked:

\- So, where are we going?

\- I booked two nights at the wedding’s guesthouse. You know, try to find back the happy spirit we had then.

She smiled lightly:

\- Good idea. But… you were supposed to work tomorrow, how did you manage?

\- I sucked up to Nurse Jenkins, she accepted to cover my shift for me.

\- That’s kind of her.

\- Yeah, but then I already covered for her once when her father was ill, so she owed me. So that’s it, a whole weekend, just the two of us, he said, gently stroking her knee.

She looked up to him, and they exchanged a bittersweet smile.

Unlike on their previous visit to the guesthouse, the sun was still high in the sky when they arrived that night. After having checked in and left their bags in their room, they were able to visit the blooming park around the house, which was much more welcoming in this late June than it had been last time at the end of December. They spent the next two days half secluded in their room, talking and cuddling (Anna, whose body was not yet fully healed, did not feel up to more), and half taking long walks in the country around the house. They walked as much as John’s knee would permit them, finding a soothing effect in being surrounded with forest and rural scenery. At midday on the second day, they stopped beside a small river to enjoy a picnic. While John was laying the blanket and picking out the food the house’s lady had prepared for them, Anna had sat on a rock near the river, and became lost in her thoughts. As her mother had advised, she let melancholy wash over her, and tears welled up in her eyes. She could picture themselves having a family outing in that place, kids running around, shrieking and throwing stones in the stream. She soon felt the warm touch of John’s hand on her shoulder. He whispered:

\- Penny for your thoughts?

She quickly wiped her eyes, and smiled back to him.

\- They’re not worth that much.

\- Of course they are. Let me guess. You’re thinking that this place would be perfect to have a nice day out with kids.

\- How did you know? she said, snuggling into his arms.

\- Because I was thinking just the same, he answered, caressing her cheek. You know what, he added after a moment’s silence, I promise you that one day, we’ll come back here, with our kids.

Anna chuckled sadly.

\- Mr Bates, did your mother never warn you about making promises you know you can’t keep?

\- No, I’m serious Anna. Be they genetically ours or not, we will be parents to a bunch of kids.

\- Oh, a bunch? No less? My, you’re ambitious. Is that the new “we’ll have children all around us”?

\- Maybe… he smirked. Look, I don’t know what the future has in store for us, but I know we’ll find our way. We’ve already found it out of tighter spots, don’t you think? As long as I have you and you have me, we’ll manage, he said, holding her close.

She circled his waist with her arms and repeated:

\- Yeah. We’ll manage, as she breathed him in.

During their long talks all through this week-end, Anna and John agreed to put the baby project on hold for a time, until Anna felt strong enough to face it again. During the following weeks, the OBGYN conducted a fair number of tests and exams, and concluded that nothing was wrong, and that the two miscarriages had probably been an unlucky coincidence. As they had done before on other topics, John never mentioned trying for a baby again, waiting for her to take the lead. Months passed, and they managed to enjoy a peaceful life just the two of them.

Gwen had finally moved in with Beth, and the two women seemed like the perfect lovebirds. Anna was thrilled to have her best friend as a neighbor. Since the miscarriage, Anna and Eileen had become much closer, and were now seeing each other on a regular basis. Anna was still seeing her counselor every two weeks, and John often offered the woman silent thanks for the good work she was doing with his wife, even if he had never met her.

* * *

As the year neared its end, came the time of Anna and John’s first wedding anniversary. On that occasion, as they had managed to get a few days off work, John decided to take Anna back to London. They took the train on Boxing Day and stayed once again at their usual hotel, because they could not imagine staying anywhere else, even if Margaret didn’t live nearby anymore. They enjoyed days of cocooning, strolling about in London’s boroughs, admiring the city Christmas lights, eating in candlelit restaurants. On December 27th, as they were seated at a table waiting for their plates to come, John handed an envelope to Anna and whispered:

\- Happy anniversary darling.

She frowned and started scolding him:

\- John… we said the trip was our present and there was no other!

\- I know, but this is part of the trip, and it’s for both of us really… Open up, he added, gesturing to the envelope.

She obliged, and put out two tickets for a Coldplay concert. She brought her hand to her mouth and murmured:

\- Oh wow…

She let out a small laugh and looked up to John, adding:

\- I think we’ll need a fair stack of tissues…

John smiled to her and put his hand on hers:

\- Was it a good idea?

She nodded lightly.

\- I’m sure it’ll be grand… But I must warn you that I will probably have a meltdown at one point or the other.

\- Well, if you do, then it’ll mean that you needed to let feelings out, so I say it’ll do you good. I’ll be there to hold you, he said, stroking her cheek.

As she had fore-viewed, the concert was a very emotional time for Anna, but John also found himself full of mixed feelings. Hearing thousands of people united in singing songs that meant so much to them in an intimate manner, was rather cathartic. When the crowd started singing “Fix You” in unison, Anna felt like a dam was breaking up inside her. She buried her face into John’s chest and cried herself out. As the song went along, she felt herself filling with a sense of peace and renewed strength. She felt like all those people singing around her were lifting her, supporting her and telling her that she was strong enough to face the future, and that they would be alright. After that, she thought she had no more tears to cry, but new ones started flooding her cheeks when, a while later, the band started performing “Everglow”. She closed her eyes and silently sent a prayer heavenwards for her two lost babies. She smiled when she opened her eyes again and noticed that John’s face was also shining with tears. She wiped his cheek with the back of her fingers, and pulled him into a deep kiss, oblivious to the crowd around them.

When the show was over and they found themselves walking out in the streets, Anna put her hand into John’s elbow and sighed:

\- That was… amazing. You’re right, I needed to let some steam out, and I hadn’t even noticed it. I feel lighter.

\- I'm glad for that, said John. I do too.

When they were back at the hotel, snuggling into bed, Anna gingerly put her hand over John’s chest, and said:

\- Mr Bates, I think I am ready.

John frowned, bemused, and answered:

\- Wait, I have a sort of déjà-vu feeling. Am I having a flashback from the past?

Anna chuckled.

\- I’m serious John. I want to move on. I think I am ready to try again.

His face lit up at her words.

\- Oh, Anna, that makes me so happy. That’s the best anniversary gift I could have dreamt of. But… you’re not saying that only to make me happy, are you?

\- No. I’ve been thinking over it for a few weeks now. And it’s hard to explain, but tonight brought me sense of closure, and strength for a new beginning.

\- Alright. Let’s do it then, he said with a crooked grin creeping on his lips, rolling over her and showering her face with kisses.

She laughed:

\- Wow, Mr Bates, you’re not one to waste time, are you!

* * *

Spring was beginning to show again in Windmill Road and life was quietly following its course. Anna and John were going on their morning routine before another day at work. Anna was in the bathroom showering, and she noticed once again that her period had not yet come. She was now more than ten days late, but apart from that, was not feeling any other signs of pregnancy. None of the sickness she had had the two previous times was bothering her this time, which puzzled her. Her cycle was usually quite timely, so it was very unusual for her to be so late, but she couldn't yet convince herself that something really was going on. She made a pact with herself that if nothing had come within the next two days, she would take a test.

The next evening, they had invited Beth and Gwen for dinner. The four of them enjoyed a nice evening. They spent quite some time discussing the girls decision to form a civil union in the months to come. After dinner, they had settled on the couch and armchairs to carry on their conversation, when John frowned and got up:

\- So ladies, I think I will leave you and call it a night. I’m feeling a bit under the weather tonight.

As he started making his way to the stairs, Anna took hold of his hand:

\- You OK darling? she asked, concerned.

\- Yeah, just a bit of an upset stomach, nothing to worry about.

\- Alright. Go lie down then, and she let go of his hand.

The three women had been chatting for a few more minutes, when they heard a loud thump coming from upstairs. Anna startled, and called out:

\- John? Is everything alright?

But no answer came. Cold sweat started running down her spine, and she rushed up the stairs and stumbled into their bedroom, where she found John lying on the floor on his front, motionless.

\- JOHN! she cried out.

She put all her strength in the effort of rolling him over on his back, and saw that he was unconscious. A few seconds studying him and she concluded that he was not breathing either. Panic flooded her for a moment, but soon her nurse’s instincts took over, and she started tearing his shirt away, as she yelled:

\- Gwen! Beth! Help! at the top of her voice.

And she immediately started doing chest compressions. Her two friends quickly rushed to her side, and gasped at the sight.

\- What’s going on?!

\- He’s in a cardiac arrest! Please call 999! Quick! she bellowed while frantically continuing with the chest compressions.

Beth handled the call for an ambulance, and soon hung up her phone.

\- They’re on their way. Anna, let us take turns! she ordered her friend.

Sweat was mating Anna’s hair on her forehead and she was breathless from the effort.

\- No, no, I have to care for him, he’s my husband!

\- Anna, said Gwen firmly, don’t be silly, this is exhausting, you’ll soon be inefficient, we have to take turns to keep doing it right!

Gwen bent down on her friend, taking hold of her, and pulled her away from John’s body, as Beth took her place and continued the resuscitation. Gwen kept holding Anna who was shaking all over, and seemed in a sort of daze. John’s voice was ringing in her head, saying “As long as I have you and you have me, we’ll manage”. She didn’t want to think how she would manage if she didn’t have him anymore. After a few minutes, Gwen and Beth exchanged places, until at last the paramedics came banging on the front door. The team invaded the room and quickly took over. Electrodes tied to a defibrillator were put on John’s chest. A first shock had no effect, but after the second one, a regular beep started, and everyone sighed from relief. John was expertly scooped up and taken down into the ambulance. As the paramedic was closing the door on him, Anna rushed to his side:

\- Wait, I want to go with him!

\- I’m sorry Ma’am, answered the paramedic, we’re not allowed to board family members. But you can join us at York’s University Hospital Cardiac ICU, that’s where we’re headed. But drive safely! No need to rush and have an accident!

\- Alright, thank you, said Gwen who had joined Anna and put her arms around her friend’s shoulders. Come Anna, we’ll take you.

As the ambulance was driving away down Windmill Road, Anna broke into tears into Gwen’s arms.


	19. Bad harvest

Anna was crumbled on a hard chair in the CICU waiting room, between Gwen and Beth, desperately waiting for news. She shivered at the thoughts of how things would have ended if it had happened when John was alone at home. A chilling vision crossed her mind of her coming home from work to find him dead on the living-room floor. In their misery they had been lucky that it had happened when there were three other people in the house. She sighed deeply, as Gwen gently patted her arms.

\- Hey, do you want me to get you a drink or something? asked the red-headed girl.

\- No thanks, answered Anna. I don’t think I can swallow anything. Thank you so much, both of you… It was so lucky you were there tonight, I don’t know how I would have handled this alone.

Beth offered her a tight smile and squeezed her hand.

\- Man I wish they would come tell us something!

Just as she finished her sentence, a doctor appeared in the waiting-room:

\- Mrs Bates?

\- Yes it’s me, said Anna, getting up quickly and approaching the doctor. Please doctor tell me, will he be alright?

\- Well, his heart rate has stabilized, which is a good thing. He’s at the moment undergoing several tests. We have to do a coronarography, to see if the cardiac arrest was due to a coronary clot, and check if there is a node somewhere in his heart muscle that has been delivering an abnormal heart rhythm. Anyway, all those procedures will take several hours, so I think you had better go home and lie down a few hours. If you leave your phone number to our nurse, she will call you when he’s settled in a room.

\- Alright, thank you so much doctor.

The doctor nodded to her, and before he turned to go away, added:

\- Mrs Bates, you had the right reflexes tonight. Your husband owes you his life.

\- Well, I can say that now we’re even, she whispered as the doctor left the room.

* * *

They followed the doctor’s advice and went back home. Gwen and Beth decided to stay with Anna that night to keep her company. Anna went to the bathroom to shower. As she was drying, she caught sight of herself in the mirror, and noticed that her breasts seemed a bit more round than usual. She thought again about her lateness, and felt the urge to know right away. She started rummaging in the drawers to find the box of pregnancy tests she was keeping for further use. She sat down on the bathroom floor while waiting for the result. She watched the test all along, and saw the two pink lines faintly, then more vividly appearing. She laughed and cried at the same time, thinking how they had so closely escaped another drama. She decided to tell her two friends right away. Keeping her pregnancy secret had not helped at all last time, it had not made the loss less hurtful, so this time she felt like telling everyone. She quickly put her pajamas on and ran down the stairs to the sitting-room where Gwen and Beth were chatting snuggled against each other.

\- Girls, girls!

\- Yes, what’s up, have you heard from John? asked Gwen.

\- No, no. Oh my God this is the strangest day ever…

The two other girls looked at one another, puzzled. Anna started to explain:

\- I just took a pregnancy test…

Gwen gasped:

\- Oh God are you?

Anna grinned widely and nodded:

\- Yes!

\- Oh, I’m so happy for you! Gwen said, getting up and going to hug her best friend.

\- Oh wow, isn’t this a bit too much new information to handle for one day, added Beth, gesturing her brain exploding.

\- I know! exclaimed Anna. Oh Lord I’m all over the place… I can’t wait to go back to John and tell him… Well I hope he will be able to hear it… she said as her smile fell down. Oh God I can’t believe I’ve passed that close to becoming a widow mum.

\- Come on, said Gwen, hugging her one more time, he’ll be OK, he’s in good hands now. You should go and try to get a bit of sleep.

\- Yeah, well I’m not sure I’ll be able to settle down… but I’ll try. Oh shit, I was supposed to work tomorrow, and John too! Do you think I should call Mrs Hughes, even though it is almost midnight?

\- I’ll text her, go to sleep!

When Anna had gone up to her bedroom, Gwen called Mary to keep her up to date with the situation, and texted Mrs Hughes. The Head Nurse called her back right away, asked for more details, and told Gwen to assure Anna of her support and sympathy and not to worry about work, to take as much time as necessary.

Anna had had a hard time settling to sleep, but after two hours, she had finally fallen from exhaustion. She jerked awake, her heart racing, when her phone rang at 5am.

\- Yes! Anna Bates speaking!

\- Hello Mrs Bates. Nurse Walker, from the hospital CICU.

\- Yes, thank you for calling.

\- Your husband has been settled into his room. He’s still under close watch, but he should be alright. Visits are allowed from 8 o’clock. The cardiologist will see him in the morning and explain everything.

Anna exhaled loudly.

\- Alright, thank you so much. I’ll be there at 8.

\- Goodbye Mrs Bates.

Anna put down the phone, and brushed off a few relieved tears from her cheeks. She couldn’t go there for another three hours… She wondered about going downstairs and telling her friends about the nurse’s call, but she told herself they were probably asleep, and didn’t want to wake them up. She thought that she was done sleeping, so she opened Spotify, and started listening to their favorite playlist, the one where she had entered all the songs they had exchanged since they knew each other. It warmed her heart and made her feel like John was close to her. She put the phone down, settled down in the bed and closed her eyes, letting her mind wander through all their happy and not-so-happy memories.

* * *

Light was flooding the room when she startled awake again. She looked at her alarm clock and read “7:40”.

\- Fuck! she exclaimed.

She had finally fallen into sleep again while listening to the music. She tossed the covers away and started frantically getting dressed. She then rushed down the stairs, and found Beth cooking breakfast in her kitchen.

\- Hi Anna. I was just debating with myself whether to go wake you up. I thought you needed the rest… Gwen has left for work, she told me to give you a hug for her, so there you go, said the black woman, hugging Anna. Here, have some tea. Do you want to eat something?

\- Thank you Beth. I’ll have a toast.

As she was drinking her tea, she thought she should call Mrs Hughes to fill her in. Just at that moment came a text from her on Anna’s phone.

***Hi Anna, Gwen told me**   
**about John. Please call me**   
**when you have news***

***I’m headed for the hospital.**   
**I’ll keep you informed as soon as**   
**I have seen the doctor***

She then thought she’ll have to call Margaret too. She didn’t look forward to telling the old lady her son had just almost died…

* * *

It was 8:20 when Anna finally entered John’s room in the CICU. The heart monitor was steadily beeping next to his bed, and his eyes were closed. He looked a bit pale, but otherwise fine. Tears welled into Anna’s eyes as she came close to his bed, thinking how she had almost lost him. She sat herself on the edge of the bed, took his hand in hers, and brought it to her mouth, gently kissing it. His eyes soon fluttered open, and he smiled at her. He then frowned as he was slowly registering his surroundings:

\- What on earth am I doing here?? What happened?

\- Oh Lord, John… You gave me such a fright! she said as a sob escaped her lips.

She was holding his hand close to her cheek, and kept kissing it.

\- I can’t remember anything past yesterday’s dinner…

\- You went upstairs saying you didn’t feel well, and… then you just collapsed. You had a cardiac arrest.

John gasped.

\- Shit! So… you did CPR on me?

\- Of course I did… I’m so glad Gwen and Beth were there to help me.

\- You saved my life… he said, cupping her cheek.

\- Well I really did not have much choice. I was not going to let you leave me alone like this.

After a few seconds silence, she added:

\- Or rather… I was not going to let you leave _us_ alone like this.

It took John a moment to register the meaning of what she had just said. His eyes were shining bright when he asked:

\- Do you mean…

She grinned and nodded:

\- Yes. That’s exactly what I mean. I took a test last night.

\- Oh Lord, he laughed as tears streamed down in cheeks. Anna I’m so sorry for what I put you through.

\- Don’t be silly John, you wouldn’t have known. In fact, I can’t wait to see that cardiologist so that he explains to us what the hell has happened.

About an hour later, the cardiologist did enter John’s room.

\- Hello Mr Bates, Mrs Bates, I’m Dr Rajawat, I’m your cardiologist for the time of your stay with us. How are you feeling this morning Mr Bates?

\- Not so bad, considering what my wife has been telling me happened last night…

\- Yes, you have been very lucky. Thanks to Mrs Bates’s efficient reaction, the no-flow period has been less than one minute, which means you will probably have no permanent damage left. We have performed a coronarography last night, and found no significant stenosis on your coronary arteries. So this is likely not the cause of your cardiac arrest. However, we have found that you probably have Brugada’s syndrom. I gather you two are nurses so I guess you have already heard of that?

\- I have but I can’t say I’m very familiar with it.

\- It is a rather rare condition, likely genetic, in which there is a defect within the heart, that can cause at any time the onset of ventricular arrhythmia, that often lead very quickly to fibrillation, which as you know is an equivalent to cardiac arrest. This is what happened to you last night. Fortunately your wife performed an efficient CPR and the paramedics defibrillator managed to set your heart rhythm right again. But it can happen again. That’s why we now advise strongly for you to be equipped with an implantable defibrillator. We can perform this today if you give us the go-ahead.

Anna and John looked at each other, and John asked:

\- Is there any other treatment available? Like medication perhaps?

\- No, unfortunately no medication is effective on this condition. The defibrillator is the only treatment available.

\- Alright. I guess there is not much choice then, if I want to live to see my kids grow up…

\- I’m afraid so.

\- Well then let’s go for it. I’m wondering doctor, you said this condition was genetic?

\- Yes. Have you any family history of cardiac disease?

\- Well my mother has congestive heart failure, but that has nothing to do with this, has it?

\- No, that’s completely different.

\- But… my father died suddenly when I was a child. I don’t know what happened, but now we are talking about this, I’m wondering.

\- How old was he?

John thought for a moment, and answered:

\- I think he was forty-three.

\- And you are?

\- Forty-six.

\- Yes, well there is probably a link. If you had gone to see a cardiologist sooner, maybe we could have avoided that incident… It would have been wise, seeing both your parents’ history. So, I’m going to organize the procedure. We’ll come to fetch you when everything’s ready.

When the doctor had left John and Anna alone in the room, Anna kept frowning and looking at John with a stern look. He finally noticed it, and asked:

\- What’s wrong sweetie?

\- Why the hell did you never go for a check-up with a cardiologist before?!

She had known about his father’s early death, but they had never discussed the cause of his death. Had she known that both his parents probably had a heart condition, she would have made him see a cardiologist.

\- I don’t know… I guess I never thought about it. Are you mad at me? he asked with a sheepish smile.

\- Of course I’m mad! In fact, I’d give you a smack if I didn’t want to kiss you so much I could burst! I thought you were dead in front of my eyes for God’s sake!

\- I’m so sorry Anna. I promise from now on I will comply to everything they tell me to do. I want to see this little one grow up, he said, putting his hand on Anna’s belly.

She smiled fondly.

\- Alright I just can’t stay mad at you, she said, bending over John to kiss his lips.

At the end of the morning, the nurse came in to take John to the operating room for the procedure. Anna used her time alone to call everyone she had to call and fill them in. She talked to Mrs Hughes, who told her again to take as much time off as needed, as she had hired temporary staff to replace them both. She then called her own mother, Mary and Leslie to keep them informed. There was only Margaret left, but she thought she should not tell her that kind of news over the phone, as she was afraid the old lady wouldn’t cope very well. She wanted to go see her and talk to her face to face. Her residence was not very far from the hospital, so she decided to go while John was still away, so that she’d be back when he returned. As she had expected, Margaret took the news rather harshly. She eventually asked Anna to bring her to the hospital with her so that she could see her son, so they went back together. The procedure went on without complication, and John recovered quickly. He was released from hospital a few days later, and his new outpatient cardiologist gave him permission to go back to work a month later.

* * *

Summer was blooming and the day was already hot when Anna and John woke up on that day. They were supposed to be attending Gwen and Beth’s civil union celebration later in the day, and a dinner party was planned in a restaurant. Anna was stirring and yawning in their bed, when John came in from downstairs, carrying breakfast on a tray.

\- Hey there love! Did you sleep well? he asked with a wide smile.

\- I did. Although these days I feel like I could sleep fourteen hours a day and still want some more sleep.

\- Well, I guess building a little person is quite energy-consuming… he said, putting the tray on her night stand.

He knelt beside Anna, and gently slid her T-shirt up, depositing a light kiss just below her belly button.

\- Am I mistaken or is this little one starting to make its presence known to the outside world? he said, tracing a line on her belly with his finger.

\- Yeah he is! I can’t fit in almost any of my usual clothes anymore. I have to go shopping for pregnancy clothes, she answered with a wide grin.

\- Can you feel it move? he asked curiously.

\- I’ve felt some… sensations, but I’m not really sure about what they are…

\- I know I can’t wait to feel her beneath my hands!

\- Her?

\- Yeah, why not?

\- Would you prefer a girl?

\- In fact, I couldn’t care less, he laughed. As long as you and the baby are healthy I’ll be the happiest man in the world.

\- Don’t say too much, it frightens me. We still got months, she sighed.

\- Nothing will go wrong, he said, squeezing her arm.

\- Bad harvest, bad harvest, she muttered very fast under her breath.

\- What does that mean? he asked with a puzzled look on his face.

\- In the old days, when the crop was good, the farmers used to shout “Bad harvest”, so the Gods wouldn’t grow jealous of their luck and destroy them.

He smiled to her, then inhaled deeply and shouted:

\- BAD HARVEST! That ought to do it.

They both broke into a laughter, and Anna concluded:

\- Let’s hope so.

\- Now you should eat breakfast before it gets cold.

\- Yes love.

And John bent over Anna to give her a loving kiss.


	20. Three Is Family

On December 31st, Anna and John were putting the final touch to their nursery. Anna was re-organizing the drawers of the changing table for the umpteenth time, while John was neatly folding a stack of baby clothes that Mary had lent them. Picking up a newborn-sized pajama, he held it out in front of him, and said in a tone of wonder:

\- Is it really supposed to be that small?

Anna laughed:

\- Yeah, one wonders why I have to get so big in the first place… Anyway, I remember during my training, I spent two months in the pediatric ICU, and I can tell you some are much smaller than that…

John came near her, and wrapped one arm around her shoulders, and placed his other hand on her very expanded belly.

\- Can you believe that in less than two weeks we’ll have a baby? Our very own baby? It seems so surreal to me…

\- Well sometimes I’m looking forward to him getting out, especially when he plays trampoline on my stomach at night…

The baby chose that moment to come kick under John’s hand.

\- Yeah, you know Mummy’s talking about you, little tike! I’m so looking forward to seeing if it’s a boy or a girl!

They had decided to wait for the baby’s birth to discover its gender. John looked up to Anna seriously, and asked her:

\- Are you sure you feel up to attending Gwen and Beth’s party tonight?

\- Why not? The good thing is, if I’m tired it won’t be a long ride home…

\- Alright.

* * *

A few hours later, the party was in full blow in the house across the street. Everyone was there: Mary and Matthew, Thomas and Richard, Sybil and Tom, William, Daisy and a bunch of Beth’s friends. Music was playing rather loud, and people were chatting, drinking and dancing in every corner of the living-room. John was speaking to Thomas and Matthew, but was at the same time keeping an eye on Anna, who was sitting in an armchair, talking to Mary, and seemed to be shifting as if she was somewhat uncomfortable. After a while, he excused himself to his friends, and went to check on her.

\- Anna? You alright?

\- Sure, why? I’m just having a few contractions, like I’ve had every other nights for a while… Nothing to worry about.

\- Alright. You tell me if you want to go home?

\- Yes darling, go have fun!

While John walked back to the two men, Mary said flatly:

\- Men, how do they manage to be so cute and so annoying at the same time? Especially when we’re pregnant…

Anna chuckled:

\- You know, I often think of that scene in “Lady and the tramp”, when the wife sends her husband out in the snow storm to fetch her some strawberries. I’m sure John would do the same if I asked him. He would go across York at two in the morning to bring me back my favorite ice-cream…

Mary laughed out loud:

\- Yeah, that’s because he’s totally smitten with you.

Anna winced suddenly, bringing her hand to the side of her belly. Mary put her hand on Anna’s arms.

\- Are you OK? You sure it’s just the usual contraction? That one seemed quite painful…

\- They do seem a little bit stronger tonight. Maybe I’ll go home and put myself in a hot bath. That’s what my midwife advised to do. Would you help me get up please?

Mary held out her hand to her friend and helped her up.

\- So, enjoy the end of your evening, said Anna to Mary, hugging her.

Then she turned away and scanned the room searching for John. She found him near the buffet as he was refilling his soda drink.

\- Hey John, I think I want to go home. I feel like taking a bath, see if it helps soothe the contractions.

\- Oh, yes, sure, let’s go darling.

He put down his glass and went to fetch their coats while Anna went to say goodbye to Beth and Gwen.

* * *

An hour later, Anna was trying to relax in her hot bath. It had helped ease the pains, but they kept coming at a regular pace. However, her midwife had explained to her that a first labor was usually a very lengthy process, and that she didn’t need to run down to the hospital at the first contraction. She had instructed she took a hot bath, and keep an eye on the watch, and come if the contractions kept coming less than five minutes apart for at least one hour. At that point it was not yet the case.

However, half an hour later, things seemed to speed up a bit. Anna called out for John.

\- Yes sweetheart, what’s going on? he asked, rushing into the bathroom.

\- Would you help me get out of the bath and getting dressed? I think we’ll have to leave soon for the hospital.

\- Oh, Lord. Right.

He put his arms around Anna’s chest and helped her get up, then climb out of the bath. As he was handing her a towel, they both looked down in shock as a small flood trickled down between Anna’s legs.

\- Oh shit, my water just broke. OK I have to get dressed, she said, walking towards the bedroom where her clothes waited. Get the maternity bag into the car while I dress, she ordered John.

\- I’m going.

He left her alone a few minutes to get the bags and the car ready. When he entered their bedroom again, he found Anna kneeling on the floor, her upper body resting on the edge of the bed, her head hidden in her arms. She was moaning in pain. John rushed to her side, and started rubbing her back in circles.

\- The car’s ready sweetie, we can go.

\- I can’t get up John, it’s starting to push… I can’t move…

The end of her sentence was lost into a low groan. John started to panic.

\- Oh my God, but you can’t give birth here… And I can’t carry you down to the car. What am I going to do?!

\- Come on John, put yourself together, are you a nurse or what?! yelled Anna in between two contraction, panting hard.

\- Yeah, an _Army_ nurse! I never delivered any baby! he answered frantically.

\- We have a midwife just across the street you moron, go get her! she snapped.

\- Oh, yeah, right, he said, cursing himself for not having thought about Beth himself. He could have beaten himself for his thickness at that very moment.

\- I’ll be right back love.

And he rushed out the house. He came back a few minutes later with Beth running at his side, carrying her birthing suitcase.

As they entered the house, they heard Anna screaming out from upstairs. They ran up the stairs and came into the bedroom.

\- We’re here sweetheart! he said, rushing to Anna’s side.

Her face was red and sweaty, and her hair was mated on her cheek. He softly put the hair away from her face and whispered:

\- We’re here, everything’s going to be alright.

Anna grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard as the next contraction hit her and she started screaming again.

When the wave had passed, Beth knelt beside her and talked to her softly.

\- Anna, listen to me. I’m going to examine you to see how the baby is going down, alright?

Anna nodded to her. After a quick check, Beth looked up and said:

\- Yep, you’re not going anywhere, that baby is crowning. He’ll be there very soon.

\- Oh shit, breathed John. We had not planned for a home birth.

\- Well, that’s what you’ll soon learn about kids. They don’t stick to the plan, said Beth with a smile.

\- Shouldn't she lie down on the bed? asked John, concerned.

\- Not necessarily. Any position that you’re comfortable with will do Anna. Do you want to move?

\- No, I think I’m fine here, said Anna. Although I wouldn’t say no to something softer to put under my knees, she said, before started to groan again as the next painful wave hit.

\- John, you should get something to protect your floor, and some blanket or cushions for Anna. And warm a towel for the baby.

\- Alright sure, I’ll do that.

A few minutes later, John came back carrying everything Beth had asked for. Between two contractions, they settled Anna more comfortably. Beth examined her again and said:

\- Alright, you’re doing well Anna. Baby’s head is really low now. A few more pushes and I think he’ll be there.

\- Thank God, breathed Anna.

John had sat down next to her again, and rubbed her lower back in between the contractions. He kept whispering in her ear:

\- You’re almost done sweetie. I love you so much, you’re doing great.

Anna grabbed his hand and squeezed even harder as the next wave hit her. John winced in pain and wondered if she could break his hand, but knew better than to complain at that very moment. A primal scream escaped Anna’s lungs as she put all her strength in helping her baby out.

\- Good, good Anna! exclaimed Beth when the wave had passed. He’s almost there. Next push the head will come out.

A sob came out of John’s lips. He couldn’t believe the power he was witnessing on Anna’s features as she brought her child to the world.

\- I love you Anna, I love you so much, he kept repeating.

As Beth had said, the baby’s head appeared after the next push.

\- He’s here, he’s here exclaimed John half-laughing and half-sobbing. But they didn’t have time to wonder, as the next contraction hit almost right away. Beth took John’s hands and brought them down to the baby.

\- Go grab your baby John!

Anna gave one last almighty scream and the baby was out, safe into John’s hands. The baby gave a tiny sound, like quietly saying hello to his parents. Beth handed John the warm towel to wrap the little one into. When it was safely tucked in it, John brought it next to Anna’s face. 

\- You did it love, you did it, our baby’s here!

Tears were running freely on John’s cheeks as he kissed Anna’s head. Anna gave an exhausted laugh, and whispered:

\- Our baby…

Beth said:

\- You might want to sit down now Anna. It should be quiet for a few minutes but then there will be a few more contractions for the placenta.

That was when Anna noticed that her legs were shaking hard. She turned around and sat on the floor, her back against the bed, taking her little bundle close to her heart.

\- Do you want to cut the cord John? asked Beth, handing him a scissor.

\- Oh, yes, sure, he grinned.

Twenty minutes later, when Anna was fully delivered, they helped her climb into the bed where she rested against the pillows, her baby held close against her chest. John sat beside her, his arm around her shoulders. Their eyes kept going from the baby to one another, and they couldn’t stop grinning giddily.

\- So, what’s this little one’s name? asked Beth.

At her question, Anna and John looked at each other and broke into laughter. Anna exclaimed:

\- Oh Lord we haven’t even checked if it’s a boy or a girl!

She unwrapped the towel a bit to look into it. She looked into John’s eyes and murmured:

\- We have a son John.

John brought his hand to his mouth and repeated, with the proudest smile on his face:

\- I am a father, and I have a son…

Beth smiled to both of them. Anna looked up to John and said:

\- So, are we agreed?

John nodded, and stroked the baby’s cheek:

\- Say hello to Joshua Peter Bates.

It had been John’s idea to give Anna’s father’s name to their child as a middle name, and Anna had been very touched that he had offered. She would have thought of giving him John as a middle name, but John had persuaded her that it was important to honor his late grand-father.

At that moment, they heard loud cheering and blasting sounds from a firework outside. Beth looked at her watch and said:

\- Oh, I guess we can say Happy New Year! It’s midnight… Hey, do you mind if I leave you three for a minute, to go say Happy New Year to Gwen and the guests? I’ll be back right away.

\- Sure, go, answered Anna. Thank you so much for helping me tonight.

Beth gave her a warm smile and headed out. When she entered her house across the street, everyone was in the middle of ritual congratulations. The sound of the door closing behind her brought everyone’s eyes on her.

\- Beth! exclaimed Gwen. So?! How’s she doing?

\- They have a little boy!

Cheers erupted through the guests, as Gwen went to kiss her lover.

\- Oh my God she gave birth here in the house?

\- Yep. No time to move. Every one’s fine though. A little Joshua.

Thomas approached her, handing her a glass of champagne. He then held out his glass and yelled:

\- To Joshua!

\- To Joshua! the crowd bellowed back.

In the house across the street, the mood was much quieter. John and Anna were snuggled against each other, watching their sleeping little boy in wonder.

\- Happy New Year love, whispered Anna.

\- Happy New Year my darling, John whispered back, kissing her temple. Happy New Year Joshua. I love you both so much. It is the best New Year’s Eve ever.

He had not known until that very moment that his heart could love so much. It ached almost. He knew right away that he would give anything and everything, to his own life, for the two people he currently held close into his arms.

\- I love you too, answered Anna. Thank you for being by my side through it all. And I don’t just mean tonight.

After a moment’s silence, she added:

\- And I’m sorry for calling you a moron…

They both laughed.

\- You can call me anything when you give me such a beautiful baby.

John reached out for his phone, and launched on the Bluetooth speaker “Three is family” by Dana Dawson. Anna smiled as she listened to the song, repeating:

\- We are a family.

“ _We've been working for the long time  
And now my baby is here  
No more hangin' with the wrong crowd  
'Cause you mean more to me dear  
When I first saw your face  
I knew you would take the clouds away  
And what we've created together is  
The greatest gift in the whole wide world  
One and one is two  
Two is me and you  
Two plus one is three  
Three is family_

_I believe in you  
And your love is true  
Finally complete  
Three is family_

_Our hearts beating all together  
The tears run down my face  
God this moment will last forever  
And everything falls into place  
In this crazy world  
I know there'll be plenty mountains to climb  
But the three of us together will  
Keep me strong for the rest of my life  
One and one is two  
Two is me and you_

_Two plus one is three  
Three is family”_

* * *

_Six years later_

\- Mummy, Daddy, look! I climbed on the big rock! yelled the little boy.

\- Oh wow! But be careful Joshua, you don’t want to fall and break your leg, warned Anna.

She shifted the little girl she was holding on her hip, then put her down, sighing:

\- Now, you’re going down Katie, you’re really too heavy and big for Mummy to carry you.

Anna turned around and smiled to John who was laying out the blanket on the grass, with the “help” of their other daughter Amy.

Her husband had decided on that very day to fulfill his promise from long ago, that they would one day come back to this place near the river, with all their children. Looking back to that time of sadness, she was so grateful of the joy they had been granted since then. Three and a half year after Joshua, Anna had given birth to their twin daughters, Katie Anna and Amy Margaret. Their birth had been quite more complicated than Joshua’s, as they had to be delivered in an emergency C-section four weeks early because Anna was suffering from pre-eclampsia. But in the end both Anna and the babies had recovered quickly. However after that, Anna and John had agreed that they were happy with their family, and that there would be no other baby. After staying home for nine months with the children, Anna had decided to go back to work part-time at Downton, because she missed her job and colleagues, and as much as she loved her children, she didn’t feel like she could be a full stay-at-home mum. So Joshua had started pre-school, and the twins were being looked after at Downton’s daycare center.

-Mum! yelled Joshua, tearing her out of her reverie. Help me, I wanna jump down the rock!

She went to her boy and held her hands out to him. He grabbed them and jumped into her arms. She held him close for a second, breathing in his hair and smiling. She felt complete.


	21. Epilogue

_ Thirty-five years later _

The tiny hospital room was crammed with people. Anna and John’s three adult children were there with their respective spouses and the seven grandchildren that they had been blessed with. Anna was silently sitting in the armchair, lovingly watching as her family was gathered around John’s hospital bed. At eighty-eight years old, he was white-haired, thinner than he used to be, but his mind was still sound. Unfortunately he had inherited his mother’s heart condition, and although the progress in modern medicine had let him leave this long life, the disease had been taking him over in the last few months. Anna had seen him growing more and more tired, frail, and out-of-breath.

As John was lying in this hospital bed with an oxygen mask on his face, five-years-old Elisa was sat on the edge of the bed, holding a drawing in her hand, and happily explaining to her Grandpa what she had drawn for him. The walls of the room were already filled with other drawings by all his grand-children. John smiled to the little girl, raised his hand to grab the drawing, and whispered in an exhausted voice:

\- It’s an awesome picture Elisa, thank you so much.

Elisa’s mother bent over the little girl and said softly:

\- Now darling, we will let Grandpa rest OK?

The little girl gave her grandfather a tight hug and said in his ear:

\- Goodbye Grandpa, I love you!

\- I love you too, very much, bug, answered John, stroking her blond curls.

And the child let herself slide to the ground and followed her mother.

The doctors had been honest and the whole family knew that those were John’s last moments with them. Anna had been at his side day and night, and the children and grandchildren were in and out of the room everyday. Some friends were still visiting too. They were still close to Mary, Gwen and Thomas, who had come by a few times since he was in the hospital.

One by one, each of his children and grandchildren came close to John and kissed him goodbye. When they had all left the room, and Anna was left alone with him, she came to sit on the edge of the bed, and took his hands in both of hers. She could see how hard he struggled to breathe, and how strength seemed to leave him bit by bit. Fighting to contain her tears, she whispered:

\- John, darling. I know you’re holding on for me. I know you don’t want to leave me alone. But I’ll be alright. I won’t be alone. I have this wonderful family that you gave me. It’s alright if you have to go. I understand that you are exhausted. I love you. You can rest.

John smiled weakly and used the last of his strength to bring his hand to Anna’s cheek. Taking his breath every few words, he said:

\- I can’t have you in perpetual mourning. Promise me… to make friends… have fun… live life.

As a stray tear ran down her cheek, Anna smiled back and nodded:

\- I’ll try. I promise.

\- I love you Anna. So… very much, he said as his hand fell back on the bed and he closed his eyes.

\- I love you too John. For ever.

She slowly got up from the bed, and brought the armchair next to it. She sat in the armchair, took John’s hand into hers and laid her head on the edge of the bed next to her hand. She softly kissed his knuckles and whispered:

\- Rest, my love.

She closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, she saw that he was gone. She stayed with him for a long time, stroking his hand and letting her tears flow freely, before she wiped her cheeks and got up to call the nurse.

“ _I hold it true, whate’er befall_

_I feel it, when I sorrow most_

‘ _Tis better to have loved and lost_

_Than never to have loved at all.”_

Alfred Lord Tennyson (In Memoriam:27)

**THE END **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read this fic. It was the first time I wrote a story that long (and I had no idea when I started that it would end up that long!)
> 
> Anyway I enjoyed it very much and I'm a little sad to have to leave them now... (But I already have another story in mind so...)  
> Please let me know of you've enjoyed it! 
> 
> Music credits in order of appearance:
> 
> Bruno Mars - Count on me
> 
> Mariah Carey - Hero
> 
> Bill Withers - Ain't no sunshine
> 
> Mika - Happy ending
> 
> Bruno Mars - Talking to the moon
> 
> Tracy Chapman - The promise
> 
> Muse - Unintended
> 
> Coldplay - Fix you
> 
> Elton John - Your song
> 
> Ben E. King - Stand by me
> 
> The Pretenders - I'll stand by you
> 
> Gloria Gaynor - Can't take my eyes off of you
> 
> Dido - Thank you
> 
> Carmen Twillie - Circle of life
> 
> Elton John - I'm still standing
> 
> Bruno Mars - Locked out of heaven
> 
> Boyz II Men - I'll make love to you
> 
> Ed Sheeran - Perfect
> 
> Shania Twain - You've got a way
> 
> John Legend - All of me
> 
> Lady Gaga - Is that alright
> 
> Bruno Mars - Just the way you are
> 
> Shania Twain - From this moment
> 
> Coldplay - Hymn for the weekend
> 
> Coldplay and the Chainsmokers - Something just like this
> 
> Coldplay - Everglow
> 
> Lily Allen - Somewhere only we know
> 
> Dana Dawson - Three is family
> 
> And as an ending music, of course:
> 
> The Chamber Orchestra of London - Damaged
> 
> (Anna and Bates's theme from the Downton Abbey soundtrack)


End file.
